A Thousand Words...

Scratching One Off the Bucket List

2012-01-07T12:19:00.004-06:00

6 years ago I met someone who taught me to not be afraid of everything - and if I am truly afraid, to fight against it and do what scares me. Out of that I made a goal for myself - ride in a helicopter. I am terrified of heights, scared of being in the air. I always imagined that if I got in an airplane that I'd have to be sedated or climb the walls. I've dreamt about it all, soaring above it all and then other dreams where things are crashing down. Flying was a deep fear - and the idea of a helicopter was the worst fear.
Then someone was talking to me and said, "If you can ride in a helicopter, a plane will be no issue for you." So I decided right then that before I ever boarded my first plane to anywhere, I'd ride in a helicopter. For one, its a shorter flight and can be put down directly if I start losing my mind...and 2 - you see everything. There are no other people to block you from the windows...its just you and the world...or so I imagined.

I was right :)

(Had to add the pic of my amazing man - the one who, 6 years ago, inspired me to conquer my fear. How perfect it was to have him next to me for my first, but not last, heli ride.)

A little before Christmas, my best friend (hope she doesn't mind me calling her that, lol) asked me if I wanted something that her husband won at a work party. It was a helicopter ride for two - and I nearly died right there. Absolute perfect Christmas present. Not only for me, but for Lars also. He has always wanted to ride in one as well - a first for us both :).
I was terrified, of course. Smoked a cig right before the flight - the pilot came to the door at that moment to unlock it for us, and laughed out loud. I must have had THAT look on my face. By the way, she made the experience so much better than I could have imagined. Super friendly, but definitely knew her heli, explained things to me and stayed calm. She was brilliant. (Chopper Charter in Branson, MO - ask for Joanne Boyer).
So the first part of the flight I was nervous. Takeoff was beautiful - actually going towards water turned my legs to jelly and I was afraid to let go of the bar in front of me. A few times we dipped and my stomach flipped...but by the end of the flight I had this huge grin on my face and I felt so relaxed. Something I never imagined, I can tell you.
I conquered my fear...there is nothing greater than that.

Winds of Change

2011-09-29T00:14:00.002-05:00

Well now..what a change I've been through recently. Thought I'd update some.

I have found a new home. (Yay!!) Its a cute little 2 bedroom apartment near the kids. It has a real kitchen with a real stove and I made biscuits. I MADE BISCUITS!! Ok...so the idea of making biscuits isn't the most exciting thing, hardly worth the use of all-caps....BUT IT SO IS! I had only a 2 burner cook-top thing. One of those little portable stoves you'd use if your own real stove suddenly quit working. I feel like a big girl being able to really cook now. I was grocery shopping, now that I have a fridge larger than a very small child, and came across those huge biscuits in a can. The ones that pop when you peel the paper off :)....which actually frightens me, every. Fricking. Time.

Anyway...

So, to honor my new apartment I did something completely unhealthy. I treated myself to large buttery biscuits for the first time in over a year. And they were good. And I enjoyed them as I sat on my loveseat and watched Castle on Hulu.

I am a bad girl.

Whatever...don't judge me :).

I also read 2 entire books since I've been here. The first one I read in a day and was so happy to have been able to do it, I nearly cried.

The second, and most recent, took me longer than a day...as it was 1149 pages. However, its been 2 weeks in my new place and it was not so amazingly awesome. The book was. The being able to do it in complete silence....not so much.

The place I've moved to is out in the middle of nowhere, Missouri. I saw 6 deer on my road the first day I moved here...and its a 2 mile road. I love that its quiet here. I love that its safe and, thus-far, bug free. BUT...its too quiet sometimes. At night when I am laying down...there is no breathing (or snoring) beside me. No one to cuddle when I have a (frequent) bad dream. During the day there is no arguing in the other room about someone not going through the Stargate when they were supposed to. Instead there is a silence. A silence so deep that even the birds are quiet for me. I look out my window and not even the wind through the leaves on the trees will make them talk to me. It is beautiful...and it is quiet.

Quiet is good, but when it makes you face the loneliness...it can be heartbreaking.

I struggle every day with what my life has become. Although, who I've become allows me to appreciate where I used to be....and has helped me find the error in who I was. I have learned to grow...though I know I'm not to my full height yet (I think I lost the metaphor somewhere...)

Some days, I feel like an appreciative caged animal. Other days, I feel the peace of moving forward and hope...which I've needed.

I long for the coming days when the voices I hear are not just memories in my mind....and for the day when I can finally take the plastic off my mattress again and realize I don't have to be afraid anymore.

Oh What a Life

2011-08-19T23:19:00.004-05:00

Since the last time I've visited my little web home-away-from-home, things have changed in multiple ways.

My new apartment, a place I was just starting to like, showed itself to be unfriendly in a nasty way. I started getting these red bites all over my skin...mainly the part that was pushed into the bed while I slept. They itched...a burning itch that only got worse when you tried to ignore it. I'd scratch and the itch was even worse, something that before the scratch I would not have thought possible. My arms, chin....COVERED in these awful bites. 3 weeks I just dealt with it. I hoped it was a rash, an allergic reaction..anything other than what I KNEW it to be.

Bedbugs.

Yup. And the worst part? The bed was MINE...my brand new king size bed that Lars and I bought. I've had it since December of last year and Never a problem...

So, I moved out and back into my second momma's house for a couple weeks. At which time the guy that owns the motel/apartment I own said that he'd completely remodeled and I should move back it. Let me tell you...it really looks good. Faux hardwood floor, baseboards, new paint, the tacky motel art is gone...

You polish shit, its still shit.

The bed AND couch he put in here had those dang bugs too. I asked him to remove them and he did...and bought me a futon. A CHEAP futon...with thin metal bars. Its like sleeping on The Rack. I imagine...but....no more bugs. Granted, I have it in the middle of the floor and never let my bedding touch the floor. Just in case.

On the plus side of all this, as all good stories should have a plus side, I'm becoming one with my inner Voice. Well..wait..that kinda sounded like it made more sense in my head. What I mean is that I'm learning to listen to me and what I need and standing up for myself. I'm saying things to people that I wouldn't have before. I don't let people get under my skin quite the same way and I'm learning to confront when it matters. Not that I always do, mind you...or that I still don't want to punch certain people in the face when I hear their voice....but I'm getting better.

I've also spent my Monday and Tuesdays with the kids this summer. Swimming and going to shows and hanging out. Its been great to be with them. Right now I have to live with the little time I have with them...even though it kills me that we aren't together all the time. I got to watch Ike face his fear of the 8ft and jump in. I watched Lylli go from hugging the ladder to using the pool noodles to float and swim all around the 4ft side of the pool. Isaac got his first pair of drumsticks, signed by the coolest group in Branson (Jeerk). Lylli got licked by a giraffe. I fell on my butt at the waterpark. They got to watch their mother finally take her own medicine...I always tell them to be brave, and I finally showed them as well by moving out of the comfort zone in the pool. Ike said he was proud of me.

We were just busy all summer being happy in an imperfect situation.

This post was just a mashup of things...but now you know :)

New Home

2011-05-30T20:19:00.000-05:00

I wasn’t delusional. I knew that moving into my own space would not be a fantasy come true. I did not know I would get so excited to see how cheap Ramen noodles still are…I nearly wept in the aisle…nor could I have forseen how disappointed I’d be when I realized I couldn’t microwafe the Styrofoam container. That was when I realized I had nothing to boil water in…and then came the realization that I didn’t even have a pot to piss in, if I so chose.

What I’m trying to say is that I have, at 30 years old, moved into a place that is mine. Yes, it’s an old hotel room that the owners were kind enough to let me move my stuff into….no it doesn’t have a kitchen. Its like living in a dorm room…only less fun because there aren’t any wild parties to go to down the hall, no crazy frat boy streakers….
I have a neighbor that mumbles about a sick cat all day and walks around in her pj’s, and a guy that keeps a cone in front of his apartment so no one takes his wife’s parking space. I know…you are all jealous.

Being on my own is strange though. I had it pointed out to me that I can watch tv whenever I want….yeah, that isn’t all its cracked up to be. I’m almost to the point that I WANT to talk about the lost, sick cat with the neighbor.

Like I said, its an old hotel, in the heart of Branson, right off Hwy 76, or ‘the strip’ as us locals call it. I can see a giant swing from the front of the place, I get to hear Titanic’s horn at noon every day, see shadows of helicopters on the trees. From the end of my building, and just over the tree tops, I can see a giant chicken wearing a vest. It’s a restaurant…I didn’t put it there…don’t judge me.

Yes I have to drive behind crazy people from flat places like Nebraska, or slow drivers from Texas…but when I leave I see the smiling faces of people enjoying my city. Yes, its my city. It always has been. I was born here, after all.

When I was a kid, I had a normal house, like everyone else. But my home was an old homestead on top of the ‘mountain’. My dad was there in the fall, making pork rinds…my grandmother and sister worked in the ice cream shop, my brother worked in the restaurant. My mom worked her own food stands and by the time I was 8 she had her own little place there, with a kitchen and tables where people could eat and listen to music. The music came from a man’s guitar, a man that was like family in his own way, a man that would take short breaks during the day and I would stand on his little stage and sing for the people that had NOT come from all over to see me. Down the hill, my other sister was an actress in a show for the people who rode in trams. When I wasn’t singing? I was riding those trams, over and over again, joining in for every group photo, listening to them chatter on and laugh at my sister’s crazy antics. That place is called Shepherd of the Hills. Its changed a lot since then, but every time I pass it, I smile and remember my first home.
My first job was at a theme park, called Silver Dollar City. I made jewelry. I hugged the sister of a boy I was in love with over the counter there. I dove under the counter when I thought I had seen someone I’d rather not have seen.
The place I found my first job after my world crashed down a year ago, was in Branson at a theatre where a woman took a chance on me. What she didn’t realize, and perhaps still doesn’t, is that working for her changed my life. It made me believe in myself again and realize that I could be the person that I wanted to be. She trusted me and made me laugh when I needed it most. The people I met there…they all changed me…including a few tourists. They told me stories, they stuck around after the show so I could see them in their traditional Scottish dress, they hugged me and made me laugh. They ALL made my life a little more bearable.
When the time came to find a new job this spring, I knew that the only place I wanted to be was back here, in Branson…where I found another woman to take a chance on me. I’m LOVING my new job. No, it isn’t perfect in every way…but its something I love doing, in a place I love, for a cause I love.

The place is small…the place is lonely…but its my place. Its home to me now…whatever that even means anymore. But I’m finding out. I’m going to find my way….and I’m going to do it in Branson.

Rainy Ponderings

2011-04-25T20:06:00.005-05:00

Irish flags weighted down by the rain, ducks taking advantage of the river in the parking lot, waddling together and swimming, silent train, with its single headlight shining in the gloom, waiting for its next goup of passengers ready to drip the days downpour all over its carpets and seats, tiny beads of rain on the cafe windows and gentle laughter somewhere over my shoulder. Ipads and computer screens throwing soft light on nearby faces. Me, sitting in the corner, pin in hand, trying vehemently to appear busy and not lonely, on this rainy Monday.
Looking around I can see in my mind, how much this downtown has changed. Parks and ballfields replaced with retail stores. Smokey diners replaced by Starbucks. Dingy motels with kitchenettes replaced by the Hilton with its balconies and 10 pillows on each bed, full of feathers. A place that tourists were rarely told about, a place where locals could still feel at home in a flood of strangers -- now hawked in shiny brochures at every gas station and mall -- the new pride of Branson.
The rain pours and still they flock to the doors of every shop, umbrellas dripping on their designer cowboy boots.
They know nothing of the shopgirls, the dancers, and the waitress' who go home at night, bound by the aching feet and the chore of turning off the smile that has taken over the facial muscles and has become painful. They undergo the ritual of straightening tight muscles -- and they will get up in the morning and do it all over again -- for those that come to our city to be entertained everywhere they go.

Back to Basics

2011-01-27T23:29:00.003-06:00

I promise I have started the post about Lars' time here. I guess its just all so personal still that I'm having a hard time finishing it. Maybe talking about our day-to-day lives will be easier once he's here....but, in a way, I kinda hope it isn't. I hope that once he's here to stay the moments are still as personal and precious as they are now.

As for today...I have been feeling really down lately. I'm looking for a new job and I'm not finding anything. Its difficult to deal with and having just run out of money completely, its all I can think about. I haven't seen my kids in a while now and I don't even have the money to renew my phone card. I've hit a brick wall and I am feeling lost.

So...I took a bleak, but mildly warm, day and tried to make it a little better. I took myself a couple miles out of town and took some photos of some things I've seen on my backroad adventures with Marti. Here are the pics:

Just outside of town there is a wooden railway bridge. I remember driving under it once or twice when I went to high school here. It has a certain charm to it.

Then, further down the road, in the town where I live, there are some old farm buildings and railroad tracks...

and finally, in the park that hosts our annual Broiler Festival and where Lars proposed, there is a red caboose that has been there as long as I can remember.

(need I say it? All photos are not to be used by anyone but me, Kendra. Leave them alone...walk away :) )

Where Have I Been?

2011-01-14T23:42:00.003-06:00

That's a good question, honestly. Despite my 'no emotion' diet I have been on quite the emotional roller coaster lately. I've come to the realization that I miss my online personality. I miss connecting with people and occasionally writing something that might mean something to someone other than me. Its been forever since I've had a connection like that.

My job ended at the theatre in Branson. I loved it and I loved the people that I got to work with...well, most of them. After the last show there was a huge party and I have never partied like that in my life - like a rockstar. It took me a few days to get over it and the mere mention of the word 'party' gives me a wobbly feeling. I was a bit sad because all the cool people I worked with weren't there...but I had a lot of fun talking to people that I hadn't yet been brave enough to...like some members of the music group.

Lars was here for Christmas and we celebrated the New Year together with the kids. I could spend an entire post on his visit and I think I'll do that tomorrow...something to inspire me to sit down and write for 2 days in a row. There was a lot less drama surrounding us this time and we got a chance to just BE together...to be us...and it was nice. I have some cute videos and pics but I have to get permission to post a couple of them...and I might have to promise my soul in order to get that permission :).

The job search is on again. I've had 2 interviews this time and I feel really good about the second one. I miss working. I miss having money to spend and save, I miss being able to see my kids and do things with them, I miss looking forward to finally getting my own place and being a true adult...although the things I have learned in the last 6 months have, I hope and believe, changed me for the better.

Being in a new relationship is...strange sometimes. I have yet to meet his family, though I have had a brief video introduction with his parents, via Skype. I don't yet speak enough Dutch to be able to have a conversation...thankfully he doesn't mind interpreting for me right now. I'm still extremely nervous about meeting everyone in person though. However, meeting the family is just a small part of the strangeness.
Being married for 11 years, you just get to a point where you know what to expect from your partner. You know them, their family, what makes them tick....
Now I'm nearly 30 and I'm having to do it all over again. Its just a strange thing. You think you know someone and then something like the fact that they've never had Jello just kinda knocks you upside the head. Things that you just never think to ask because you take it for granted. Seriously, when was the last time that you had to learn something as simple as that about someone else? Or meet the family for the first time? Or what size shoe they wear?

Its officially after midnight here in Missouri and I must say goodnight. See you again in 8 hours :)

Mi Vida Loca

2010-12-02T16:55:00.002-06:00

I am at work...on my day off...hanging out. I'm answering random phone calls just to have something to do. I was here to help...and I could have gone home a couple hours ago. However, when all your local friends are at work, its really the only only logical, fun place to be. I'm here for a reason..I have one more gift to give to a coworker/friend, and then I can go home. So far my gifts have been well received and I'm very happy about that.

I've been working a lot and hanging out with my kiddos on the weekends when I can. Unfortunately, work will be ending on the 4th of December...until around April next year. Unless my amazing boss finds work elsewhere and takes me with her....as she has promised.

After working for a few months now, I've realized how much I need and miss it. I'm such a happier, more peaceful person....and having money has and extra health bonus attached.

Lars will be back in just 15 days and will spend Christmas and New Years' with us. I'm so excited for him to be coming home for a little while...I just wish he was coming home to stay. Saying goodbye is the hardest part and I try not to think constantly about how it felt last time.

I know my posts are full of random drivel now. I'm sorry. I just don't seem to have the time to be poignant and honestly, I'm in on a 'no emotion' diet right now. No emotion makes it impossible to be creative as well....

Another Pathetic Attempt (and more from my life)

2010-09-28T23:04:00.003-05:00

Yes, I failed again. Work has been kicking my butt lately - not that I mind in the least - but it leaves little time for anything else. On my days off, with a little money in my pocket for the first time in 4 years, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of the computer. I'm going to do my best to change that, to be here more often - you'll understand if I don't make any promises, though...right?

I am still loving my job - it seems a perfect fit for me...though I have realized in the last few days that I MUCH prefer it to be flat-out, crazy ass busy than to be the slow times in between. I would rather leave work feeling like I need a few rounds of alcohol than this zoned out mess that the boredom has created lately. I need overwhelming insanity to truly thrive, apparently.

Not only do I love the job, I seem to be doing well. It helps that I have an amazing boss - a rare thing in this world.

One of my coworkers lost 2 of her friends today to the careless actions of the driver of the vehicle they were in last night...she is only 19, so I have to assume that her friends were close to the same age. If you are the kind, please pray for her and the families of the two girls who lost their lives way too young. My boss' son witnessed the accident as it happened and tried to help the girls who were in the car....it was on fire and he says he can still hear their screams...I'm not sure he has slept since it happened. Please, pray for him as well.

Another coworker called in today as her soon-to-be father-in-law had a heart attack and she needed to be with her family. I haven't heard how he is doing, but please keep them in your prayers.

It was a strange day to be at work today, as you can see.

On a personal level, I went shoe shopping the other day. Such a strange experience to not only have my own money to shop with, but to also be able to enjoy it without someone questioning why i need shoes when I already have some or making me feel like shite because I'm spending any money at all on myself. I actually can kinda understand why some people enjoy shopping.

I realize that I'm much more crazed about how I spend my money when I'm the only one bringing it in...when I can only rely on me. I'm going crazy forcing myself to not let me run out before the next paycheck comes in - its a personal level of growth. To not be scraping the last bit of change just to have fuel in the car for the morning drive to work on payday. I actually had money left over this last friday from the payday before....Astonishing!

I'm allowing myself to be proud of me. Its not easy to do when so much of my life is screwed up - but its a screwed up that now has a happy possible outcome. Working towards saving money for my own place, paying off the king size bed I have on layaway....its giving hope for a bright future.

I've had to look at myself from strange angles over the last few months...since April my life has changed in drastic, scary and beautiful ways. I'm nearly 30 and I'm finally growing up...seeing my faults and instead of letting them depress me, I'm using them to change and get better. I like who I see in the mirror now. Not because of my size, or the sheen of my hair....nothing superficial like that....just because I am seeing me in my eyes again. I'm seeing the person I lost...and not only am I getting her back, but she is becoming better than ever!

The kids are doing great in school...Ike has had no issues with his teacher, which makes me insanely proud. I got video of Lylli actually reading some of a book and I wanted to cry, for many reasons really, but I'm insanely proud of her too. I have amazing children.
Last Saturday I took them to the Titanic museum in Branson. They each got a listening device and had fun punching in the numbers and being in charge of their own tour. They loved it and they keep asking me where we are going next weekend. Being able to get in free in Branson attractions is definitely a perk to this job...as if it needed any more :). Its also giving me the opportunity to be with my kids and just enjoy the day...I'm getting the chance to introduce them to new things.
I must find a silver lining in all of this if I am to survive it. I'm not blind to the imperfection of my situation, but if I can make wine out of lemons then I will, or die trying.

