Saturday, July 4, 2015

Holidays

I have to be honest. Holiday's are hard for me.

Sharing custody 50/50 means there are half of the remainder of my holidays that will be spent without my kids. 

It sucks.

When I was a kid, my parents always made holidays special.  Every Easter there were personal baskets, every Valentine's day there was a stuffed animal, chocolates and a card...and Christmas was out of this world! I woke up to presents that I had asked for during the year, sometimes I had forgotten all about them.  One year, in Alabama, I had said something about wishing I had a birthstone ring.  A girl I knew had one I thought it was so crazy special and cool.  It was way too fancy for my 11-ish year old mind...how fantastic to have a real ring with an emerald in it?!

I also, that same year, would run to a specific jewelry case in K-Mart to look at this beautiful cross necklace. It was silver and had an amethyst in the center.  It reminded me of a medieval cross and I just needed it so bad. My dad would laugh and say that maybe someday I could have one like it. I kept hoping that if I looked at it enough times, he would buy it for me and I would wear it out of the store.  One day we went in and it was gone.  I was heartbroken.

Guess what I got in my stocking that year?  I opened this tiny present that had been hiding in my stocking amid candy...and there was my necklace.  I thought I was just going to die!  Not long after that gift, I opened one that had this sweet little emerald ring - all mine and it fit perfectly. 

After that things kinda went 'south' on holiday's.  The next year it was just a home movie of me sitting alone on the couch on one side of the room and my parents on the other. I opened my presents alone and that was it.  I can't remember why my siblings weren't there that year....maybe my brother was fighting in Desert Storm that Christmas.  Then my dad got sick and money was tight, we moved back to Missouri and I watched my mom struggle to make me an afghan for Christmas that year.

When my ex and I got married, I wanted every holiday for my kids to be special like it was for me.  NO matter what struggle, holidays were important. Family around us, cookouts, surprise gifts...

Dad died.  Divorce happens. 

Holiday's suck now.

I'm home on the 4th of July. Sitting behind my computer. 

I see images of my kids having fun with their dad at SDC and I'm so happy for them. 

I'm sad because I'm not with them.  I'm sad that those memories aren't with me in them.  Sometimes I feel like I'm an outsider on their lives.

I don't go to cookouts anymore, no grand family get togethers or outings.  I miss holidays.  I miss when they meant crazy family and fun days.

Now they just bleed...day into another. 

I work, I sleep, I work, I sleep...I stare at computer screens....

There has to be more than this.....


Friday, July 3, 2015

Oh My!

Oh this.....So today, a co-worker came across this video on their facebook feed and I loved it.  It was quirky and just so strange I couldn't look away.


I had to share that with you :).  If you are anything like me, it will get stuck in your head...I'm not sorry.

So I did a search for more of his stuff and found some other strange ones, but this one below....wow - what an amazing talent.  Frankly, with a voice like this I think he can be as weird as he wants :). 

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Overwhelmed

I've been trying to figure out what to write about.  I read back through some old posts and realized I had said a whole lot of nothing, for a long time.  Now I'm a bit overwhelmed trying to decide how to document 3+ years of my life.  What comes first?

December of 2009 I have 12 posts - some about my life and family, some were About Me quiz's.  Then everything drastically drops off with a post or 2 a month.  Most of them quick little 'filler' posts.  At that time I was dealing with my depression again - I felt like I was just wading through quicksand every day.  

 In April of 2010 there are 2 posts. 1 is mostly about the inversion sprain that I had experienced with my ankle and both of them tell of me leaving my now ex-husband.  After that my life got scattered and crazy. Sometimes I had internet, I worked a lot, I spent time without my kids while they were with their dad and I was working a lot to try to get back on my feet. I did a lot of soul searching and and discovered how amazing my kids are - I became a better mom because I had to fight so hard...and I'm grateful for that.  In July 2010 I wrote This post - where I read and am transported back to that time and can feel the pain all over again - is a great example of what life was like for me.

In December 2010 I lost my job at a local theater.  I loved that job and I loved my boss.  It was a great way to get back into the workforce after being a stay-at-home mom.  I was sad to see it go, but in a way it opened a door for me to a MUCH better job :).  In March of 2011, I started working for an amazing company that I'm still blessed to be a part of.  I've worn a few different hats and I am so grateful that I get to be a part of what we do there.

In May of 2011 I started living in a weekly-rental motel, the first step to getting back on my feet, and experienced the horror of bed bugs.  They derailed my progress for a little bit, but after wrapping my new king size bed in plastic, taping it up with duct tape and putting it in a hot storage shed for a summer, I have been able to use it again.

January of 2012 I conquered my fear and rode in a helicopter for the first time. In May of 2012 I was hospitalized for a week with pneumonia. In July of 2012 I wrote about getting my passport.

Then silence.....

What I didn't write about in June 2010 is that Lars was here for the first time.  He and I met in person, he met the kids and my mother...  It was an amazing experience that I didn't document and as I sit here now, I can't understand why not.  I guess what I really need to do