Art Post 1: Photography

2010-09-05T17:31:00.005-05:00

I spend a good deal of my time on flickr - whether its looking through my contact's work or though the Explore page. I've found so many amazing artists on there that show a passion for their work...some amateur, some professional, and some just sharing their creativity.

Like this woman:

This photo, and the following one, were done by BrookeShaden ...her work inspires me. This second one is part of her Re-Imaging of Ophelia series...and yes, folks...it is a photograph.

Next up is Alexa Sinclair, who is really photographer and digital artist all-in-one. Her work is incredible. This photo is from her Regal Twelve series...see it HERE on her blog. If you go through the photos, you will see my favorite....if you know me at all you will be able to recognize it by the lady's attire :D. I didn't post it here because it's obviously NSFW. This one is also a favorite.....Archer!! lol

Then we have Anna Gay (I swear, there are some guy photogs that I like, lol). I can't share her photos here, and I will not save to my computer...so you will have to trust me and go check out her flickr page :).

Next up: Mr. Flibble . He cracks me up.

A Daddy-Photog: JWLPhotography. He creates incredible portraits of his daughters.

I'll show some more tomorrow. Once I started with this post I realize how many I want to share and I guess its good I have a month to fill, lol.

Delay

2010-09-04T21:45:00.002-05:00

I apologize for the delay...I will post tomorrow about art, I promise....but right now I'm going to hijack my own blog for a post.

My life has drastically improved...I got a JOB!!! I had an interview yesterday and didn't even make it all the way home before the woman called and offered me a job...and then I turned around and went back to start my first day. I'm thrilled that I am finally moving forward in life, as opposed to sitting still.

I worked 10 hours yesterday and 9 today so I'm absolutely exhausted, lol (but in a great way)...so please forgive me for not giving you a true post today. I will post tomorrow with some of my favorite art :D.

Art is Intense

2010-09-02T12:31:00.002-05:00

I saw that NaBloPoMo's theme for this month was Art and I made a decision to join...I was excited about it. But what did I do? I forgot to post anything yesterday. Ugh. So I'm starting today and I will give my most valiant effort to post every day about art for the rest of this month.

First things - I consider myself an artist. I am a photographer, or at least I like to call myself one. I'm a writer, I love to sing, I even love to paint...but, since I can't draw, its usually just crazy painted lines on a canvas or piece of paper. I love to design houses...yes, I consider architecture art.

Seeing the things that others have created with an image in their minds always amazes me. Whether its lines of poetry or lines of a cathedral, it first came from a thought and these amazing people turned it into a reality. Their reality then makes us cry, gasp, stare in wonder, laugh...intense emotions sometimes, that stay with us long after the creation is gone from our vision.

Every day, I intend to showcase an artist from a different medium...someone that has spoken to me on some level. I hope you enjoy and I hope that my favorites can inspire you, as they have inspired me.

Epiphany

2010-07-29T00:09:00.003-05:00

A wise woman and I were talking tonight. She told me that there are people who get out of turmoil and turn around and go right back into it, because that is what they know. That is where they feel comfortable. She's right. We all know those people, the ones that drama seems to follow around like a chaotic doppleganger.

I realized something about me in that instant. I've always been proud not to be one of those people, felt sorry for them even - but they and I have more in common than I had ever realized. Depression is my crutch. I go back into it because its easy. Its so much easier to put a blanket over your head and hide than it is to get up and face the day. Depression is something I know, and while I wouldn't go so far as to say that it's where I feel comfortable...it is my doppleganger.

Then I realized something else. For years I have been begging God to release me from my depression so I can be a better mom/wife/friend/sister/daughter. I've been praying for a miracle and comfort for a weary mind and heart. I've been praying that I could just wake up and be the person that I wanted to be.
With every depressing day that went by, the highs and lows, I got discouraged...afraid that he wasn't listening to me anymore and that I had just finally gone too far from him to even see me anymore.

My life now? I no longer live with my brother and his family - people have things they need to learn in life and I have learned much more about myself, and how I interact with others, over the last few weeks. Now I live with a family friend, a woman that has always been like a second mother to me. I have no job...still. My van isn't doing the greatest...but I thank God that the transmission is holding out. Worst yet, my kids are not with me. They are living with their dad...
In other words, most things are pretty crappy. Last night, I had a rough time of crying into my pillow and praying. I prayed for encouragement and I asked God to at least hear my prayers for my family, even if I had lost his favor for my life.

Tonight I realized, yes, my life is an absolute mess. But, when I stood back and looked for a positive...something to hold onto...a silver lining to the mess - I see that this is exactly the answer to the prayer I've been praying for so long. I am being forced to deal with me...to work on me. I'm at a place of decision and I know I didn't do the best I could to take care of the things God gave me. I've lost so much in my life....and I checked out of life so long ago. I was depressed when dad died...but there has to be a point where I pick myself back up and live the life he would have wanted me to live. Yet, I kept going back to depression because it was easier than living without him.

I must take baby steps. I must ease myself back into the world of the living and instead of looking at all this and feeling sorry for myself, or licking the wounds of my injured pride, I am the only one who can pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other. I scaled a great mountain in my life...more like rode a helicopter to the top, it was so easy...but I hit some loose gravel and fell back down the other side very hard. I'm a little broken and a little bruised...but wounds heal over time and I have to press on. I might still carry some scars, but they make me who I am...they give me character. I have to stop saying 'woe is me' and start saying 'I'm ready, bring it on'. I will get the job, I will get the place to live, I will spend time with my children....I will live my life as I've never lived it before.
I might have forgotten how to walk and talk...but I will learn it all again. It won't be easy. I will have to work hard...but at least I know now that my prayers have been heard and it may not have been answered the way I wanted, it has been answered. Some people are harder to get through to than others...I've always been told I'm bull-headed and stubborn...God knows what he's doing and I will trust in him.

Pray for me :)

My Apologies

2010-07-05T14:32:00.003-05:00

Its been a long time since I've made a visit to my little corner of the the blog world. My life is so completely backwards right now and not having an internet connection at the house where I reside....well, it sucks. As it is at this moment, I'm sitting in a little town at the Subway there...mooching off their internet because I bought a sandwich I couldn't really afford.

I've found myself in a place where I can't talk about my life and its the one time that I've ever had so much blog fodder at one time that I can't even stand it. Oh, how you would all laugh and cry with me....but I'm so terrified of sharing.

Yes, I am still going through a divorce. My (soon to be) ex-husband and I both have new people in our lives so it feels like the tension and anger has subsided from his side a little...we are actually able to joke with each other every now and then when he picks up the kids. We are planning to have a joint birthday party for Lylli in August. It will be hard because the new man in my life will not be able to be there...he lives in Holland...so...yeah.

He was here for 2 weeks in June and, let me tell you...those were some amazing days. I've mentioned him here before, but it was in an "I miss this person I used to know" kind of way. He is such an amazing man and yes, I love him more than I ever thought was possible and even better...he loves me in such a way that I can feel it...I can see it when he looks at me...its an incredible kind of love :).

I'm desperately trying to find a job so I can find a place of my own, where the kids and I can relax and just be a family. I currently feel like there is a rubber band inside me that is stretched to its stretchiest point and is starting to chip and fray and I'm constantly in fear that it will snap. Whoa...wait....not like crazy-lady-injure-people snap....just about my depression...I'm really fighting it hard. I'm so stressed out and that point of wanting to curl up in the fetal position is close at hand...I can feel it.

But...I will survive...I am loved.

World....meet my Love....Lars:

Sins of the Past

2010-05-21T22:19:00.003-05:00

It's funny, life.

Its so easy to change ourselves when it comes to a relationship...so easy that we often don't see it. So why is it so hard to change ourselves back to people that we recognize and/or like? Or why is it so hard to change when its what we need to do?

For the last 6 years I have struggled with depression. I've become a person I don't recognize in many ways and made a lot of mistakes. I've come to realize that the more people that know about your mistakes, the harder it is to move past them.

Now I'm at a point in my life where I'm being forced to really look at myself. Being on my own with the kids is unfamiliar territory. I do have the support of those that love me and want me to succeed, and I am exceedingly grateful for them.
I am seeing that even though my life before wasn't perfect, I think I had a bit of a cushion from how people saw me..or that I afforded myself a chance to ignore it. I knew that who I had become was not who I wanted to be, but I allowed it to continue. I let myself get lazy with my personality...with my daily actions. I became lethargic.

I now live in a world where the focus is on me. Eyes are on how I raise my children and how I behave and I have no one else to put the focus on. I have to be responsible for my actions and be the person that I knew in my heart I wanted to be. The person I know I am.

I am reminded every day of the mistakes I've made. It is hard for people to see me as I want to be now...and I have no one to blame but myself and instead of being sorry for myself, I have to stand and be strong and say "I'll just show you".

The hard part? Showing takes time. I have to earn their understanding and appreciation...and their respect. I can not expect to change overnight...and it is not fair for them to expect it of me either...but the truly hard part for me is that it is hard to accept that I can't just wake up and be New and Perfect, lol.

If there are people in your life who are struggling...do me a favor. If you see changes in them, for the better...no matter how small...tell them that you notice. Let them know that you can see the good they are doing...it will encourage them and for a moment they will feel new and perfect and be inspired and eager to hear the next bit of praise.

Wow

2010-04-26T10:27:00.002-05:00

I've made the move to my brother's house with the kids...and wow, this is an interesting time in my life. Being broke is the hardest part...but I know that we will survive it. It can only get better from here...I have to believe that.

I won't be online much right now. We don't yet have internet at my brother's house and yes, it is driving me crazy :).

I do know one thing, I would not be able to survive this without the support of my family and small handful of online friends. They also give me hope for my future and I'm constantly flip-flopping between sheer excitement and fear. Its going to be a long road...but I am so very grateful with my support.

The Husband is angry...and I understand that...though I'm not entirely sure he is angry at the right person. I know I have fault in the failure of our marraige, I don't deny that...but I am able to look at myself in a situation, as well as others.

Please keep me and my loved ones in your thoughts and prayers.

New Life Coming

2010-04-14T20:52:00.002-05:00

Wow....my world has been rocked and turned upside down since my last post. I quit smoking and drinking soda, which lost me 20 pounds. I was starting to exercise and feeling awesome health-wise. Until last wednesday when I was leaving the house I had just exercised in and stepped of the porch wrong onto uneven ground. I sprained my ankle...and this was no simple sprain. The doctor was surprised my ankle was not broken...she called it an Inversion sprain. I tried to put my foot down 3 times to catch my balance...by the 3rd time it hit me that I was literally putting all my weight on the outside of my foot, which was completely parallel to the ground. When I realized what was happening I just let myself fall and hoped for the best.

I laid there and yelled "OMG, I think I broke it, OMG..." over and over again....it was not my proudest moment. After about 30 seconds of yelling I realized what a lunatic I was being and twisted myself around to sit up....I could not move my foot at all...only my leg.
When I got to the hospital this is what it looked like:

A couple days, and a generous dose of vinegar applied to take down swelling and bring out the bruise, it looked like this:

Please ignore the dry skin, lol. It really wasn't my priority, lol.

I'm only just now starting to get some mobility back...and I found out that crutches are the bane of my existence.

This injury could not have come at a worse time.....I was exercising, eating better, losing weight, feeling generally awesome........and getting ready to leave my husband.

Next Monday or Tuesday I will be leaving this house, with my babies, and going to live with my brother and his family for a little while until I can get a place of my own. 5 years ago this nearly happened...but for all the wrong reasons.....now, 5 years later, I have had enough of the little things that aren't right...I'm tired of broken promises.....I'm standing up and saying "Enough".
This is hard...and I'm not telling anyone because I want pity...I don't. I don't want to be talked out of it....I just want to document my life and THIS is my life.

Thank you for listening and I'll be around again soon to tell you how things are going.

Happy F'in Spring

2010-03-21T16:21:00.002-05:00

I need to rant.....

Today is Sunday....Chad and Sean are off today so normally we'd have a house full of 9 people. The men would be in the garage tearing something apart of putting it back together. Kids would be on the trampoline, riding bikes or chasing each other with nerf guns. Jenn would be cleaning (probably...) and I would be on my computer (ahem) or outside practicing my archery. Since Spring is nearly here and we've had a run of nice days I'd assume that it would be mild and nice enough to not need a coat. We'd be happy and carefree......

UGH

Today is Sunday....we got 2 inches of snow last night, covering a layer of ice from the freezing rain and sleet that pummeled down on us yesterday. Chad's parents and 4 other family members came into town (barely) yesterday. They had planned on getting a hotel, but couldn't get any further than the end of the street. His mother and step-father are really nice and funny people. The teenage neice that came with them is really cool, along with an adult cousin. The two boys they brought with them are driving me batshit....pardon my language. They do NOT listen, talk back and even convinced our boys that using the lid of the toy box to sled down the stairs was a good idea.....this morning......while I was trying to sleep off a headache and bad night's "sleep"....RIGHT BESIDE MY HEAD WHERE THE STAIR MEETS OUR WALL!!!! What's worse? We told them yesterday that it was absolutely not acceptable. Chad and Sean are outside trying to unclog the sewage system so any of the current 15 residents of this house can use the restroom.....I desperately need to pee and have since I got up. Its 4:30 pm.

Its also our 11 year wedding anniversary.

FML

Word Vomit

2010-03-09T21:12:00.003-06:00

I have this problem. I can be outspoken...if I'm forced to. Wait, let me start over.

My mother always tells everyone that I'm outspoken, or points out that I'm always outspoken with HER, you know - to the point of being mean...and then I feel bad and want to hit something. Anyway...she's right, just not entirely. It takes a LOT. Like, but the time I tell someone off or become this 'outspoken' person, I've usually been holding my tongue for a long time and you've done one of at least two things. A)You've focused your stupidity/anger on someone I care about or B)You've become belligerant or have gotten to the point that you think you can say or do whatever you want. That's pretty much the point where you've just gone too far...and that is a different point for different people.

In my mom's defense, I am blunt. I'm painfully honest and if I don't like you, you'll know it - if you are observant....which if you are, then I'll probably like you. I'm a complicated person.

The reason for this tangent: My mother and I had a fight. As I mentioned before, my mother is getting married. Its been 6 years (Feb. 9th) since my father died and she and her fiancee were concerned about how I felt considering my father and I were so close. In all honesty, I am happy for her. She has known this guy since high school, though has only talked to him once (about 8 years ago) in a VERY long time. In January, she found him online and just wanted to see how he was doing. That mophed into catching up and, crazily enough, falling in love....at 62. So, yes, I am happy for her.
I'm not 12. Its silly to throw a fit about something when you are 28, married with children of your own....you know?

BUT - She went from saying "I'm talking to this guy..." to "The wedding is in April" within a month. Also, my mom was calling every day....and now I hear from her maybe once a week so the status changed from phone call to phone call. So, little by little, I started to get a little irritated. Why?

I've met him once, briefly. I'll get one week to meet and get to know him at the end of this month...and then she is leaving to go back to Texas with him and stay there for a week or two and then the wedding is at the end of April. I'll have a brand new Step-Father and will have known him for only a week. THAT is what I'm having the issue with, I guess.

Ok, so maybe there are others....

I've kept ALL of this inside, supporting her and being happy for her, until something just snapped a couple of days ago and I "word vomited" all over the phone. The first part (that I typed above) just kinda spewed out and all I wanted was to get off the phone before I said anything else. I clamped my jaw shut and growled at her that I needed to hang up. Course, she fought me..wanting to talk it out...then was just NOT the time.

Now she's all worried and wants to talk about it...but I don't. I just want to go back to being happy for her and get on with it. My fear - if we talk I'll vomit some more and I don't want to do that. Soon she'll be married and living with her husband in Texas and the kids will go there for some summer vacation and I'll travel there for the first time.....and I just want her to forget the conversation already.

I Did It!!

2010-02-23T14:53:00.002-06:00

After 3 years of planning to do this, 3 years planning to face my fears and just jump in with both feet, I finally got my first tattoo!
First of all - I took this pic with Sean's new phone (and I hate him cuz his its awesome and I'm jealous)...Anyway!

It is written in Scottish Gaelic and means "Remember those you come from". Jake Dalton at Miller Cotton's Tattoos in Springfield, MO was the artist who put it there and, even though it was 10 at night and he'd worked a 12 hour day alone, he was incredibly kind and made me feel at ease.

The pain was nowhere near as bad as I had expected....but, I'm not ready to dive into my first full color back piece or anything :). My BF Jenn said it felt like needles going into your skin over and over again....exactly. There were only a few times I winced, but most of the time I could tune it out while we talked. I can NOT wait for my next one.

My mother was furious, as was her boyfriend/fiancee...my sister and brother are in shock that I actually did it. Me? I'm just excited that I'm officially the black sheep of the family :))!

Show and Tell

2010-01-26T12:53:00.003-06:00

Alternate Title: Shame On Me

I actually really like the e-mail that Blogher ads sends me to remind me that its been 2 weeks since I last posted on my blog. They are so nice about it in the e-mail "We Miss You"....Yeah, I know. I'm awesome and the world is colder when I don't post. I'm sorry world. Shame on me for withholding my awesomeness.

Crap. The Bloggess says that every time we say 'awesome' God kills a kitten...or something like that. Crap crap.

Anyway..so where have I been for two weeks.....Honestly, I don't' know. I mean, I know 'where' I am...its just that time kinda runs together and it doesn't feel like two weeks. Well, I've been in my room mainly - the TV and computer are in my room so, seriously, there is no reason to ever leave. Right?
The kids have alternated being sick so I spent some time cleaning up vomit off the floor...dang, I can't take credit for that. My husband did it. Both times. BUT, I did spend my precious time watching him!
Wait, that's not right either. The second time I vaguely remember seeing his back through my sleep-filled eyes...I only know it wasn't a dream because the vomit was magically gone by morning. OOOOOOH, Wait!! Maybe it was the Vomit Cleaner Fairy! See, Sean, I TOLD you it was real. If you wait long enough they'll come clean it up for you! (He's giving me that "Seriously?" look again. Dream killer.)

What else...? Oh, my mom has a boyfriend. LONG story. Yes, I'm ok with it...which I guess is really strange considering how much I loved my dad and how close we were....but, Mom has a right to be happy and she knew this guy in High School - they were best friends...So yes, I'm cool with it. However, she has discovered IM so I've lost every area where I can hide from her. She IM's me gushing about him, or freaking out because the computer is screwing with her. I.E., she and technology do NOT get along.

I've taken more pics in the last few days than I have in the last 6 months...which is cool and really pathetic all at the same time. Here are a few of my favs (also explains the title):

My neice "H"

My Best Friend Jennifer and her sister Bri (15 years younger than Jenn)

My nephew "H"

And my Favorite from the day:

Its like there is something freakishly horrible behind me and instead of warning me, she just sits there with this crazy-eyed stare. (She's gonna kill me)

Moving - Again

2010-01-07T16:20:00.002-06:00

It just never ends, does it? I feel like I'm the dot in "Pong", bouncing back and forth between two walls. I just want one of them to miss so I can be free of their control!

We are moving again. Why? Because we are 'poor' and our friends are 'poor' and it seems that two families living in one house is the only way that either of us will ever survive.

I keep hoping and praying that this depressive recession will just end already, but then I realize that it probably never will. Why do I think that? The bible, Revelation to be exact...enough said. I don't talk about religion...maybe I should, I guess - show some of my reality. Just not today.

Our room is set up and only half of our things are going into storage this time - so I do feel better about that. We will actually have a presence this time around, feel as though it belongs to us too, and that is nice. I'll have to get some pics :). I'll have a place to work on my photography once the warm weather comes back (Please, GOD, don't let that take too long) and the back yard is enclosed so I'll be able to work on my archery too - when I'm not playing on the Wii that is :).

TGI2010

2010-01-01T09:00:00.002-06:00

At 4:22 this morning I considered strongly coming into the living room and blogging....because I was still kinda drunk...and it felt like I'd been kicked in the back and couldn't find a comfortable way to lay and HELLO I was awake at 4:22 am...and EVERYTHING I wanted to write seemed incredibly funny.

Now, its still kinda funny, but I don't think I have the nerve to write it anymore.

Which leads me to my next thought - I realized that this blog is kinda boring. I mean, I leave so much of 'me' out of it because, well...I'm kinda crazy. I tone it down because I don't know if there is family reading it...or GOD FORBID, my mother finds it - and Yes, that was a request to God to forbid it, I was not taking his name in vain for the heck of it.

What do I tone down? Well, I'm glad you asked. Not that I'm overly proud of it, but I kinda have a thing with foul language. I don't mind using *&^(*^% in place of actual letters, so that won't change. Also, I sometimes have the mind of a 12 year old boy where things like farts are being funny and I can turn just about everything someone says into something dirty. Seriously, if you ever meet me in person and I start giggling when your talking, but quickly stifle it? Yeah, I totally took something you just said to 12yo-Boysville. Also, sometimes I get into my typing and make absurdly funny typos: Like yesterday I was typing 'insight into the human psyche' and I typed 'insight into the hyman'...I snorted.

So, I want to tell you all about my NYE. I know I'll be judged and family will shake their heads and be ashamed of me...and yet, it was still MY NYE. You know? I lived it so why not tell about it. All I want for this year is to live honestly. Honest with myself, with others. To be the me that I've wanted to be...period. Besides, by telling you my NYE, you'll know how to pray for me, family :).

The day started out helping Jenn and Chad move their stuff to their new bedroom, which meant they were cleaning out their old bedroom so we could move back in. At one point there was an obscenely large couch wedged in the hallway, before it was drug outside and thrown onto the porch, where a small white plastic chair was also thrown, out of frustration and it hit the edge of the porch ceiling and shattered into many dangerously pointy pieces and I laughed like a lunatic. Important note: I did not do the throwing and no alcohol was involved at this point. Perhaps there should have been.
Around 7 we began to celebrate by firing up the Wii, gorging ourselves on little smokies and spray cheese from a can, and the creating of a new EVIL drink. This drink was called Red Dawn. I had 5 glasses of this Red Dawn. The math? 5 Red Dawns = 10 shots of Peach Schnapps, 5 Shots of Rum, 5 shots of Everclear (the really strong, illegal in 17 states version) and roughly 3.5 cans of Mt. Dew. OH MY GOSH!!!
First we were all surprised that something with Everclear could actually not make us want to rip our throats out. The guys have been drinking this stuff lately and Jenn and I just want to gag when we catch a whiff of it. Jenn had 4 of these bad boys.
I've never seen Jenn drunk - until last night.
I've never been THAT drunk in my LIFE!!
Our Wii games got progressively worse...and progressively funnier.
Wii Baseball is NOT my game - drunk or sober.
At 10:30 Jenn was ready to pass out and I was trying to convince her to eat. When she finally made it back from the kitchen she sat in the hallway on the stairs until her neice tried to help her walk..and then Sean made her laugh and she just collapsed. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. Then something happened that would make this part infinitely funnier, but I can't tell you cuz Jenn would kill me
At 11 Jenn fell onto the bed and I realized I needed food or I'd never make it to midnight...and I needed to pee. Sean helped me into the bathroom because, seriously, I COULD NOT walk right.
I have no idea how long I was in the bathroom - I think I may have passed out a couple times while sitting on the toilet. At one point I nearly fell off because I was laughing too hard. In my defense, the toilet was making this noise when I moved that sounded like it was honking at me. Just imagine how funny that would be to a drunk girl...the toilet honking at her. Its even funny to me now.
Anyway, finally Chad jimmied the lock and Sean was able to come sit with me. We laughed about the toilet. Sometime after that I emerged from the bathroom and started crying about something Sean said. Something about going home and I was so disappointed that we wouldn't all be together when 'the ball dropped'. Also, I had no idea how I was going to walk home...which is right across the street.
I don't remember walking home.
Sometime around 4:22 this morning I considered getting up and blogging about all of this, but if I had it would NOT have been this tame. I swear.

I was always kinda jealous of people that could get so drunk that they were complete idiots or forgot frames of time...or even whole nights. Now? Not so much. While I'm not sitting here with the splitting headache that I expected, my back does hurt...and I've been in the bathroom much too much...not that you really wanted to know that. Never again will I drink 5 of those blasted drinks. ONE is my max. Period. Oh, and did I mention I was numb? I've heard people mention that before, but I thought it was a euphamism...its not. I was litterally numb and it was the strangest feeling ever.
So yes, it was fun and I haven't laughed that hard in a while.
Which brings me to a new resolution: Learn to laugh that hard while sober. Learn to let go a little when I'm sober. And Never, Ever drink that much again.

Why did I do it at all? Because I was saying goodbye to a horrible year. A year, nay a decade, of crap. I have high hopes for 2010 and the decade to come.

Happy New Year, everyone. Love your family, love yourself, laugh like lunatics, dance without music, perform random acts of kindness, honor others by giving them complete honesty....live a life without regrets and remember that tomorrow is never a guarantee. Make 2010 beautiful.

The Obligatory Christmas Post

2009-12-27T01:30:00.002-06:00

Christmas was....meh. Isaac woke us up early, standing next to our bed and breathing heavy with excitement. "Mom. Dad. I'm awake." "Dude, ok....now go to your room." (The 'dude' is there because that's how I talk when I get woken up at oh-my-god-o'clock and I'm scared into conciousness.) "But...I'm awake." "Yeah...I can see that. Now go to your room. I'll be up in a minute."

15 minutes later I woke up again and stumbled into the bathroom. I could hear Ike and Lylli in their room whispering and then I hear Lylli say: "What...is that snow?" Then, I kid you not, I can hear both of them shooting out of their beds and Isaac's feet hitting the floor as he runs...then a thud when he hits the window. He HIT THE WINDOW! Then crazy yells "It SNOWED!!!" Yes, there were three exclamations marks...really.

This is the first year since I was a kid that we've had a white Christmas (I just typed Christ 3 times to capitalize the 'c'....see how much I love you people?) and I'm really glad that the kids will have at least one to remember. Of course, for the rest of the day I had to hear Lylli ask me if she could play in the snow. All. Freakin'. Day.

The roads weren't as bad as I thought they'd be, but since we had to drive on a couple 'back roads' to get to the fam's house we thought maybe we wouldn't make it to both get-togethers. We got to our honorary family's house and had 'breakfast for lunch'...OMG I was so stuffed on bacon, buscuits, gravy, sausage, and pancakes (made with 7up)...and decided that maybe we should try to make it out to see my bro and SIL. So, we loaded up and headed out...and almost went off the road on a patch of ice not even a half-mile from the previous house. UGH.
Anyway, we made it there safely, stayed for an hour and watched our daughter open a never-ending backpack filled with princess-themed goodness.
On the way back we DID go off the road. Sean is an expert at ice patches and handled it well...until I noticed the little tree we were heading for and I started chanting "No tree. No, no tree." Like it was about to pee on the carpet...sheesh. Sean swerved in time and we stopped safely in some stranger's front yard. Awesome.

All in all? Great Christmas...I just wish we hadn't spent so much time in the van. We decided on the way home that from now on we are limiting it to only one family get-together a day. We missed the best of both houses and it kinda sucked.

I shall leave you with photos of my kids geekin' out over their presents.

Ok, so you see how big the box is...now look at the GUN!!! Its huge, almost as tall as Lylli. It's actually 2 guns in one, which is great for when their dad and I have war with each other after the kids go to bed...Ahem.

This next one: Lylli was loading it and Sean told her to make sure nothing was in there. Something about him wanting to get a pic of her making a goofy face so he could title it "Girls Just Don't Understand"....he is such a sexist pig, lol. We do too understand. BTW, Sean...I totally pwned you earlier when we were shooting targets. I got more than you did....so NEENER!!!

Me: In Music

2009-12-21T15:08:00.004-06:00

Most of my life I've had very certain musical tastes. I knew what I hated and what I liked...now the lines are blurring and its kinda freaking me out. I mean, I keep asking myself why. Wait...let me give you some examples of what I mean.

This is me:

And This:

And gotta have my soundtrack/showtune goodness:

Then recently I discovered this:

and this:

and even this:

and now I'm going insane over this:

I've always been the showtunes/light stuff kinda girl...now I'm into Indie and headbanging....what is going on? I mean, some things remain the same: It has to have words, it has to have meaning, I have to be able to understand 99% of what they are saying.
I can feel changes within myself and I've been looking for inspiration for a long time...finally finding some feels really good.

I get annoyed going to people's blogs and just seeing a bunch of video boxes...and slightly nervous because I don't want something jumping out and scaring me...but trust me, these songs are great.

If you've got recommendations, I'd be happy to hear/watch them. I need more music in my life.

Castro, Peeing the Bed and Other Random Junk

2009-12-16T05:46:00.004-06:00

Its 5:45 am and I'm awake so I thought I'd let you in whats been going through my mind as I laid in bed for the last hour.

I wonder if Fidel ever sits around smoking one of his cigars grinning like the Cheshire cat because his silly cigars are a hot, illegal commodity here in the US and does he, sometimes just because he can, put them out when he's only halfway finished with them...the "rubbing out" of it symbolic of rubbing his accessability to them in our faces.
I can just see it now: Me: "Honey, wake up, I need you to get out of the bed so I can change the sheets." Sean: "Wha...Huh? *grumble grumble fart snort*" Me: "I peed the bed." Sean (more alert now that the word pee has been thrown out there): "You did what now?" Me: "I peed the bed...get up!" Sean: "Why did you pee the bed, exactly?" Me (annoyed): "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because now that I've had two children I can't "hold it" to save my life and even though I peed before I came to bed this organ-dislodging hacking I've been doing for the last hour forced what little bit I still had inside me to come out?"
Wait...is Fidel dead? Ok then...his son or whoever....Cubans...*cough, HACCCKKKKK, cough*
Maybe I should drink whats left of the bottle of children's cough medicine? *cough, cough* But then, what if the kids need it and there isn't any? Crap....*cough up lung*
I need to find a psychiatrist...for my book...wait, maybe I they'll like, take pity on me and throw in free sessions if I mention them...like name a character after them or something. That would be kinda sweet.
*Cough* Crap!!! *HACCCKKK* Why doesn't he wake up when I'm dying over here? If I said 'boobs' he'd be awake and drooling...but throat-barking like a mad dog with 'roid rage? Nothing. Stupid Man.
Wouldn't it be cool if they made some sort of mouth thingie, like a retainer, that held a cough drop in place so you could fall asleep with it dissolving in your mouth? I mean, it would kinda be perfect. You could fall asleep without coughing, or that annoying fear of choking, and it would totally trick your brain into thinking you didn't have to cough every 5 seconds and you could actually, maybe sleep.
*Cough* Sonofa....
I wish the Bloggess had another post up....god that woman is hilarious. I just freakin' adore her...what I wouldn't give for one day inside her head....I wish I could read minds.
*look at the clock* 5:45??? I'm wide awake and coughing...I might as well just stay up until the boy gets up for school...at least Sean wouldn't have to wake up and grumble and complain loudly for an hour because he has to do it.
Is that the neighbor running their garbage disposal??? Holy Crap!

And there you have it...an hour of my mind. What's sad? This is normal compared to the crap I usually think.

**Edit - My husband read this and, with wide eyes, asked if I had really peed the bed. I DID NOT pee the bed...just so everyone knows. It was purely a thought I had when I coughed and realized it was a possibility. Ladies with children, you know what I'm talking about.

Want!! Need!! Gotta Have Right. Now!!

2009-12-15T02:46:00.002-06:00

Read about it HERE!!! And then buy it for me Pwease!!

**Edit - I totally should have mentioned my incredible friend Mackenzies Momma for alerting me to this awesome find. So...I'm doing that now. Also, if the creators of this fab machine want someone to give it a test run or do a product review, I AM TOTALLY YOUR GIRL!

FB Quiz part 5

2009-12-14T08:16:00.000-06:00

More Have You? questions:

Had the Chicken pox: yes
Ever gotten a scar: yes
Had a broken nose: no
Had your tonsels removed?: no
Had ice cream in the morning: yes
Had to give the heimlich: yes
Dated outside your race?: maybe kinda
Given a hickey?:... yeah
Dated your good friend/best friend?: yeah
Sung in the shower?: yes
Spit in someone's drink?: no
Dumped someone?: yes
Opened your Christmas presents early?: yes
Peed outside?: no
Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times?: no
Had more than five REAL bf/gf?: no
Played a computer game for more than 5 hours?: yes
Ran through the sprinklers naked?: no
Ate food that fell on the floor?: yes
Went outside naked?: no....I don't think so anyway
Made out with your best friends bf/gf?: no
Mooned somebody?: no
Been on stage?: yes
Made someone cry?: yes
Been in a parade?: yes
Been in a school play?: no
Drank beer?: yes
Gotten detention?: yes
Been on a plane?: no
Been on a cruise?: no
Broken into a house?: my own
Gotten a tattoo?: not yet
Gotten piercings?: no
Cried so hard you threw up?: yes
Gotten into a shouting match?: hell yes.....MARRIED! Duh.
Been skinny dipping?: yes
Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose?: yes
Laughed so hard it hurt?: yes
Tripped on your own feet?: yes
Cried yourself to sleep?: yes
Cried in public?: yes
Thrown up in public?: no
Lied to your parents?: yes
Skipped class?: no
Slept in class?: yes

Nice Spin!!

2009-12-13T17:45:00.004-06:00

I rarely do this, but I couldn't resist. Its too long for a Twitter update so I wanted to say it here.

So, I've been glancing through this Tiger Woods stuff. Its not like I can help it. Every time I refresh Yahoo! it seems like there is something new to report. Its not like I also have links to EW Magazine and OMG! on yahoo....*cough* Anyway...

I was reading this post on OMG about the endorsers who are dropping him like he's last months waste. Nike is keeping him (big surprise there) but some global consulting firm called Accenture is dropping him saying he's "no longer the right representative". His slogan for their ad campaign? "Go Ahead, Be a Tiger." (Bwahahahaha) Yeah, I'd probably stop that slogan too.

After glancing over this I almost moved on to something else when this gem, and the reason for this post, caught my eye. IMHO, its the most awesome spin I've seen in a long time. While Accenture chose to be blunt and just drop him with honesty, ole P&G chose to use his own words to fire him. NICE!

"On Saturday, one of Woods' other major sponsors, Gillette, announced they
will phase the golfer out of its advertising. The Procter & Gamble company
was the first to distance themselves from Woods, who last appeared in a
primetime TV ad for Gillette on Nov. 29.

"As Tiger takes a break from the public eye, we will support his desire for privacy by limiting his role in our marketing programs," a company spokesman said. "

FB Quiz part 4

2009-12-13T08:15:00.000-06:00

The What Is? portion

Your good luck charm: the number 8
Best song you ever heard: Breathe by Alexi Murdoch (for 1)
Stupidest thing you have ever done: skinny dipping complete with photos
What's your room like: pathetically small and full of... junk
Last thing you said: bye
What is beside you: my dog
What shampoo do you use: herbal essence for long hair
Worst thing that has happened to you this year: an hour ago
Your body type? : hmm...yeah, thought about it...don't care to answer..wait..Curvacious
Your skin tone?: translucent
Your most missed memory: my dad
the first thing that comes to mind whhen you hear: Blue?: sean
Today's date: the 8th of December
What is the best grade you've ever gotten on an essay: A+ that was a long time ago though
What is the shortest distance between two objects?: a straight line
Your biggest fear?: dying a half-person
Your happiest moment?: the moment my kids were born
On your feet?: boots

More MISC questions:

Would you eat a live hamster for $1,000,000?: ewwwww no....they stink
Would you go to a Manson concert if you had a free ticket?: Thats a big HELL to the NO
If you were stuck on an island, what people would you want with ...: *giggle* The Cast of Twilight
If you loved someone and you were keeping something from them an: an what? I'm not sure what I'm being asked
Do you admire anyone?: Not one person...but qualities within people, yes
Who is the last person that called you: my mom
Who was the last person you slow danced with: husband
What makes you laugh the most: intelligent, slightly sarcastic and dry, humor
What makes you smile: good music, clever thoughts, well written books
Do you like filling these out: kinda
Do you wear contacts or glasses?: neither...supposed to wear reading glasses but they broke
Do you like yourself: wow.....not usually
Do you get along with your family: some of them
Do you have piercings below the waist: hahahahahahaha no
Have you stolen anything over $30?: no
Are you obsessive?: over some things yes
Are you compulsive?: sometimes
Want to have children?: have them :)
Do you like mornings?: Hate them...unless I can spend them in dreamland
Do you enjoy seafood?: NO
What are you listening to right now: the New Moon soundtrack
What makes you happy: my kids, geeking out, and taking pictures
What did you do yesterday: sat on my butt in the house to stay out of the cold...and wrote
Got any awards: does HS count?
What car do you wish to have: a jeep Wrangler, a Mini Cooper, a Ford Flex...a '64 1/2 Mustang
Do you want to get married: married already
If you could change anything about yourself, what would you chan: too easy
Good driver: I think so
Good dancer: not at all
Good Singer: I've been told so....
Have a lava lamp: no
How many remote controls are in your house: too many
Are you double jointed: no
What do you dream about: crazy sh**
Last time you showered: lol yesterday?
The last movie you saw at the theatres: New Moon
Scary or happy movies: happy
Root beer or Dr. Pepper: neither....Coke
Mud or Jell-O wrestling: rofl....Jello I guess
Vanilla or chocolate: Chocolate all the way
Skiing or Boarding: neither...but that would be funny to see
Summer or winter: Fall or Spring
Silver or Gold: silver
Diamond or pearl: depends on the setting
Sunset or Sunrise: sunset
Sprite or 7up: neither
Orange juice or apple juice: orange juice
Cats or dogs: dogs
Coffee or tea: flavored coffee or sweet tea...either one
Phone or in person: in person
Oldest, middle, youngest or only child: youngest of 9
Indoor or Outdoor: indoor
Describe Yourself In One Word: off-kilter
What's your biggest fear?: what isn't?
What's your biggest mistake?: you'd have to buy me dinner first
Your proudest accomplishment: my kids
#1 Priority in your life: family
Dream job: photographer or architect
Special talents: tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue....is that a special talent?
Where are you right now?: in my living room
Where would you rather be?: in Scotland
Famous person you'd like to meet: I've already outed myself twice in this list...I won't do it a third time
Place to visit before you die: Scotland
Song to be played at your funeral: anything with bagpipes

Facebook Quiz part 3

2009-12-12T08:08:00.000-06:00

This is the Have You Ever? portion

Swam in freezing water: Who would...? *shakes head sadly* No, Quiz...I haven't. Perv.
Jumped off a house: What the??? NO! If you ask me what kind of Ice Cream I like again...I might.
Been attacked: wow...kinda, yes
B...een on a plane: no
Gotten injured: yes
Bungee jumped: hell no
White water rafted: um...no
Pulled an all-nighter: doing what? Doesn't matter....Yes, Yes I have.
Broken a bone: hairline fracture, to be exact
Lied about your age: no
Been in a hot air balloon: no
Surfed: no
Stolen anything?: only from my sister
Been drunk before noon?: not that I recall
Had sex in a public place?: lol...yeah...kinda
Got caught telling a lie?: yes
Got a speeding ticket: yes
Been arrested: no
Littered: yes...wait, are you trying to get me arrested?
Fantasized about a co-worker: yes
Cheated on a test: no
Cheated in a relationship: yes
Failed a class: yes..ugh
Screened your phone calls: yes
Eaten food off the floor?: yes
Stuck gum under a desk: yes
Wished you were someone else: yes
Cried during a movie: yes
Had a one night stand?: no

and the Do You? Portion:
Hold grudges: yes...
Play an instrument: used to..stop repeating yourself...you are quite annoying
Read the newspaper: Yes
Believe in ghosts: kinda...but not the way you think..probably...who knows what the hell you think......
Have an obsession: lol yes...yes, I do
Like winning: Yes
Like waiting: NO
Have freckles: yes
Snore: ask the husband....but remember, he lies :)
Believe in love at first sight: maybe
Wear contacts or glasses: neither
Like yourself: not usually...thanks for being a total a$$
Get along with your family?: some of them
Do you wish you lived somewhere else?: all the time
Do you like roller coasters?: no
Enjoy spending time with your Mom?: yeah...sure
Ever think about the price of gasoline?: I try not to
Sleep with a fan on?: yes
Have a good handle on spelling?: yez....mots ov teh time
Ever type "kik" instead of "lol"?: huh? Probably, kik
Know how to play chess?: no
Want to get married?: lol...am...leave it at that
Ever miss being a little kid?: sure
Like seafood?: no

Facebook Quiz part 2

2009-12-11T08:06:00.000-06:00

This one is the Basic Info and Favorites portion...

Name: Kendra
Birthday: May 20, 1981
Current Location: Missouri
Eye Color: Hazel (brown and green)
Hair Color: Reddish...kinda auburn...dark...hell, I don't know anymore
Height: 5'3"
Single or Taken: taken
Do You Smoke: yes
D...o You Shower Daily?: um...I try to? I have kids, you know
Hug or Kiss?: do I have to choose?
Soup, Salad or French Fries?: Depends on the soup :)
Do you believe in God?: Yes
Country Born in: USA....you really know how to bring a girl down, Quiz
Shoe size: depends on the shoe....7-8 1/2
Innie or Outie: innie
Righty or Lefty: Righty....but I can use both to write
Where do you work?: *ouch* I'm a photographer....a poor one. Answer your question?
When did you start using Facebook?: Actually using it? Not long ago
How much time do you spend on Facebook a day?: too much time
Do you own a cell phone?: yes
Do you like to text?: used to
Play an instrument?: used to play a few...have forgotten most of it now
Have any tattoos?: not yet

Fruit: banana, strawberry
Flower: Orchid, Sterling Rose, Yellow Rose, Calla Lilly
Ice Cream: chocolate
Restaurant: Olive Garden
Sport: Football (to watch), Archery (participant)
Number: 8
Soda: Coke (wait, didn't I already ...answer this....is this some kind of test???)
Song: too many to name
Color: Green...Purple....dark red
Saying: *snort*
Alcoholic Drink: Strawberry Margarita
Sight: my kids getting along...or sleeping :)
Smell: vanilla....or pumpkin bread....or baked apples
Breakfast food: scrambled eggs and buscuits and gravy
Favorite possession: Vase my hubby made me in HS
Mall store: what is this 'mall' that you speak of?
Fast food restaurant: McD's....Taco Bell....depends on the day
Comedian: Jeff Dunham for one....
Sandlot or Little Rascals: both I guess
Holiday: *USED TO BE* Christmas
Number: 8...wait...holy crap...I KNOW I answered this one already....You messing with me?
Hard Candy: Werther's Original
Favorite Ice Cream: HOLY *&(^!!! Stop That!! Chocolate!! I've alrady told you, CHOCOLATE!!!
Cartoon Character: Agatha Heterodyne
Kind of pants: magic ones that make me look like a goddess??

Facebook Quiz part 1

2009-12-10T03:03:00.003-06:00

Ok, so I've been doing these Facebook quiz things for a long time and the questions are starting to be the same, and I had this weird epiphany that I should post the answers here so you good people can get to know me. So, this week I'm going to post one a day...hey, it will give you something to read.

Just remember, that I have answered these questions before...I think...the old thinker isn't so great, you know? Anyway, I've kinda started to lose my mind with them...Enjoy.

Basic Info
Do you like to cook?: When I have the right ingredients and dishes are clean first, yes
Do you eat out more often than you cook?: when I can
Do you like sports?: watching them...football..., yes
How do you spend your free time?: internet, writing, reading, listening to music, photography
What state are you from?: missouri

Favorites
soda?: Coke
kind of cooked fish?: none
activity to do with your kids?: watch sci-fi shows
thing you like to do alone?: read, write.....anything I said above
thing you like to do with your loved one?: lol, you naughty quiz, you. Nice one.

Have you Ever
been camping?: yes
sucked helium from a balloon?: yes
walked around your house naked?: yes
wanted to live in another country?: yes, desperately...stop tormenting me about it...geeez
been banned from somewhere?: lol not that I know of

Do you
lie or always tell the truth?: always tell the truth..period
have a college degree?: yes...sortof
have a lot of friends on your facebook?: lol...that I actually know? No
grow your own vegetables?: *snort* you're funny, quiz, I'll give you that
feel your are a creative person?: yes...kinda

What is
your mother like?: kinda loony, but in the you-just-gotta-laugh way
your father like?: ouch, quiz...I don't like you anymore. When he was alive? Awesome :)
your motto?: Define yourself.
your religion?: christian
something you couldn't do as a child that you do now?: hahahahaha....a lot.

This/That
Crosswords or Word Search?: word search
Are you passive or aggressive?: passive until I'm reallllly mad...then aggressive (or unless you mess with family)
Play in the snow or Stay inside and drink cocoa?: drink cocoa inside, definately
Better to be rich and alone or poor with lots of love?: lol...wow. Um....pleading the 5th :)
OMG or WTF?: OMG WTF??? (obviously, both)

Relationships
On a first date, what would make you leave early?: he was an idiot
Do you kiss on the first date?: depends :)
How old were you when you first dated?: 15
Would you date someone that used to do drugs?: bwahahahahahhahaha (looks sideways at husband) I kinda married him :)
Would you care if your significant other went to a strip club?: OMG WTF??? Are you trying to ruin my marraige, Quiz???

Finish...
If I had to spend $1000 in one day I'd....: shop online at urban outfitters...or buy half a camera
I usually shop at...: nice...rub more salt in the wound
My biggest concern right now is....: why this quiz is trying to ruin my mood
I'm so happy that....: I'm not Hillary Clinton
I am totally craving a....: french vanilla cappucino

Firsts
Halloween?: huh?
time you bought a computer?: wow..."I" bought one? About 6 years ago
text today?: nope
person you talked to today?: husband, kids, Jennifer
person you called today on the phone?: no one....take that, Quiz!

Lasts
time you caught someone lying?: today...but she's 5 so.....
time you went shopping?: good God!!! You are heinous, Quiz! (breaks down sobbing) I can't remember
time you flew in a plane?: never
trip you took?: *sob harder* 5 years ago?
time you slept on the floor?: hmm....5 years ago? lol (wouldn't you like to know if there is a connection ;) )

My Steampunk Post - About Dang Time

2009-12-05T00:23:00.002-06:00

So, one day I was looking frantically on Barnes and Noble.com to find some good books to read. I came across a book that sounded cool and realized it was listed under something called 'Steampunk'. I'd heard of it but never really looked it up. I googled it. OMG Mother Of All That Is Awesome In This World!!! I was hooked. It was literally like an 'angels-singing-heaven's-opened' moment.
I used to watch those HGTV shows where the decorator would ask the couple 'What is your style?' and they would come up with this 'Post-modern Tudor' or some stupid crap. I was always kinda jealous though. First, I felt so un-sophiscated...and I hate feeling that way. Second, I had no idea what my style is and I LOVE design and architecture.

Steampunk is MY style. 100%, all the way. Sean's too, now that he knows what it is, so its even better.

Steampunk by definition is:
"The term denotes works set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—but with prominent elements of either science fiction or fantasy, such as fictional technological inventions like those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne...Steampunk is a sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction. "

Great Links to Steampunk Enthusiasts and stuff I'm dying to have. This totally rocks my socks. Seriously.

Brass Goggles
The Steampunk Home
Ray Guns EEEEK!
Steampunk Jewelry
Locket I'd give my arm for
More Steampunk Jewelry
Photos on flickr of Steampunk conventions and stuff. Might give you a better idea.

BTW, and totally unrelated, I am now on skype as 'athsndwords' so hit me up...or something. Whatever it is the cool kids say. I'm totally home 90% of the time and bored out of my mind.

Also, I've started writing again. Like, a book...an actual book. Based on a dream I had. I'll let you know how it progress'.

OMG, Victoria Knows My Secret!!

2009-12-03T13:27:00.003-06:00

So, the first year I watched the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show was 2006 (which, when I started this post I had no idea it had been that long) and was floored when there was a segment for Scottish themed stuff. I squealed and was in love. This was one of the outfits that I fell for.

This pic is crap - I THOUGHT I had blogged about the last one - I must be losing my mind. Her clothing is plaid...you just can't tell. UGH.

SO, this year I considered not watching or caring, BUT!! I saw a photo on Yahoo! that demanded me to watch the entire thing.

Something I've been meaning to make a post about, and haven't gotten off my arse to do it, is that I'm completely enamored and in love with Steampunk. Sean and I have decided to decorate our house in this style - one piece at a time. For those that don't know it is a blend of Victorian and futuristic technology. There is a lot of metal and gears and OMG I love it. Seriously...google it. You'll come up with a zillion images to help you understand what I mean.

Anyway - I saw some Angels with gears on their wings and I nearly lost my mind. Enjoy :)

Reflections on the Water

2009-11-16T17:49:00.003-06:00

2 Sundays ago we took the kids (we being us and our best friends) to the lake. It was Lylli's first time fishing and the first time I've fished since I was a kid. She is an excellent caster - Like a Pro, Ya'll!!

This was Isaac's second time fishing. He was the proud user of a HUGE pole. He only nearly hooked his sister once :). Oh, and this face he's making - I SWEAR my son does smile. Really, he does. I snapped the photo seconds before his face lit up. Isn't he incredibly handsome anyway folks??

I don't understand the 'Conan O'Brian' thing his hair is doing in the middle. Oh wait, yeah I do. My mom was the last one to touch his head with scissors. UGH.
After we all got home we watched GI Joe - FanTastic Movie!! - and Lylli made us go outside afterwards to let her ride her bike. Now that she's over the fear of falling off from 2 feet off the ground she rides whenever she can.
The sky was absolutely incredible so I'll close this with 2 pictures of the sky :).

The sky actually looked like that. Breathtaking. I just wish I'd had my wide-angle lens on the camera so I could've caught more.

Fessing Up

2009-11-01T02:21:00.003-06:00

Wanna know why I've been gone?

Because my depression has come back with a vengeance. I didn't want this blog to be 'poor me'...but I didn't want to neglect it either.

Its been building for a while and has be incredibly worse the last few days. I can't seem to function and I feel like an empty shell. Even now, I don't want to get into it. I'm really lost right now and struggling.

I broke down tonight in front of my husband - who just stood there and stared at me until he finally interrupted me to say "I gotta use the bathroom" and walked off. I'll admit that knowing what to say would be hard for anyone. I'm sure he feels as helpless as I do hopeless...it just would have been nice to get a hug, you know?

Its everything...being broke, my weight, the house, the kids, the lack of work, no enthusiasm for anything at all. I've read more books in the last 2 weeks than I have all year and don't remember 9/10ths of what I read. I don't even know if they were 'good'.

However...I did laugh tonight. It wasn't big - but it existed. I was sad when it hit me that I think it was the first time I laughed honestly in a long time...but a teensy, tiny bit hopeful because I was able to do it at all.

If you pray, please pray for me. Its really bad this time.

Introducing Babs

2009-10-23T22:12:00.002-05:00

Babs (her name was Lucy) has been with us for about a week. She's a great addition so far - it helps that she is litter box trained. We let her run around the living room at night and I can't help giggling and saying "Sean...Sean...there's a Rabbit! in our living room!!" I'm like a little kid :).

The kids love her - obviously.

Chance?

Well, he doesn't know what to think of her. He is a mix between ignoring her, chasing her and wanting to hump her. He sniffs her butt - that's about his only interest at the moment.

Apparently...she does share one of my bad habits. Bad bunny.

And...she's kinda a camera whore - unless she's drinking her water and then she turns all "Bunny Diva".

Oh..and Babs = Big A$$ Bunny. She's as big as the dog, yo!

A Few Songs I Love

2009-10-19T02:46:00.001-05:00

Here are a few videos of songs that I'm constantly listening to right now...thought I'd share. You might find something you like too :).

Doug Pitt

2009-10-11T02:27:00.003-05:00

So my husband is sitting in our friend's kitchen tonight and starts to tell this story from work today about a bike, and customer they had in the shop (he works for Harley-Davidson). Chad pipes up with "They'll never believe you."

"So I'm checking in this guy and his bike...this bike was sweet too. We're talking a DVD player that pops up and out, saddle bags with one holding this SWEET amp like I have in my truck, a fixed ferring ('chopper' style front). (A woman who works there) was walking back to the service department and glanced at him...then she nearly stopped and stared at him. Then she pulls me aside and tells me its Brad Pitt's brother. So I looked his name up again in the computer and, sure enough, his name is Doug Pitt. So I told him that some of the women up front were talking and I just asked him "Are you Brad Pitt's brother." He kinda laughed and said yes. He was a really cool guy. Apparently the bike had been Brad's but he sold it to his brother."

Ok, Jenn and I were freaking out a little. Yeah, I knew that Brad's brother lived in Springfield and I see his face on billboards for a new education campaign that he's involved in but SERIOUSLY!! In my husband's workplace?? I started laughing like crazy and asked Sean "You actually ASKED him if he was Brad's brother??" There is no way in heck that I would have done that.

Then I was all "Dude, you're like one degree of seperation from Brad Pitt now." Chad goes "Hey! I actually worked on the bike."

Then Jenn and I high-fived. We are so jealous and proud, all at the same time :).

Bored

2009-10-10T03:00:00.004-05:00

I'm bored 90% of the time. I sit here at the computer hoping that someone will pop on to chat, or I check my e-mail obsessively, or I check to see if people have updated their blogs, or I play games on yahoo. Sure, there are other things I could do in the house to keep busy, but I don't...normally. When I do laundry you know that I've gotten fed up with being bored, lol.

The more bored I am, the less I can find to talk about...or write about in the case of my blog. It depresses me even more than normal.

Even now, its 3 am. There is an infomercial about a new way to quit smoking on the TV to my right and a burning cigarette in the ashtray to my left. The husband is snoring in the bedroom and the dog is snoring in the recliner. My eyes are burning and I'm thinking about heading to bed but I keep hoping that something amazing will happen if I stay awake.

And, lets face it, anytime after 11 pm is the only time there is some resemblance of silence in this house. Its the only time I have to me...and dangit, that time is precious! Sure, I'll be dead on my feet tomorrow but I think its worth the price sometimes.

Oh...and by the way..I'm getting a bunny. Might be tomorrow...might be next Thursday. Her name is Lucy...and I don't know whether to be freaked out by the fact that I'll have another animal in the house that has the potential to keep my dog barking all night long, or excited because DUDE!! I've been wanting a bunny for a long time.

Tasteless Joking

2009-10-03T00:59:00.003-05:00

Warning: This is not my normal post. It may contain material that will offend. Why do I post it then? Its my blog :). You have been warned.

So last night my husband and I went to our nephews' football games. We took a smoke break and I started talking about the tattoos that I want to get. I mentioned that I want to get one Stargate related....like getting the gate tattooed around my wrist if we could find a REALLY great artist that could do the symbols correctly.
Somewhere I had also asked something about it being sexy to have one on my lower back. I don't know how, but it got screwed around in his head that I meant my butt. I would NEVER do that, lol. I don't know what he was thinking.
BUT, he started cracking jokes about the gate on my rear end. These are the comments that had us laughing like two lunatics.

If you are not a Stargate fan you probably won't understand any of this. (I know Mackenzie's Momma will. *wink*)

I can see your event horizon. (him)
Let me take you to another world. (me)
This wormhole is a one way trip only.
Close the Iris - there's something trying to come through!
Close the blast doors!

Dang...there were more. I'd ask Sean but he's snoring loudly in the other room. I'll ask him tomorrow and post the rest. Most of them were his anyway...I was laughing too hard and I think I might have lost some of them in my tears.

That Time Again...

2009-09-25T00:41:00.004-05:00

I started thinking about Christmas tonight - even with money being tight. I thought I should make a list like I did the year before last...just in case my husband is really bored one day and checks my blog. This could also be considered my 'favorite things' post, lol. I wish I was Oprah and could give my readers one of everything :).

This Golden Key necklace from Shana Logic
This Suede wrap-around cuff
Cute hair extensions
Hearts and Gears arm warmer (or any arm warmer like this)
Camera necklace
Photo Cuff
a Sgian Dubh
a pretter Dagger
....and/or a Scottish Dirk
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand (book)
a Kindle
a new MP3 player - Love the iPod touch, lol
the chance to stay in Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater house :))
this Ring
...and/or This One, lol (thinking big)
This necklace.....fine, or this one, lol.
This book The Moment It Clicks by Joe McNally
a Wii
This Camera it looks like so much fun

Ok, that's all for now, but I'll add more as I think of it. Its 1 am here so I should probably go to bed, lol.

NIGHT!

Dream Time Again

2009-09-22T19:06:00.003-05:00

With all the strange dreams I've been having lately maybe I should start a dream blog.

So I had another dream, the night after Mr. Shaw, but I can't pick out the specifics. I know what the building looked like. It was rather old with these double wooden doors that led the way in. There was a man's name over the doorway...but for the life of me I just can not remember who he was. I think it also may have been sitting next to a ball field of some sort.
I was bounding down these stairs with some friends when I saw the music teacher from Glee, at the bottom. I called to him, knowing that he was my professor, and asked him something about the event that was going on that night. I know that at this point I was trying to connect something with the name on the door so I wouldn't forget when I woke up. He was vague enough to frustrate me and then I woke up. UGH!

Did I mention that the music teacher in Glee is HOTT? Wow!

Ahem.

I've discovered Hulu lately. I have tried and tried to find something to amuse myself and it has SO MANY SHOWS on it. I've been watching season 2 of Greek....and no, I don't have any idea why.

I realized a few nights ago that I might be smarter than I give myself credit for. I was doing research for my book/dream thing and found an article on time travel. It was very technical - and I understood every word. Seeeeee?! Watching all 10 seasons of Stargate WAS good for me :). TV does NOT rot the brain after all.

PS...my dog is a freak.

George Bernard Shaw? Seriously??

2009-09-14T13:54:00.003-05:00

Last night I had this dream where I can't remember what happened before this moment, but I was standing in a room talking to someone about a book and writing. The book was old, with a brown leather cover, gold lettering and browned pages. Just then, a man came into the room dressed from the early 20th century with a beard, glasses, hat and brown tweed suit, complete with watch chain and vest. He was very dapper.
He carried one hand inside his lapel.
I immediately knew who he was and gushed, in a very intellectual way, over him. "Mr. Shaw...its an honor to meet you." He smiled kindly and said "Thank you." I then made some comment along the lines of "I would give anything to read the early, rough drafts of your work. I bet they are truly something" and he remarked, that yes, they probably were and that he had some trouble starting out as well.

I can only think that this was a subconscious way of telling myself to take it easy and not be so hard on me. I've been working on a 'book' from a dream I had a few nights ago and I have been feeling discouraged.

Anyway, we chatted a bit longer and he gave me a hug. The thought that entered my mind was not "wow, I'm hugging George Bernard Shaw" but "Hmm, how funny, the Irishman hugging a Scot."

Now, until this morning when I googled him, I knew absolutely nothing about him. I did not know when he lived, where he was from, what he had written or looked like. All I was aware of was his name.
Imagine my surprise when the first line I read about him was that he was Irish. Holy Crap?! Then I saw his picture....same face, only in my dream it was a tad rounder, with the same beard and eyes. In the first picture on the page he is even wearing the suit that he was wearing in my dream.

This is not the first time something like this has happened to me lately. I've been having these dreams at night, so vivid and odd. Unlike other strange dreams, that I seem to have nightly, these have specific details that stick with me until morning. I wake up and google 'demeter' or 'george bernard shaw' and find things that I never thought I knew. Then, out of the blue I do random searches and find even more things that came from my dreams, I just wasn't sure what I was looking for...but I found them! All I keep asking myself is: "How do I know these things? Where is it all coming from?"

I can't believe I said that...

2009-09-05T11:46:00.003-05:00

The other night my husband called and asked if my best friend and I wanted to meet them in Springfield (them meaning Sean and her hubby) at the bar. I'll take any excuse to get out lately so I said yes. I knew that they just wanted us to drive them home, but whatever...I was getting out of the house!

We got there and I had to wait for 5 minutes for Sean to find the front door (he was kinda plastered) so he could pay the cover charge. Then he kept trying to buy me a drink but I was trying to be good so I kept declining, which I think freaked him out a little which just fueled my resolve to not drink. Anyway, he kept begging me to dance.

He can not dance...especially when drunk. Normally it would irritate the hell out of me, but it was just really funny and other people kept looking at me pushing him away and I was just waiting for one of them to intervene...but no one did. But it would have been funny if they had.

The night just went on like that: Sean and Chad drinking, talking with the other 2 guys that were there about work, Sean rubbing on me 'trying' to dance and get me to dance. Jenn and I rolled our eyes at each other and laughed when Sean rubbed the bald head of a co-worker - A LOT. The first time the guy was squatting on the floor and jumped up and back when he saw Sean coming - I nearly spit out my coke.

Anyway, back to my point. We decided that the 4 of us would get something to eat afterwards. I hadn't eaten anything all day...or I guess it was the day before since it was after midnight by this time. We had a tough time getting the guys in the door. They kept talking, smoking and puking.

Finally Jenn and I made it inside and ordered drinks. Sean finally came in and sat next to me. He asked the waitress for colors so he could color the placemat, spilled his drink - it was like dealing with a freaking toddler! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time :).

So the waitress takes our order but Sean can't decide and keeps asking everyone what he wants, and he's coloring and there is soda everywhere. I order him some chicken strips with fries (what my daughter usually gets) and he just looks at me and says 'Ok' with this silly expression. I was laughing so hard by this time and the waitress had this WTF? look on her face which nearly killed me right there. I blurted out: "I swear he's not mentally challenged!" Jenn lost it, nearly choking on her soda, and the waitress laughs and walks off. Sean is looking at me like I've lost my mind and I'm barely able to stay in my seat because I can't believe I just said that...or even had the need to say that.

The guys got up a dozen times to go outside or to the bathroom and Jenn and I just sat there laughing over how crazy everything was when we were the only two sober.

Then there was a sobriety check on the way home and Sean kept making pork comments before the cop came to our vehicle. I told him that if he said anything I was going to stab him....he behaved but pouted the entire time.

Point of this story: If things are this much fun when I don't drink, I'm never drinking again. Maybe next time I can get Sean's butt kicked. I have something to look forward to.
Just kidding.......maybe.

Obsess Much

2009-09-05T11:09:00.000-05:00

I love the feeling I get when I finish reading a book that I especially liked. Usually I've been reading for so long that my eyes need time to adjust to the world around me. My immediate vision is cloudy, dreamlike. The world seems brighter and changed somehow, more electrically charged. My mind races with thoughts of what the characters are doing next, things they may have said...

I feel that feeling now after just closing the back cover of my current obsession. Normally I'd go on, telling you the name and how much you need to read it...but I just can't. Chances are, most of the people who may read this will already have read it...that alone should give you a clue I suppose. Even now I feel silly that I picked up the book to begin with, but it just sat there on top of the printer at my friend's house, fueling my usually controllable curiosity.

The thing is, I don't read what 'everyone' reads. I'm more comfortable reading something that it seems no one has ever read, an author not yet heard of by the masses. Then, for a short while, I can live peacefully alone in my adoration of the characters or yearning to be a part of their world. I truly read to escape and be a part of something else.
I don't flock to widespread frenzy titles, like Twilight or Harry Potter, like everyone else. Perhaps its a jealous reaction that I didn't find the mysterious vampire first...I don't know.

If I 'fall in love' with the male character I don't want to hear about a thousand other women, of all ages, who claim to love him more. That, I'm certain, is a jealousy thing. I have purposely stayed away from any forums or fan club sites of the Outlander series.
For me, the characters are simply mine. They exist with me, in my mind, and mine alone.

I see that this may come off sounding a little crazy. An insane internalizing of the story.
Perhaps it is...I'm ok with that.

I like the feeling of having these people, or lives, in my brain. I have many in there: Diana Gabaldon's Jamie and Claire, Deanna Raybourn's Lady Julia and Brisbane, Ayn Rand's John Galt, Susan Kaye's Erik...among others. I think of them when I don't want to think of anything else, when I just need a distraction.

And sometimes I even think of them just because I miss them.

For now, this one story, is my 'dirty' little secret. One that I will hold close to me and ponder at will...and I will try with all I have within me to ignore anything I may hear, or see, outside of my own little bubble.

Happy Reading!

Camping is Not for the Weak

2009-08-12T19:22:00.003-05:00

So, nearly 2 weekends ago I went camping. Now, I haven't had the chance to really write about this, and this will probably be a pathetic post that won't quite convey how horrible things were...but I'm trying.

I didn't want to go, I'll admit it. I love camping...and I loved the idea of camping with our best friends. It was the addition to our 'group' that I wasn't happy with.

It. Was. Awful.

I cried, I fumed, I texted wildly to my sister in law. I felt alone and frustrated...and majorly hurt.

I got so mad in the car on the way home I surprised myself by punching the center seat/console thingy in my hubby's truck - I broke it. I didn't even know I could get that mad.

I take that back, I thought I'd seen me at my 'maddest'...I was wrong.

I will come back and post about it in a couple of days, and I should have a couple picks that shows everyone having a great time. In the meantime I'd love to hear any camping horror stories you might have. Did I mention it rained? Oh yeah.

Pen/Paper Neurosis

2009-07-27T08:15:00.002-05:00

I use to write...all. the. time. I realized today, after watching my second movie where the female lead is a journalist, that I haven't opened Microsoft Word in so long its not even in my start menu anymore. So I searched for it...and had a brief moment where I couldn't even remember what it was called. Explorer Office? Windows Office? That is so sad.

So, I'm starting a writing hour everday. An hour where I sit down in front of my computer, in front of Microsoft Word and just write. About my day, about my feelings, about the kids - just whatever comes into my head. Then, every other day or so I will switch it all to my flash drive and walk across the street so I can upload it to the internet to bore all of you with my ramblings. Perhaps there may even be something entertaining every once in a while.

And, I bought a notebook today. A beautiful, green, recycled, 3 subject, college ruled, spiral bound notebook. With sharp, dark blue lines and stark white spaces. I can not wait to fill it up.
Which brings me to something that Jenn and I were talking about yesterday. Well, laughed about actually...like hyenas...because I'm neurotic...and there is nothing funnier than me and my neurotic tendencies.

I am a collector. Not of normal things like stamps or baseball cards, although I did try collecting those things at one time. I collect paper and pens. My whole left side of my desk, that's three drawers, are FULL of notebooks, most of them only half full...and one blank piece of paper with bars intended for music notes (one of about 10 sheets that I stole from my sister when I was a kid because it was so cool).Notebooks from college, notebooks of stories that I have been working on since high school - even one notebook from jr. high full of poems about a guy I liked that liked my best friend and broke my heart after we had our first 'date' and he asked me if I would set him up with previously mentioned best friend.....

Ahem.

But, I won't just settle for any paper. I have my standards. It must be spiral bound with dark blue lines and college ruled. I don't care what the outside looks like, although I will buy a green cover over red any day, but it must meet those specifications. I would even go so far as to say this: It could have a photo of Scotland and Gerard Butler, naked, on the cover and I wouldn't buy it if it were wide rule. Why not? Because when I buy a notebook I intend to write in it and nothing inspires me more than having narrow spaces and crisp blue lines that will contrast beautifully with the ink from my pen.

Ah...pens. *sigh* Pens are my friend - yet, here we go with the standards again. It must flow smoothly, NO gel-ink pens - that scratchy gel "ink" can go to hell. It can't be very fat and fine line is always best. I like the soft finger pad things...but too squishy is not for me. I must write with it before I buy (or steal, if its at a bank) it. As with paper, when I acquire it I intend to use it and when I find a pen I love I will use it until the ink runs dry.

So, using my favorite pen, I will embark on a new journey with my new green notebook.I'll fill it with lists of things I want to accomplish in life, things I'd like to buy, things I need to do. I'll fill it with story ideas and perhaps even 'articles'. I'm sure that when its half full I will put it away like all the others and someday I'll open it and see parts of myself that are long forgotten, stories I no longer feel, and lists of things I still haven't done or bought - and I will smile. BUT it will inspire me and I'll turn to a new page and begin again.

(The old notebook from school. I also loved ABBA :))

The Ephiphany Part 2

2009-07-25T12:44:00.001-05:00

The song ended and I emerged from my car with a smile on my face and puffy eyes.
I purchased my cigs and spotted the scratch off tickets. One was called Lucky Day...so I bought it. Once inside my car I scratched away and it revealed a winning number. My heart beat as I scratched off my prize...another ticket. The laughter bubbled over again.

I tucked it away in my visor and backed out of the stall...and realized I just wasn't ready to go back home. The glowing sign of Wal-Mart beckoned from next door. Their parking lot was nearly empty. Why not?

The light inside was bright and inviting. The store was quiet...and so was I. My mind, for the first time in forever, was quiet. No screaming children, nowhere else I needed to be...just me. I wasn't even thinking of me. I just was.Wal-Mart at 1 am is a peaceful oasis, people.

After 30 minutes I left $20 lighter, but my bag was full of gifts. An outfit for my daughter, shorts for my son and pants for the hubby. Things they needed, things they would not get otherwise...and I felt great. Once I got home I laid out my items so they would be easily found in the morning and I was proud of me. Proud of me for not thinking of me - for thinking of them...and I felt like less of a half-person.

Once I stopped wallowing I realized that perhaps, I'm just me. A good song, doing something for others, a winning ticket, time alone - its all I needed to see that maybe I'm better off for not having just one thing that defines me.
Of course I'm half at everything. Being whole at everything, being that girl in the movie, would require super-human abilities.I can not be perfect - instead I need to work on just being the best at everything that I can be...which is so do-able that I think I'm going to turn up the music and clean the house...well, at least pick up all the trash :). I'll check on the kids, I'll kiss the hubby and I'll snap a few photos. I'll just be me.

The Epiphany (part 1)

2009-07-18T22:58:00.003-05:00

Last night I had an epiphany brought on by Sex and the City. I rented it out of some twisted moment of boredom, and perhaps a bit of morbid curiosity. Late at night I'll scan channels and when I find it on TBS is just can't seem to change the channel...those ladies pull me in every time. Renting it was a 'what the hell, why not' kinda moment.

I'm glad I have those moments. I cried like a baby through some parts and scared the dog with my spontaneous laughter through others.

Fear not, this post is not a movie review :)...I do have a point.

See, 'chic flicks' and I do not get along. I love them and, for a few brief minutes, feel that sense of romance/freedom/friendship afterwards. Then I crash like I'm coming down off a 3 day meth high. Bring on the tears and the feeling of inadequacy and doubt.
At 1 am this morning I began to look at my life. I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered why I wasn't a strong, independant woman - why I can't seem to hold my sh*t together. I realized that my problem is this: I'm a half person. I'm just not fully anything.

Think of it this way - those that go to college for a specific reason generally go into that field. People ask what they do and they say, "I'm a doctor/lawyer/teacher." They had a course, a path, and they followed it. Career established they move on with family and become parents. They live with cofidence.
Then you have others - those that had lives that got in the way. They don't have the same opportunities in life and often just take the job thats available to them, one that might change a hundred times before they die. They often say, "I work in an office/I flip burgers/I work at a school." Its not a set path for them and, without realizing it, are half people. Or 'not quite' people.

I'm a mom, but seriously not the best. I'm a wife/homemaker...and yet the house is in a constate state of...disaster is the best word. I'm a daughter but have a horrible relationship with my mother. I'm a photographer, yet I can't seem to get out of my comfort zone and establish myself. I'm a half of everything. THAT is my problem.

So, as I rambled and cried, driving down the road to buy more cigarettes, a song came on the radio. A song that it is impossible to be sad during - I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. I've attached it to my sidebar for your listening pleasure - but couldn't find the version I normally listen to (which is much better).
I pulled into the parking stall at the gas station and sang loud in my van - and I laughed at myself.

(to be continued) :)

Its me again...

2009-07-06T20:07:00.002-05:00

I'm taking a much-needed few minutes to log in and say hi. I'm not sure that anyone is still out there - I wouldn't blame you if you weren't. It feels like I've been gone forever and I miss blogging so much more than I thought I would.

Things have been good here. I photographed my first maternity shoot - a childhood friend and his wife. They are so adorable together! I had been soooo excited in the months leading up to the shoot. I was ready, prepared, motivated....and then I woke up that morning not able to breathe. I thought it was just a chest cold, like my husband had just got over, but I was SO wrong.

I met them at the Japanese stroll garden in Springfield (beautiful!) and felt fine until we started to walk. I couldn't breathe and I was trying to hide it from them, which made it worse. Amazingly I made it through 97 photos, 3 locations and a full setup and tear-down of my studio equipment at their home.
But I paid for it later. Turns out, I had pnuemonia. All this was on saturday, the 20th - I didn't go to the hospital until wednesday. That doctor said it was just bronchitis and that she wouldn't do an x-ray to save me money (since we don't have insurance). Apparently that was a big mistake. On friday night I was in the ER and then again on Sunday night. The doctor then wanted to admit me, but admissions woudn't let them. I wasn't 'critical' enough.

So, I paid $100 for 7 antibiotic pills that have worked...but I'm still nowhere near back to normal. I cough a LOT and can't walk more than a few feet without feeling like I'm going to pass out. BUT I'm making it.

Good news: I have not had a cigarette in 10 days!! 4th of July was hard. There were a lot of smokers there and my husband had these great smelling cigs - I begged a puff off of him, but that was it. At the moment I'm scared to smoke so its easy to stay away. Keep me in your thoughts for when I feel 100% again and really want one. I want to keep saying no.

Storm

2009-05-12T21:58:00.002-05:00

Friday was a really nasty day here in Missouri. I woke up and it was dark and windy outside - then the rain started...and then the wind. OMG the wind! I've never seen it blow like that here, it was insane!

We have a large building here in town that now has a gaping hole in the back and a few cars that were parked back there have now been totalled with cinder blocks. There were at least 2 buildings that I saw that were demolished by trees and there was also a very nice red Camaro at the college that was taken out 'movie style'. This giant tree had come down horizontally across the hood and top - completely crushed it.

Our power went out halfway through the storms and I'm assuming the tornado sirens weren't working for some reason - they used emergency vehicle sirens to alert the town to danger. I will say that I'm thankful our building has a brick wall on one side. The girls and I hid in the bathroom while I heard sirens going off - and the dog just slept on the couch.

We are looking at storms tomorrow too - I just hope they are mild...tomorrow is my photo shoot :) Wish me luck and be safe.

Time Flies

2009-05-09T16:33:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting in my BF's house on the computer. She's upstairs painting.

What?

My paint clothes are at home....What?

Yeah...I live right across the street...what of it?

Uh...Uh....they are in the washing machine....yeah, that's it.

Seriously though, I'm getting sick of painting. We primed this room the other day - all I wanted was to be rid of the lime green that covered the walls for the last 3 or so years. Lime Green! LIME! Who does that?
My eyes bled every time I saw it...and I could see it from my front door. *shivers*
I promise she is not the one who put it there...or the orange that was in her dining room (painted it 3 weeks ago). She had this crazy step-mom...seriously...she was certifiable.

Now that I think about it, it was more of a flourescent green than lime. Ugh.

As for me, I'm gearing up to do the Hooter's shoot at Harley in Springfield on wednesday. I'm nervous but super excited. Then, on the 17th, we are having the MDA Ozark Mountain Freedom ride. They are mixing things up this year. It will start in Springfield and end in Branson at the new store - I've been wanting to go there since it opened. It sits right on the river. *sigh*

If things go well I should have internet back at home in July. The sooner the better but Sean and I are trying to be a little more responsible - breaking the cycle and all that :).

2 Weeks

2009-04-24T16:11:00.004-05:00

So I've gotten this lovely notification e-mail from BlogHer remiding me I haven't posted in two weeks. First, I've got to say that I think its the most awesome idea to send those out. Sometimes I just need a kick in the butt and its like, "Hey, dork, do you realize its been 2 weeks??" And I'm all "Crap!!"

So here I am.

Been going through some crappy stuff the last week and a half. Went a day without power, ok, almost 2 days...so we decided to shut off our internet and cable. We knew we had a problem when we realized that we payed that dang internet bill every flippin' month and our electric bill was grossly overdue. Sooo....yeah. I'm not sure how long we'll be without it, but I'll update when I can from my BF's computer. She loves me so she'll put up with me moochin' off her every now and then.

Got a call yesterday from the Harley dealership my hubby works for. I've been asked to photograph the MDA and HOGS 4 Dogs rides...for the third awesome year in a row. Also - they were setting up promotional flyers and asked me if I'd like to do a photo shoot with the Hooter's girls (women? Ladies? what do I call them? you know, without demeaning them...) and a bunch of animals from the CARE shelter.

I said, "Hell Yeah!!" I'm super excited...and scared...but mostly excited beyond all reason. I'll post about it when the time comes.

Also, I will hopefully be meeting LA (from Freckled Nest) and Elsie (Red Velvet Art) tomorrow. EEEEKK!! I'm crazy excited about that too :).

I Want To Be Stuck In An Elevator With:

2009-04-03T00:06:00.002-05:00

Michael Shanks
That's Dr. Jackson on Stargate SG1. I'd love to pick his brain.

Ah, hell, who am I kidding. I want to do things to him that would make a sailor blush :). Could we please be stuck in there for a while??

My BF Jennifer
Though, I wouldn't want her there the same time as Michael. It would be a tad awkward...for her. I wouldn't even know she existed :)

My Sister, Monique
Monique and Jennifer stuck in there with me? Awesome insanity.
We would be laughing to hard to care about where we were.

This Dog Will Be The Death Of Me

2009-03-28T15:44:00.002-05:00

This photo was taken yesterday:

3 times in the last 4 days. 3 baths for this dog because of THIS!

Our across-the-street neighbors have a hole under their fence. Chance can wiggle his way under it to play with the large dog they have. Large dog is kept in a 'dirt' yard...and its been raining for the last 4 days. Dirt yard has become MUD yard and Chance is loving it.

I am not.

UGH, and this photo was taken today (I am not amused):

Yes, that's right, another bath. He looked 10 times worse than he did yesterday.
It used to be that he would fight to get out of the tub and as soon as it was over he'd be out and shaking running around the house like a mad man.
Now...he just stands there with this UGH look on his face, head hanging low.
You'd think he'd quit going to the neighbor's and getting muddy.

Omg he is so mad at me. He wouldn't look at me or come out from under the chair.

Peter Pan brings me back

2009-03-28T13:14:00.002-05:00

So, the 'artwork' they found has nothing to do with my memory - we'll have to work around that.

When I was a kid my sister took me to a book store - it was the first time I'd ever been to one. I had always been an avid reader - and I read things like The Odessey. I loved fairy tales.
But, my favorite story was Peter Pan. Not the Disney version - the real story. It was beautiful and kinda dark and a little romantic.
I found my favorite story in a beautiful hard-bound book. It had green fabric cover and a green ribbon I could use to hold my place. The only artwork on the cover was a small square with a beautiful black & white drawing.
I cherished that book - and the Fairy Tale and Aesop's Fables that followed it (in the same style binding)...until they were stolen. I've yet to find their replacements.

Sound of Silence

2009-03-28T00:53:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting at my desk, catching up on the internet 'homes' of extended family. I realized, moments ago, that the house is silent inside - except for the chorus of snores I hear from the dog and my hubby. The back door is open and rain is falling.

Its serene and my mind is at peace - a place it has not been for a while.

I know I should be in bed, but I know that I will sleep and wake up in the morning to noise. The dog scratching at the back door to be let out, my daughter whining that she wants bread with butter, my stomach growling, possibly the phone ringing and Disney channel preschool shows. I'm just not ready for that yet.

I want to let this silence, this feeling of peace, to soak my soul. I want to wake up in the morning with it dripping off of me (and hopefully onto my children).

I want this peace to be present amidst the chaos.

I demand Green M&M's

2009-03-27T23:26:00.002-05:00

I joined this website today, called Plinky, where they send you prompts. Hopefully it will get me writing again :).

Today's prompt is 'Give Us Your Unreasonable Demands'

Green M&M's
They DO taste the best.

Michael Shanks
He must wear his SG1 uniform.

All expense paid trip to Scotland

Rant

2009-03-07T10:37:00.002-06:00

Be warned...this is a rant/self-pity kinda post. I've got so much on my mind right now and this is really the only place that I can voice that.

A few weeks ago I was on top of the world, believing that great things were ahead. Now - I'm back to wanting to sleep, not caring about the house or my weight, and thinking there is no way out of this mess. I can't seem to focus for very long and I've been smoking and drinking so much soda that I'm just a wheezing bum.

I put off ordering the postcards to send to realtor's...and now I'm back to wondering when I'm going to have the available funds. I DO have the lens to take care of business though :).

I have a ton of people that follow me, and that I follow on twitter. At first I thought it was great - now its just depressing the hell out of me. Every other tweet is about their next client, or shoot...I'm happy for them. How can I not be? Its just that I wish I had something great to tweet about.

Yeah, I know, this is all ridiculous. I sit and whine, yet do nothing about it.

That's just it...I don't know what to do. I have no motivation - and when I do, I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to do next...and the fear of failure is crippling.

I nearly got my butt kicked the other day. (Changing the subject because I'm THAT sick of myself right now.) So, these kids tried to steal my dog. The kids I watch said they'd tried to tell them that they were taking our dog, but those snotty brats just laughed. I stormed out the back door and ALLLL the way across the backyard. Nearly a block down was this disgusting trailer, and a kid (that everyone claimed was a girl) the size of a linebacker, with my Chance - with a rope wrapped around his neck. I yelled that it was my dog and they needed to bring him back NOW!. Linebacker carried him towards us, unwinding the rope, claiming that they found him in their backyard. I mumbled "not likely", but said 'Well, he's ours. Isaac, get your dog."
That was it. We got him and walked back home while I talked to the landlord's boyfriend about it.
About an hour later the landlord's boyfriend knocked on our door and informed me I came just a few apartment doors away from getting a butt whooping. Apparently, the linebacker told its mother that I had cussed out and threatened he/she/it. LB said he told her that he's never heard me cuss before and knew that I hadn't acted that way because he'd seen everything.
Me? I was just kinda hoping she had knocked on the door.
I've been in THAT kinda mood lately. To be more precise: the "not-in-the-mood" mood.

Ever seen the Tim Robbins/Martin Lawrence movie where TR thinks his wife is cheating on him and ML tries to steal his car but instead TR kinda flips out with this "Oh you're gonna mess with me? No, I'm gonna mess with you!!" attitude? Yeah...if you have you know what I mean...that is totally me.

~My neice took off her diaper the other day and got poop all over my floor. Good times.
~I searched for my shoes yesterday so I could get to the bank before it closed. Yelled to see if my son had seen them. What was his response? "Am I gonna be in trouble?"
~My shoes, the only pair I really have, are outside drying out so I can bring them in and get the mud off of them.
~I've watched Madagascar 2 and Ariel's Beginning 5 times each in the last 2 days.
~Spongebob is starting to make perfect sense.
~My husband keeps ordering horrible movies off Netflix. If you want to watch the Vietnam war, come on over. Or, poorly made movies with bad acting that sound great in theory, but no one has ever heard of before....for GOOD REASON!
~I've been stuck on K for my 365 self portrait project for 3 days - and this time I know what I want to do - I just haven't done it...because I'm lazy.
~I've called myself a 'douche' at least 10 times in the last few days (thanks Sarcastic Mom for introducing me to the term, in relevance to a human being, lol)

Well...its out there. I'm done for now...and I do feel a little better. Instead of swirling inside my head these things can now swirl around the internet. Well...as far as one person perhaps. Who knows, lol.
Congratulations if you made it this far :)

Monday's Inquiring Minds (a day late)

2009-03-03T13:52:00.004-06:00

I HAD to join in on this meme - even if I might be a day late. Bottles, Barbies and Boys is doing memes on real women and this one is about "Show off your doted Foo-Foo". Seriously...I'm joining because of the pic of her hubby with the feather boa and tiny bow in his hair...Priceless!

My pics weren't taken today - but they do show me dressing up my Foo-Foo's :).

Foo-Foo #1 - Chance (aka Chancers and Mr. Muggles)

See! He loves his outfit so much he couldn't even look at the camera when I took his picture. I'm sure he felt he would strike people dead with his supreme cuteness. *snort*

Foo-Foo's 2 and 3 - Isaac and Lylli

When you live with a Princess and a Superhero, you must dress them appropriately. (minus the Crocs...I did not give him those....)

and finally, the Ultimate Foo-Foo - Sean (aka The Hubs)

There is no better way to dress up this Spanish foo-foo than with a kilt and renaissance shirt :). (Ok..so maybe this one was strictly for me :))

I'm an Endangered Species??!

2009-02-27T11:38:00.003-06:00

I found this article today and it made me laugh and sad at the same time. Can you imagine a world without redheads?? The Horror!!

Here are a couple quotes from the article that I really liked:

"A common myth has it that redheads have hot tempers. (That one really infuriates me.) Many people believe red-haired women are wild between the sheets. (My husband is not one of them.) Others believe redheads should answer to witty nicknames like "Red," "Carrot Top" and "Peppermint Patty" (mine). In some societies, the term "redhead" is synonymous with hard-headedness, even being mentally challenged. And all this is considered politically correct."

Now, the hot temper thing? Definately applies to me. Um, the sheets thing - not touching that...BUT, I am pretty imaginative, lol. As for the nicknames, I never really had to deal with it. My hair was not your classic 'Red'...meaning flaming orange. I have dark red, nearly Auburn hair. As far as hard-headedness goes...I'm completely redhead in that way. I'm one of the most hard-headed people I know.

"The redhead sprang from a mutated gene in Europe thousands of years ago. Yes, redheads are mutants, like comic book heroes—except without superpowers. Maybe that's why nobody has proposed a plan to save the redhead. We don't even count as an endangered species. If redheads were as adorable as pandas, scientists would select a male and female and house them in a habitat, such as an Irish pub, that would encourage mating. "

Bwahahahahaha!! I knew it!! I LOVE being a mutant :).

This comment hit home with me too: "It's interesting to note (...) that being a red-head is a part of our identity. Do blondes and brunettes suffer that same loss of identity when their color fades away? Do they have the same loyalty to the color of their hair? I think not. I'm guessing very few redheads color their hair until their hair starts to lose its red.
Posted by Rebekah on February 7,2009 06:44PM"

Now that I have a few gray's poking through I've been thinking that I might color it - but then again, I'm one of those crazy people who thinks that leaving it as is would be beautiful. I love my gray hair, I'm proud of it - I earned it, dangit. IF I do ever color it, I'll definately wait until the original color is gone - and I'll go crazy...Like Pink :)

Lyllian in B&W - for i Heart Faces

2009-02-23T18:10:00.003-06:00

This week's catagory is "Black and White."
Be sure to head on over to http://www.iheartfaces.com/ to check out all of the beautiful face entries this week!

Hello Again

2009-02-14T13:44:00.004-06:00

Wow...its been a while. I guess, I just kinda needed a break for a while, you know?

So, I'm back (you can party now, lol). I wanted to share with you something I've been thinking about/drooling about lately. I got my IKEA catalog and decided to furnish my 'someday' photo studio with all of their products. Here is just a smidge of what I have in store when the day comes.

The Long Hard Road

2009-01-13T12:13:00.003-06:00

This is my sister and her (new!) fiance:

I had so many more pictures I would have liked to put with this post - but I can't find them. Either my mom has them or they are in the box I can't reach...ugh. Anyway.

In short, my sister is amazing. There is so much about her life I can't tell you, but I can say that its been difficult. Wrong paths taken, the right ones missed by mere moments. But there are wonderful things I can tell you about her.
I've been inspired by her my entire life. She's the most creative person I know - she can sing...and would take your breath away to hear her. She is an actress and I've only missed a few of her plays - but not by choice I can assure you. She'd let me tag along, when she was in college, to all of the homecoming-type activities (Montevallo, AL - Go Purple!) and let me interact with all her awesome, artsy, drama friends. She never made me feel like an outsider. Did I mention that she won best actress more than once in college??
To meet her is to love her. Period.

Over the last 12 years, or so, I haven't seen much of her - and felt that missing part of me constantly. Every time I saw her, for only a few days at a time, I saw something different about her. I knew, though she tried to hide it, that she was sad. Her life was not what she had intended (or what she was meant for). When we are young we think we have all the time in the world, but at some point it hits us that we are running out of time and their may not be any left to fix things. I think she just went through 10 years of realizing it, day by day.
A couple of months ago I saw her for the first time in 3 years - and for once she looked over than the constant 30 that I had in my head. (Ok, that seems old**...but you'd have to know me, lol. For years she was always 26...then the shock came when someone mentioned she was turning 30 and that has where she has stayed in my mind for the last 10 years. Um...sorry Mo :))
Her life was draining her - pushing her to the limits of human capabilities.

She has since left it behind. For hope, for a future...and has someone that she can truly share it with.

She and Jeff dated in high school (and a little beyond) but things ended in a fight...which DOES happen, lol. For 16 years they both led lives that were personally taxing.

But now - They are finally together again (much to the relief and sheer happiness of all their family and friends) and will be getting married January 31st. (I'd also like to mention that this is my first wedding gig...can anyone say EXCITED!?!)

** was reading over this and realized that I made 30 look old - but I'm nearly 30 now myself, so please don't misunderstand. Just to a woman, most of us always want to look 25, you know? Am I making it worse? lol

iHeartFaces - Kids contest

2009-01-11T23:17:00.000-06:00

This is my first entry into the iHeartFaces contest. I'm glad I came across their new site :)

I'm entering this photo of my neice. She is such a ham.

Honey, Our Nerd is Showing

2009-01-05T23:59:00.003-06:00

My husband and I are HUGE Stargate fans - SG1 and Atlantis. Our best friends are not and think we are total nerds for being so into it.

Example 1:
While walking over to Jenn and Chad's house for dinner one night, and after Sean found my Christmas gift from my mother - an ion ashtray that he dubbed 'the spaceship'. This convo is about that spaceship.

Sean: I was afraid to use it, I thought maybe I'd disappear or something.
Me: Ooh, or get sent to a (crap, can't think of the term now, grr) 'parallel space' like in Stargate.
Sean: Yeah! Exactly. That whole 'can't eat or drink' thing would suck though.
Me: but you could sit in a room and do rude things and no one would ever know.
(ok, there was more to this but I started to remember when I started typing and..well, its just probably not appropriate....moving on :))

Example 2:
The other day Chad bought a HUGE remote from Walgreens. You know, the remote that you have to hold with both hands? Yeah. Anyway, Jenn was changing channels and Sean made a comment that made them question our sanity.

Sean: Its like your dialing a Stargate.
Jenn: Blank look and raised eyebrow that said, What the hell? (I totally know that's what she was thinking, lol)
Sean: You know, cause your having to use your fingers...
Me: (cause it wasn't bad enough already) There are these really huge buttons on the console thingy and you have to dial like this (started one-finger typing imaginary keys).
Now Jenn and Chad are looking at us like we've lost it. They don't say a word.
Me: (while Sean is still going on trying to explain it) Stop honey, our nerd is showing.

Tonight we practically did a happy dance in their kitchen when Sean checked Netflix and saw that the first 3 disks of season 2 of Stargate: Atlantis will be here tomorrow.

We ARE total nerds :).

Thank God its 2009!

2009-01-01T23:34:00.004-06:00

Wow, I have so much I want to say and I'm just realizing that I need to probably make it more than one post.

This year, this glorious year, is going to be my best yet. I vow to live with intent - in everything I do.

Things I plan to do this year:

Quit smoking by Dec. 31st
Stop biting my nails...again.
Lose at least 50 lbs
Exercise daily
Reduce soda consumption - wean off completely would be the best.
Complete my NEW 365 days project*
Set monthly goals for myself, courtesy of Listography
Ride in a freakin' helicopter already :)
Um...stop saying "freakin'"....and all the other bad words that have crept in over the last few years
Honestly and truly get my photography business off the ground.
Let my inner me, OUT.

I KNOW it will not be easy. I stand firm that these are not 'resolutions'. They are goals, they are intent, and they are things I know I MUST do. I can not allow myself to let my life pass me by, and my mind beat me down. I am taking control of this here vehicle - come along for the ride :).

*In 2007 I started a 365...and still had not finished it. I didn't want to drag anything with me into 2009 (that I had a choice about) that I would only allow to defeat me. It was time to let it go and realize that instead of helping me, it was only dragging me down further. NO MORE!

54 Things - and counting

2008-12-30T22:48:00.004-06:00

Got my inspiration from this guy.

My dream car is a red Mini Cooper with the Royal Standard of Scotland (flag) on top.
I wish I were a famous photographer.
My second passion is architecture.
I collect pens/paper.
I dream in color, can feel and smell things, and wonder if they were real once I've woken up.
However, I can rarely read things in my dreams and I wake up if I try.
I think my fictional world is real.
I have fallen in love with characters in movies.
Men in kid's shows are my weakness: Half of the Imagination Movers (though I could add one because of his amazing voice) Steve from Blue's Clues, etc.
I trust the Bible.
I can't swim.
You wouldn't have to pay me anything to kiss Gerard Butler, Dwayne Johnson (the Rock), Robert Downey Jr. or Angelina Jolie (yes I went there, lol. Don't judge me :))
I do not 'feel' like a fat person and I think that is why I have such an issue with it. I'm fine until I get a glimpse of my reflection..and it shocks me every time.
I hate being tickled.
I do feel as though Eilidh (a fictional character I created for myself when I was a child) lives inside me. She is who I strive to be.
I would prefer to live in the SCA and visit reality on the weekends.
Looking up at the stars on a clear night in the middle of nowhere gets me ever time.
I no longer trust the news - Journalists are no longer biased. Period.
We all wear masks.
A pink elephant lives in my living room and I can't wait for the day when someone walks in, sees it, and laughs because they get it.
Robin Laing (Scottish folk singer) is my energy.
I have a serious addiction to guys with facial hair (well groomed, not long crazy beards).
I have a serious addiction to guys who are intelligent.
I had a serious aversion to lettuce for most of my life.
I miss a friend who changed my life - and how I saw myself.
I get possessive over characters in my favorite books - and I will not read the things other people say (because I don't like to share, lol).
I live for museums.
I am a deep person - but I believe no one really knows that about me.
I fear that there is no one on this Earth that really knows me - including myself.
Most of the time I'm quiet because I don't want to look stupid.
Other times I'm quiet because I hate confrontation.
I hold things in until I explode. (just ask my music blaring, Techno-Twin neighbors. They've heard me a lot lately.)
I no long have the ability to hide my emotions - and I miss it.
When I was young people use to tell me I was 'old' for my age - I wish I still heard that.
What I long for the most - I know I will never have....and I choose not to think about it because it only hurts when I do. (and it can not be bought)
A complete stranger once took my photo in a Lowe's. I wish often that I could see it.
I wish I had the nerve to take photos of strangers in Lowe's :).
I do not believe in stem cell research.
Music makes me soar.
I love to sing.
I 'lived' at a theme park as a child. (Shepherd of the Hills, Branson, MO)
I wear two pendants that I will never take off - my celtic knot and a crescent moon.
It takes a while to get to know me.
I am often quiet because I'm watching...and in watching I learn more about people than they realize.
I have super hearing - lately I don't want it.
I'm addicted to The Sims - because I get to design buildings...and furnish rooms.
I would prefer to be told the truth at all times and confronted when necessary.
I will not associate with fakers.
I don't trust skinny guys.
I love being a mother - but I feel so out of my league.
Friends are the most important part of our existence.
When I admire someone I try too hard to impress them - because I want them to like me too.
I have always looked up to my sister - and her approval means the world to me.

Caught

2008-12-30T21:58:00.002-06:00

Here I was, sitting at the hubby's computer and minding my own business. I had a fresh image of my dog twisted at odd angles in a chair, trying to lick the remaining food off of my daughter's plate.

Then, my husband says, "Make him get down."

I turn around to see this:

I nearly peed myself (I say that a lot - I have 2 kids...what can I say?). He was slurping and dripping milk EVERYWHERE!

See?

And then he got his head stuck. Greed CAN do that to a body. (Or is it gluttony?)

Inappropriate Christmas Fun

2008-12-27T02:10:00.004-06:00

In an effort to avoid my bedroom, complete with diseased husband, I decided to jot up a quick post about the Christmas conversation I referenced in my last post. It was just so...inappropriate...for Christmas - and I didn't want to forget it.

The scene: A room with my brother, his wife, the hubby, my mom, my 16 year old neice and her boyfriend and my childhood-pastor's...um...wife. (I don't think it'd be right for me to explain the 'um' there...but they are not currently in harmony....). Then we were later joined by my sister and her new fiance (!!!).
Moving on:

Dennie (my SIL) telling me she feels sorry for the abuse I suffer (because of my husband's insanity, lol). She named them off: Physical, mental, emotional. They tried to think of more when my husband threw in Aromatically (cuz yes, he really does abuse me with his funk...often). Dennie thought he said Romantically - and the teenage boyfriend nearly passed out from embarassment. Especially when his potentional mother-in-law made us all realize that being abused romantically may not be all bad.
I don't know how this one came up, but my sister asked about my gimp mask. I had NO clue what she meant - but, you know...had an idea. Cuz she's my sister - and she's funny like that. Wait. Like funny ha-ha......you know? Anyway, I didn't miss a beat in telling her that it was on backorder. And then my mother nearly died of embarassment.
Drugs. Dennie had a headache and was in search of something to take care of it - and it led us down a very disturbing road. Especially when we all started sharing what pretty pills we had with us. Valium, Cymbalta, Darvocet, Percocet. Apparently we are a group of pharmecists...then we realized what a financial opportunity we had. We decided that the street name for stool softeners is Grease Lightening.
Dennie took a valium. Through all the laughter I remember someone saying we should slip her some Grease Lightning and how she would shut down and crap in her sleep. My sister "She wake up and be all, 'I dreamed I was making snow angels". Me "Poo Angels!! And then the Neice and her boyfriend bolted.

Ahhh, Good times, good times. There was also a lot of other topics (like lesbians, small town rumors, and the fact that my mother is deaf and can't remember anything)...but, I probably shouldn't talk about those things :).

Hope your Christmas was as inappropriate as mine :)

THIS was Christmas :)

2008-12-26T14:28:00.002-06:00

Wow, what an amazing day we had yesterday. I thought I'd throw in a few photos before I get the rest downloaded.
First - my son LOVES him some moon sand :)

Lylli got some new jeans from K-mart (thank God for a great Clearance sale. She needed these SO bad...and she is just adorable in them :))

My babies together by the tree.

After we opened presents we went to our extended Framily's house (friends/family). This is a shot of Lylli with bows in her hair. I hadn't done this in a while and I am so glad I did...isn't she just a doll??

Then, after we went there we drove out to my brother's house to see him and his family. He got out his guitar and played for us a bit. Then Becky, a friend of the family since I was a kid, showed up. Totally inappropriate Christmas conversation followed and we laughed until we all nearly peed on the couch due to our old age.

My sis and her new Fiance!!! Jeff arrived and even more (worse?) inappropriate conversation came around. I haven't laughed that hard in a while :)

Keys to Christmas

2008-12-18T16:16:00.004-06:00

My family was given a great gift today and as I rode with Jennifer to acquire it, I commented that I felt as if I'd been given keys to the city. Today I recieved my own Christmas miracle.

Part of my not being around lately was a deep sadness that I didn't want to talk about. I was afraid that if I sat down and thought about truly blogging my life I would only end up with a 'poor me' post and, frankly, there have been enopugh of those. BUT, since the circimstances have changed I'd like to tell you all about it.
I will not deny that times are hard for most of America (and other parts of the world, I know)...but when its something you are personally dealing with it can seem that you are alone in you pain.

For two months I've hoped that Christmas wouldn't be as depressing as it looked. Bills were barely being paid, food barely kept in the cabinets. The kids desperately needed warm coats.
I looked at December's money/bill ratio and I plummeted with the fact that we would not have money to buy any presents at all for Christmas. Now, I know that Christmas is not all about presents. I've tried to relay that to my kids - despite what all of the shows on tv this time of year are telling them.
I asked Isaac - "If you only got one thing for Christmas...what would you want?" He said, "I'd really like that ATV game for playstation...but if you didn't have enough money for that I'd take a bike." That moment broke my heart a little. I should never have to hear my child think that way.
I've fought with myself over telling Isaac the truth about Santa. I just don't want him waking up on Christmas morning thinking that he'd been bad or that Santa didn't care about him - under those circumstances I'd rather him be mad at me.
This is the first year for Lylli to truly be excited about the holiday. She understands Santa - thanks to Disney channel and their never ending supply of Christmas themed episodes.

When I knew that there was no way to give them something on Christmas morning I contacted Toys for Tots. I had remembered one year, when I was about 12, that I went with my father to a party where I was given a cute purse and a few other things. We'd had a rough year and my father did what he could to provide a good christmas - now I understand.
So, 2 weeks ago I realized that its ok to ask for help. I knew that there were kids out there in far worse circumstances who deserved it - but I also know my circumstances and my children and that they deserve to be able to go to school when it resumes and join in the conversation when other kids are talking about what they got for Christmas.
Finally, yesterday a Sgt e-mailed me back and then called us. He asked no questions - just gave me the directions to the warehouse and said to come as quickly as I could.
I expected a present each - just one thing for them to open. I nearly cried when the cute guy in uniform told me I could pick out 3 presents each. He asked no question other than how old the kids were and pointed me to the right piles with a smile on his face.

Its funny - I felt greedy looking at those gifts. I kept looking at the smallest things I could find - had it not been for Jenn being with me I probably would have left with a few cars and a few ponies, lol.
We are so blessed.

I don't know whether the men watching over the toys fully understand what they are doing - what they are offering to these families. I pray they do.
I pray that every family that donated this year fully understands. Yes, they are giving kids presents on Christmas...but they are giving parents hope. I'm excited to put the tree up now - to decorate the house.
I get to feel like I provided something to my kids - and that is a big deal. But I know that I have not done this on my own. Thank you to the family(s) in or around Springfield, MO who bought the puppy with the cute pink carrier, the Crayola light-up color pad, the dinosaur moon sand, the helicopter, the fuzzy pink and plastic phone and the Barbie tea set.

This year, I KNOW there is a Santa. He isn't the Santa that I grew up with - no, he's Virginia's Santa. He exists in the people who have and choose to give. Thank you.

And thank you to the Marines for giving those people a chance to help.

Silver Dollar City

2008-12-15T00:45:00.002-06:00

Today was one of those awesome days that come around not nearly often enough.
Jenn and Chad had extra tickets to SDC (in Branson, MO) and were groovy enough to share them with us. Isaac had only been once (when Lylli was still a very small baby) and it had rained all day. I was afraid today would be the same, but the weather actually held off for us until we were in line for the shuttle back to our cars. Then we were smacked with ice pellets and brutal wind.
For the rest of the day - it was heavenly. Absolutely wonderful weather for a December day :).

I thought I'd throw in a couple pics from today. (If you ever get a chance to visit Silver Dollar City - take it. Its really fun :))

Oh - and SDC was my first job ever. I started working there on my 15th birthday, in a lease shop (not owned by the City) that sold rock/wire jewelry. I LOVED it there and lost so much weight each summer that I looked like a total hottie for the winter months in between, lol.

Ok, on with the pics:

I have no idea what Lylli was looking at or why Ike is smiling like that, lol. I swear they were having fun, lol :).

Bwahahahahahahaha

2008-12-13T16:28:00.002-06:00

Hahahahaha....

(if you can't read it, it says "Your life is pathetic!" Then "Who are you to judge?" and finally (*giggle snort*) "A religious follower of your twitter feed."

Bwahahahahaha

Hehehehe.....

2008-12-13T15:21:00.001-06:00

You know that post I mentioned....the one about my sister? Yeah, the one I was gonna write today?

Well, its still coming. The more I thought about it the more I really wanted to throw in a couple old pictures for fun (*coughToEmbarasscough*). I gotta scan them...so bear with me, k?

Yeah...I should have thought it all out before now, I know :).

Busy Since Thanksgiving

2008-12-12T11:16:00.002-06:00

I came here to check things out and realized its been since Thanksgiving that I've posted. Normally I'd go on about depression or something...but its honestly been that I was busy. Its just been crazy here.

I plan to blog about my sis tomorrow.
I will blog on Monday - it will be venting...you've been warned, lol.
Tuesday........crap...I have no idea, but there will be something.

As for today I just wanted to catch up a little bit. But first - I need to make an observation or two.

**Have you realized that all the kid cartoon characters' voices are getting deeper? Either they have new voice talent or these kids are kinda getting old.
**Nothing is better for breakfast than tortilla chips and a dip made of Hormel Chili and Velveeta cheese (to both of these companies, I know you appreciate the plug so I'd gladly accept a lifetime supply of each. Thank you.)
**Is Dora crazy...or just lazy? I mean, its her mission, why is she always asking me to get up and help her out....and does she really think that tv works that way? I love watching her do it without my help. That and, when she tells us to yell something for her, my daughter just looks at her and raises and eyebrow like "Why?" Personally I think we'd both just like to see what will happen if we don't.
**I've obviously been watching WAY too much tv.
**The 'Dark Knight' was totally better watching it a second time.
**I'm addicted to Stargate - thank God for Netflix
**If its not polite to double-dip then why do they make tortilla chips so freakin' big?
**I get protective over weird things - like the bowling ball I've picked out at the alley or my seat in the van. I get the front seat, dangit. Don't try to take it from me - I cut you.

And..in a round-about way that kinda describes what my life has been like, lol. Eating nachos, watching tv, and fighting mentally with the person who thinks she can take my seat.

How have you been?

Sunset on a Thankful Day

2008-11-27T19:37:00.001-06:00

I'm thankful for moments like this. And, for a husband who will pull over and let me catch it...and to 2 tired kids for not screaming when the van stopped for a moment on the way home :).

2008-11-26T23:39:00.002-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone from my family. We will be gone tomorrow to see Sean's parents and sister. I'm not really sure when I will get back, but if I can I will post my horribly belated answer for hypothetical thursday.

Eat well, enjoy your families and friends, and stay safe.

Admission - Its Time

2008-11-18T22:36:00.004-06:00

Ok, everyone. I've had enough. Enough of telling myself things I don't need to hear. Enough of others telling me things that are true - but the truth is painful. Enough of sitting on my arse, knowing that there is so much more I need to do.

I've had enough of the hiding behind a computer screen.

A friend (on flickr, HI TRISH :)) and I were talking a few weeks ago about wanting to get back into taking photos again - mainly self-portraits. I just got so sick of seeing my photos change...for the worse...that I stopped entirely there for a while. I had planned twice, TWICE, for my 365 photos to reflect me getting smaller and both times I failed. Miserably. For example:

Me starting out -

Me now -

Yeah...the double chin? Definately larger. The distance from ear to ear? Definately wider. NOT the way I wanted it....AT ALL.

Then, today I took my mother to the doctor and on the way home we had one of our usual fights. Which means I got to hear all the things that I SHOULD be doing and "Do you want to be that 1,000 lb man??" for the second time. All I could think was "OMG, do I really look THAT bad??".
And yes, I actually thought the double question marks. That's what years of using the computer has done to me. LOL.

So tonight I stopped by Wal-Mart and bought my FIRST scale. Yes, the first one that I, personally, have ever owned. I'll be honest - I bought the one with the highest weight limit on it...because I thought I needed to. For a year I would have sworn that I weighed about 350.

Turns out I only needed the one that was a step down. Now, my admission and partial reason for this post - it read 324.2. Yes - I'm quite large. I know...BUT its not as bad as I thought. Why am I admitting this to the world? Well, for one, I'm insane. 2 - I needed to.
Then, Sean and I were talking about it and I told him not to buy me the large soda I usually get. THEN I realized just how much soda I drink on a "good" day - 3 44oz sodas. That's 132 FREAKING OUNCES!!! Holy Crap, that's like a GALLON of SODA...A DAY.
And then I started crying.
And then I decided to write this post.

THEN I decided to create a weight-loss blog for me and my friend (friends, if anyone else would like to share the journey)...but I can't think of a name. SO, if you made it this far and can still think after all the yelling I've done in this post, I'd like your help. Please, I'm begging you, help me think of a name. Just leave it in the comment - I will love your forever, lol.
So far I've thought of: Reaching Higher and Stepping Up...but I want to hear your ideas.

Do I need to grovel? Cuz I totally would :).

Hypothetical Thursday #5

2008-11-13T08:00:00.000-06:00

Last week's question (we'll pretend I didn't miss a week in there, k? lol): Let's say there was a Seer who could 100% tell you when you were going to die and how, would you want to know?

You said:

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...
No. I wouldn't. Doesn't that sort of take the fun out of life?(Thanks for stopping by and playing along :))

In my opinion, it absolutely does. Now, if I had the chance to change the course of death it might be a different story. I'd rather die peacefully when I'm old than in a fiery crash while I'm young. BUT if it could not be changed no matter what, I'd worry about it too much - it would completely take me over. I'd rather live with hopes and dreams for the future instead of knowing exactly what the future holds for me.

This week's question: If you could be any animal what would it be?

I'd Forgotten

2008-11-11T15:36:00.003-06:00

I forgot the most annoying thing comes standard when you acquire a new puppy - ADD.

He goes outside and EVERYTHING is a distraction. He must sniff every blade of grass, he must chase every leaf that falls, he must sniff every animal (and all 'pieces' of them they leave behind) - no stone can be left unturned (or peed on). He also must introduce every spare stick and walnut to my living room floor. (I just spelled floor - flore. What is wrong with me?)

For the record - and keep all the previous paragraph in mind - this is my back yard: (and this is only MY half of the yard)

This is the big-A$$ tree in my backyard...see how devoid of leaves it is?:

He does love it though...and its cute when his ears go back when he runs, lol.

Delayed Hypothetical Thursday post

2008-11-09T23:40:00.001-06:00

Something has come up. Things have been crazy and I wasn't able to do the Thursday post on time. I'm going to just skip it this week and will do it this Thursday instead. Grrr is all I can say, lol.

Hypothetical Thursday #4

2008-11-02T19:48:00.002-06:00

First - you have all been deceived. Today is actually Thursday which means tomorrow is your Friday. You can thank me later.

Now, moving on...Last week I asked the question: If you could have any super power, what would it be (and what would you do with it first)?

Here are your responses:
Anonymous said...
I would want the super power of healing and would heal my mother of cancer. Tonya (I never would have thought of that - amazing...and I am praying for your mom and family, Tonya.)

My Life My Life My Life said...
Mine wouldnt be really a power... ummmm I would make an extra hour in the day just to BE and enjoy life at any given moment through the day. Seems like those precious moments are gone before you know it and you wonder what the heck happened to it. (Amen!!)

Bri said...
Sorry, I forgot to comment when I read this last week! I've always wanted to have the orbing power from "Charmed". Did you ever watch that show? Think of how useful that would be! I could orb my laundry down to the basement, orb my trash out to the dumpster and orb messes into a closet if unexpected guests show up! ;) Mostly, though, I think it would be great to be able to travel that way. Just think of all the places you could see if you didn't have to pay for airfare and could still sleep in your own bed!! ;) (OMG, that would totally rock!! I've never watched a full episode of the show - but I am definately on board with that power, lol)

As for my answer - which took me forever to figure out and might be one reason this one is late - would be the power to fly. Why? Because I'm terrified of it. Mainly because I can't control it. In the plane you have a pilot you don't know, you've never talked to, and know absolutely nothing about (including whether or not he's sober). At least I know if I'm sober, if I got scared I could just land myself and try again - see what I mean? (Yeah, it probably does sound like gibberish - its been a weird couple of days and I'm finding it hard to form coherent sentences :))

For this weeks question I wanted to do something a bit harder and I found a question by Nathan Bransford on his blog. I've modified it to fit anyone. Have fun!! Question: Let's say there was a Seer who could 100% tell you when you were going to die and how, would you want to know?

Halloween!

2008-11-01T00:55:00.003-05:00

I know that Hypothetical Thursday is late...I'll do that first thing in the morning. This has been such a weird week and I'm suffering from puppy brain :).

I thought I'd share a few pics from tonight:

This year I decided to dress up - as what I had no idea. Unfortunately, most costumes don't come in my size so I was limited to the neck up and a mask was out of the question. With the way I sweat? Yeah...right.
Obviously I decided to go with Originality. I had envisioned my makeup looking much cooler and close to that from the last movie - I ended up looking like Jack's version. Oh well, it was fun anyway.
Yes I still have green hair - and I'm going to bed with it that way...I like it so much I'm not sure when I'll get around to washing it out. (just kidding - its so stiff I expect rats to make a nest out of it in the middle of the night.)

Ike never was sure what he wanted to be for Halloween - even after I had bought the costume he told me to buy. Lylli, on the other hand, knew way back in September when she first saw the dress in Wal-Mart. OMG - its been in her closet for 2 weeks and EVERY FREAKING DAY I've had to hear about it. I'm so glad Halloween is over so it can become her attire for the next year. Hey, it means less dirty laundry for me :).

From the day we got him - I think minutes after Sean walked in the door - I knew I had to get Chance a costume. I was thinking something a little...well, more - but Sean and the kids picked this out and it actually turned out to be a hit.It has a hat to go with it, but he was having NONE of that. Watching him try to bite it off was the funniest thing ever though - and the rider got it at least once during the night.
You can't see it that well, but its a saddle with a cowboy on it.

Another Introduction: Chance

2008-10-29T15:00:00.002-05:00

Oh gosh, I have more amazing news. Sean and I have wanted to add to our family for a long time - something small and cuddly. We've held off for various reasons and Sean just didn't seem like he was into it.

UNTIL - Last night Sean came in as I was on my way out to take Ike to his parent-teacher conference (you don't want to know - but good thing is my son is a spelling genius...like is mother, lol). He was covered in dog hair. I assumed it was from the dog's at his work but asked him anyway and he said "Our dog." Yeah...it took me a second to catch on. I started to flip out with the excitement and was a little nervous to what he was getting out of the truck. Then I saw this face:

Love at first sight people - seriously. He just cuddled up in my arms like he's known me forever *gush gush*.

After Ike and I got back, the family drove out to Wal-Mart to get the needed supplies and argued over what his name should be - Isaac went through every boy name he's ever known from school and finally we decided on Chance. Like: This is his second chance.

Apparently, someone Sean knows through work just found him wandering around their neighborhood - and its getting cold out there.

Sean loves him - and its definately mutual. He loves just curling up in Sean's lap and sleeping.

(though he's not sleeping in this pic - he saw the camera and just sat up and posed for me *more gushing*) Then after photos were done he curled up around my camera - a dog after my own heart :).
I gave Sean some puppy dog eyes of my own last night and Chance got to sleep with us - and slept by me ALL NIGHT! I'd move and feel this little furry body and go 'awwww'.
We have no idea how old he is but discovered last night that his teeth are still small and sharp - and he only has a few of them. I did some research online today and I think he's a Japanese Chin (type of Spaniel) but his hair hasn't grown out yet (or he's mixed with something). He's potty-trained as far as I can tell - he hasn't gone in the house and has gone out with us when we smoke and potties then.

I'm in LURVE!!

My Sis

2008-10-27T00:23:00.002-05:00

So I've written a post about my parents and being the youngest in a family of 9 kids - but I haven't talked about those kids a lot. Why? Because I hardly know any of them...and I hate it more than any of them could ever know.
Out of the 9 I have only lived with 3 for any length of time. One of my father's daughters and 2 of my mother's children (though my family never seperated it that way). Of course, I was unkind to my father's daughter, Jeannie, when we would fight. I said horrible kid things like "you're not really my sister"...things I'm ashamed of now. (I'm really sorry, Jeannie.)
Monique is my sister, and the oldest child I grew up with - yet that statement seems so strange to me. With her being 12 years older she was away at college before I began to love the fact that I had her around. She was crazy in high school - dressed up like Boy George, wore trashbags to school with a belt, and would wear one nightgown to bed and put on a different one to wear to school. I hear my parents were a permanent fixture around the school (but don't for one second think that my brother wasn't ever the reason for that, lol).
Everyone loved her - everyone always has. She has that magnetic personality that no one can resist. That and she's super talented. She's a singer and an actress - bigger than life. Oh...and a klutz. She has sat down at a table only to have it collapse around her a second later and at my grandmother's funeral she wrapped one foot around the chair leg and it fell asleep. When we got up to view the body she forgot and the chairs from where she was and back toppled over like dominoes. I once watched her performing in college as the evil stepmother in Snow White - she fell off the back of a platform on stage during a big 'mirror' scene.

And I wanted to be just like her.

She's been married twice - to men that did NOT deserve her and broke her heart. For the last 15 years or so she has lived a 'lost' life - jumping from one place to another and losing her happiness...her soul, along the way. I've seen her age more in the last 4 years than in her entire pfmmmm year life.

But...now there is hope. Forgive me for not being able to post more about 'hope' now...but I will :).

While she was here we went bowling (sooo fun). I'll post pics as soon as I get them edited - I've been in a funk lately (broken record). Sean had a little more to drink than he normally does which resulted in a lost 20 minutes while I gave him my food order - a pretzel with cheese. That man nearly caused me to lose what little mind I have left. No more drinky-drinky for him.
He did nearly take out the annoying teenagers next to us with a bright orange bowling ball when he was dancing before he rolled and lost his grip.
I can't wait to see her again - she wants me to take photos of her...and with her background I can see some really creative shots coming your way :).

2008-10-25T19:41:00.002-05:00

First, go check THIS OUT. Its a giveaway over at The Secret is in the Sauce :).

Now, for those of you who came back (*giggle*) I wanted to share something else with you that I found today. I've been searching for new reads like a crazy person lately and happened on this amazing writer. A few posts back she said something that completely stuck with me and I want you to read the whole article, but I'm going to post the section that meant a lot to me. After you read it here please go over to her blog and show her some love.

[...I’m sick of being afraid. I’m sick of letting my voice drop as I say it. From this moment forward, I am taking myself as seriously as I possibly can. Writing (or photography for me) is all I ever think about, day and night, all the time. Why wait until someone else tells me I’ve arrived? Why wait until I finally believe my credentials speak for themselves, when I know damn well there will never be a list long enough and good enough for the bully that lives inside my head? Why not use my own words to tell you all who I am? I am going to fly without thinking about how I look to you. I am not inadequate. I am not less than. I am not ashamed. I am not a part-time dreamer...]

She wrote it from the perspective of a writer - but it completely applies to me in my photography...and ANY of us who have an art or talent that we love and are passionate about.

Hypothetical Thursday - #3

2008-10-23T11:25:00.002-05:00

Has it really been a full week since I posted last? Ok, I'll do better from now on - it was a crazy week with my sis here and I'll post on that tomorrow :).

Last week's question was: If you could travel to any place in the world, where would it be (all expense paid, of course, lol)?

Your answers were:

Bri said...
Hmmm, well if I could go somewhere RIGHT NOW, like next weekend, I would get on a plane and go to some place warm and lay on a beach with my guy for a couple of days. That sounds like heaven. ;)If I had time to plan, I'd love to eat my way across Italy. My god, the CARBS!! Mmmmm!! LOL (I'll jump on the plane with ya and NOT ever let you feel bad for eating so many carbs, lol.)

My Life My Life My Life said...
I would go to a cabin but not just any cabin...it has to be a hotelesque type cabin with all amenities BUT in the middle of a forest. Alone. (Oh, gosh, what I wouldn't give for that sometimes too :))

Anonymous said...
I would go to Ireland, England and Scotland. I would kiss the blarney stone, set my watch to Big Ben, have English tea, go to stonehenge, listen to bagpipes, visit a castle or two, drive on the wrong side of the road, see the crown jewels, paint a picture in 6 shades of green, and buy lots of nick nacks. Tonya (Oh heck yes!!! Lol, I like the way you think.)

(Thank you, thank you, to everyone that commented. You guys are awesome :))

Now for my answer: For anyone that has read this blog for any length of time you will already know what my answer is. SCOTLAND!!! BUT, so I don't sound like a broken record I'll say that I would take the trip that I had planned a few years ago. It would have lasted nearly a month and covered as many European contries as possible: Scotland (*gush*), Paris, London, Holland, Italy (definately Venice) and Spain if there was time. I figured I'd only ever get one chance to travel there so I'd make the most of it, lol.

This Week's Question: If you could have any super power, what would it be (and what would you do with it first)? Have fun!!

Hypothetical Thursday - #2

2008-10-17T14:31:00.002-05:00

Before anyone says "Um...Kendra...this isn't Thursday - at least not in my little part of the world. What planet are you on again?" I had a busy day yesterday, lol. My sister is up from Atlanta until Monday and I had to drag myself out of bed at Oh-God:30 to eat breakfast with her, then saw her off and on...then Sean's sis, Erica, and her family came and were here until late last night.
In other words....It was an awesome day :)).

Ok, last week I asked my first hypothetical question and I was Pleased to have 2 comments. The question was: IF you were given a Million dollars, what are the first 5 things you would do with the money?

Bri said...
1. Pay off my student loans and any other outstanding debt. 2. Pay off the debts of

my parents and sister 3. Send my little brother to college. 4. Take my mom and aunt on

a trip around the world 5. Buy all the tech gadgets that I've been wanting but can't afford. ;)

Michelle said...
Good question ...1) Pay off all debts. 2) Pay off our car. 3) Buy a house. 4) Take a nice

vacation. 5) Find a new job ... where pay isn't as big of factor as it is today. (Absolutely...and I LOVE that neither of you said, flat out, quit my job. 4 stars for each of you, lol)

(Thank you Bri and Michelle :) )

Now for my answer: First I would buy 2 homes - one for my family and one for Jenn's family, that are together on a good sized piece of land, complete with a garage for the guys and a building for my photography studio (but the houses would not be huge - I don't understand why people go crazy like that, lol) and a smaller home for my mom next to my house. Then I would pay off any debt that isn't wrapped up in bankruptcy like med bills from here in Missouri and my student loans. Third I would buy new vehicles for Sean and I. He'd get the tricked out truck he wants and I would get my lust-worthy, green Ford Flex (have you seen those? I drool during every commercial). Fourth, pay off a year family membership at a gym. I miss going to the gym and I need to be more healthy. Finally, I would invest some back into the economy. NOT a lot - and not high risk. High risk these days is pretty much flushing it all down the toilet.

This weeks Question: If you could travel to any place in the world, where would it be (all expense paid, of course, lol)?

The Kindness of "Strangers"

2008-10-14T01:05:00.004-05:00

I'll say this - I've met some pretty strange and amazing people during my 'life' on the internet. I can tell you that I value every friendship I've made and YES, I do consider people that I've never met Friends.

Anyway, lol. Its pretty obvious that I haven't been feeling too great lately and I had been neglecting my photography as well. BUT I've been taking my meds and I feel myself easing back into things pretty well.
One of my recent self-portraits on flickr directed some friends to the post about my 'naked' thoughts and it spurred one of them to send some love my way, in the form of a white box of goodies that made me squeal :).

Jenn and my mom were here when the package arrived and, since I was smoking a cigarette and she was holding onto it with greedy delight, Jenn opened it for me. (I swear, I don't think I could have pried it out of her hands - she looked kinda crazy-eyed.) I told her it was from Denise - "I'm not sure what's gonna be in there...so be careful opening it."
As she pulled things out of the box we all giggled and candy was passed around.

Contents of the box:
Mascara (that I've been secretly crushing on for a while)
Eyelash curler (one of the GOOD ones)
Bubbles
Funky Polka-dotted socks (my first pair of funky socks EVER)
Peeps
a big box of Mike and Ikes' (which my son grabbed and never let go of)
a giftcard to Mickey-D's so I could have a night off from cooking
Lipgloss
and a card that says: You know it was a good day if you didn't hit or bite anyone. AMEN!!

Thank you so much Denise for being awesome and making me smile and giggle - it felt really good :)!

The Plans of Mice and Men

2008-10-09T21:50:00.002-05:00

Ok, I'm officially fed up with myself, lol. I'm ready to devote more time to this here blog and maybe get a few new friends in the process. I'm going to create a couple of weekly themes for myself - one of them I'm introducing now.

From now on - and for as long as I can think of questions - Thursday will henceforth known as "Hypothetical Thursday". I will post a question this week and then next thursday I'll share my answer to the question and answers I've gotten from others in the comments.
I was trying to give myself a challenge and I wanted to do something that I was interested in so it'd be easier to stick to it. When my husband and I met we would ask each other a lot of hypothetical questions and it helped us really get to know each other - that memory is the birth of this new weekly theme.

I'd love for lurkers, first-timers, loyal readers..anyone to comment and be honest...or comment and be insanely zany. Everyone is welcome!

Ok, so week 1's question: In light of our current economic situation, my husband was at work discussing the bailout with a coworker. The guy mentioned that instead of what was planned, that the government should just give every taxpayer $1 Million. I'm all for that :). SO...

Q. If you were given $1 Million, what are the first 5 things you would do with the money?

That Darn Cat

2008-09-30T12:39:00.002-05:00

Sooo, now that Sean and I live in an apartment complex our lives have gotten a little more interesting. Take this for instance. My van window wouldn't roll up so we were forced to leave it down for a few hours until Sean could fix it.We pulled into the driveway to find that my van had a new occupant. This is Damien, a neighbor's cat. He LOVES to get into our vehicles so we don't leave the windows down. I KNEW this was going to happen. And he totally didn't care when I stuck my head into the van and told him to get the f*** out.

He even posed for a few shots:

And...is it just me...or does he look a little stoned in that last one? Of course, there is NO telling what he found in the floor of that van.

Questions

2008-09-23T22:50:00.004-05:00

I have a friend. I call her friend - I could only hope to be thought of as the same by her. She has this blog that has this weekly theme. The theme is being naked. Not traditionally speaking - didn't mean to scare anyone there :) - but its about having a naked mind, heart - baring the soul.

She entered my thoughts today and inspired me.
I owe it to all of you to follow her lead and be naked.
Want to know why I've been MIA lately? Its because I've been thinking - too much. My thinking leads to depression and apathy and hiding and wallowing. And its always the same subject. SO, I wrote it out in an attempt to purge it.
As I wrote it morphed...and I let it carry me to a real, gut-wrenching paragraph or two. Now, I share it with you. This is my mind...naked.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I can't keep my emotions under control. Does money, or the lack thereof, affect me so much? Is it the only thing that can make me content with life? If so, why? Is it stuff? Is it the act of buying - of being able to?
Is it completely me? Maybe its that I know how my family will act - short tempered husband. Does the same issue affect him?
Is it that I'm home all day to think about it? That I see the empty cabinets and fridge, that I'm faced with my children begging for every toy on every commercial...is it that my 4 year old knows enough to ask me if I have enough money for something?

But many people have money issues. Many Happy people. Why does it affect my mood so completely, like a dark cloud?
Should a rising bank account lift the veil and make life brighter - or is that only bad because a lowering bank account makes me dark...depressed...angry?

Is it because it all feels like my fault? It started with my father's illness and burnout - then his death - my daughter's birth - then severe depression and family issues. Now I'm home because it seems like its the best thing financially.
I'm supposed to be busy now - my photography was supposed to have taken off - I was supposed to have hi the ground running...

Supposed to. Should have.

Is a dream really a dream if you will fight everyone around you to make it happen - but when it comes down to it you don't fight yourself to let go of doubt and fear of rejection, and instead let it stop you in your tracks completely?

What if I fail at the one thing I want to do? The one thing that fills every waking thought...the one thing that I have dreamed about since I knew dreams existed...

What will I be then?

I was taught to dream - to dream big.

But not to attack the dream -

to merely wait, to hope,

to believe in it.

But not how to do it.

I was not shown how to attain it.

Dream without acting, believe without being...

Is it possible to learn now?

And where do I turn to find a teacher?

That is all.

Now please, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!, can I please get back to some funny shi*??? I'm sure your answer is yes and you know what...I actually do feel alot better, lol. Its amazing how that works :).

Family Reunions Part 2

2008-09-16T22:45:00.002-05:00

Sean and I drove to Oklahoma on Saturday to see his step-sis. (I love seeing them!) We left later than we had planned to and then this happened:

THAT is the photo of a blowout on HWY 44 at mile marker 24, lol. We had passed someone and were moving back into the right lane when we kinda heard a little pop and the van felt slightly funny. Even he wondered what it was, but by the time that we got to the side of the road we knew something was wrong. Thank goodness we had a donut AND he was with me when it happened. Yes, I am one of those women that can not change a tire.

We finally got there around 1 to a great surprise. Sean's step-mom, that he hasn't seen since he was 9, and 2 brothers (that he's never met before) were there. I have always wanted to meet Rosie and he has ALWAYS wondered about his brothers and wanted to meet them. As soon as he could he got them in the car with him and they went to Wal-Mart to get a tire. He was on cloud 9.

Willie is on the left and Roy is on the right. This shot is funny because we had put them in front of a bush - one of them spied the neighbor's dirty truck and said they should stand in front of it. We all laughed...then someone noticed the duck on the antennae and all was lost. See the duck above Roy's head?? They are definately brothers, lol.

*Sigh* There is so much wrong with this :). But this one is worse:

This is a shot of everyone. From left to right: Rosie, Willie, Sean, Roy, Erica and Baby E.

Oh, and if you've ever wondered about the pockets on pants like Willie is wearing: They can carry a 2 liter bottle of coke, no problem. I think he could have put Baby E in there, lol. We had SUCH a good laugh over the soda. What I wish I had gotten a photo of was his coat. He had a trench coat that kicked totally a$$.

And last, but NEVER least, I don't know if any of you remember, but Sean lost his half-sister in March of this year. Her name was Gloria, and while I still will not talk about the details of that day, I wanted to share something special with you. Rosie is her mother and brought this with her:

Gloria was cremated and this is one of the few 'urns' that hold her. Sean is the one holding the heart in the photo. I choked back a tear as I took this - but HAD to take the shot. You are missed Gloria, even by those who never got to meet you.

The Post I Didn't Write on the 11th

2008-09-13T01:22:00.002-05:00

Its been 7 years - 7 years to put aside the emotions, to go on with my life in a cacoon. I even left my street and glanced over at a man lowering the flag and had to ask myself why.

Then I remembered.

I wasn't going to post about this - I've never been one for bandwagons. Then, last night I watched a special on the History channel of the archived footage from that 90 or so minutes. Then I watched the special that introduced the people who shot the footage - average citizens and professionals.

I cried...like a baby. I felt the fear, I related to their words - their screams as the second plane careened into the tower.

***
I was at work, hating every minute of restocking the hotel's continental breakfast, when my mother called. I groaned to myself as she told me that something had flown into the World Trade Center. At that moment...I didn't really care. I didn't even know what it was - I don't even think I knew what it looked like. I shook her off. I reminded her that only a few months before (I think) a kid had crashed his father's plane into a building and it was probably just another accident.
She made me turn on the tv - the big screen in the hotel lobby.
I saw the smoke billowing out of the tower, and much as it is when a car crashes in a NASCAR race, I was interested and couldn't look away. Then I saw another plane and, even though I could see the first tower billowing gray smoke, I asked if they were replaying the footage - just as the second plane crashed into the second tower on national television.
I almost dropped the phone...my blood went cold. In that moment I knew that something was definately wrong. THIS was not an accident. My mother gasped and went silent.
People had gathered in the lobby, asking me what was going on - and then they were silent too.

I look back on that day now and it all seems to have happened so fast. It seemed like mere seconds when I saw a burning Pentagon and heard about Flight 93.
I was a 21 year old woman, in a Kansas hotel - who just desperately wanted to go home and hold her 6 month old son and know that he was ok.
I didn't know how much longer it was going to go on.
I just waited for another report to come in - another burning building...more charred wreckage.

I can't tell you when my blood went back to normal, when my mind stopped racing, or when I stopped searching the sky for danger. I can tell you that I have avoided reading about that day, avoided watching specials on it and talking about it just to get the feeling of numbness to go away.
In a crazy way, I'm glad that I forced myself to watch last night. I felt this strange pull to feel the fear again, to hear the screams of the terrified roommate, to watch the footage of firemen from the 288 walking towards their end with determination and bravery. And, in a crazy way, I'm trying to write this to honor them - honor them all.
We are allowed to go on with our day, to blast the President (the very one we looked too when our Country was attacked), to have hope for our futures (in what ever form we see it). BECAUSE I'm allowed to go on with my day, with my life, I choose to never forget them again. I will never let another September 11th go by without taking a few moments to think of the people who died that day at the hand of insanity in the form of religion - they DESERVE to be remembered. They deserve a few moments of my time.

Oreo's Debut

2008-09-08T15:30:00.004-05:00

At 2 am, when I was trying to fall asleep, I realized I had not blogged yesterday as promised. I fought with myself about getting up and blogging right then - but it would not have been the entry about Oreo - it would have been a rant...one that I may write in a day or two. But, now that I've had a few daylight hours alone to watch real tv, I've decided that I must make good on the words of my last entry.

When I described Oreo, I should have said that she's nocturnal - and that wheel sounds like a coffee pot brewing when she's running on it. My kids LOVE to stand by her cage and say (in cute baby voices) "Oh, she's a cute wittle baby...Awwwww....such cute little feet". Its adorable really.

When Isaac was holding her the other day she nestled into his hands and cleaned her fur. I noticed that he is the only one she will do that with and I mentioned that she feels safe with him. He lit up like a Christmas tree.

Ok..enough teasing :) Here she is in all her tiny glory:

And that is 'nearly' actual size, lol. You can see from the photo that she has a black face and white middle. She also has a black tushy - which gives her the name Oreo...like an Oreo cookie.

First Post in My New Abode

2008-09-07T00:59:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that we have finished moving (though still unpacking) and finally got our internet turned on. So far we are loving the new apartment and living across the street from our best friends. BUT, we are broker than broke due to the moving situation. The last landlord has not, and probably won't, let us have our deposit back since we only gave her 17 days instead of 30. That hurts, a LOT.

BUT, we'll make it.

I'm dealing, under the circumstances. You know what's really funny though? I'm the most bummed that I don't have the 30 bux to extend my flickr pro account - I'm losing my marbles over the fact that it ended a few days ago. Oh well, lol.

I'm planning a big post for tomorrow and hopefully I'll announce an idea that I had for a Friday feature thing. I'm still mulling it over though. Also, I'll have some pictures to show you - we have a new addition to the family. Her name is Oreo, she is tiny and loves to chew on my necklace. You have to wait until tomorrow to find out what she is :). I'd love to hear some guesses (that is, if I haven't lost all of you already, lol).

Update

2008-08-27T19:52:00.002-05:00

Just thought I'd let everyone know what's going on. We are still moving in.

Still...
Moving...
IN....

We did sleep there last night which is always odd - first night in a new place. Lylli got up about 10 times before she finally gave in and stayed put. Of course, she may have had trouble sleeping due to the neighbors.

Goth...TECHNO LOVIN'...Neighbors. Guh...

I woke up at 5 this morning to hack up another chunk of my one remaining lung - and that stupid beat was STILL thumping the walls.
Sean knocked on their door at 11pm telling them that we had kids and could they keep it down at night. They did turn it down quite a bit but the bass just carried right through the walls. What makes it worse is that it was the SAME BEAT, over and over again. Apparently they are producers so he was mixing. UGH.

Anyway, our internet is on at home on the 5th so, if I don't post again before then, pray that I keep myself from killing the techno-goths in my sleep :).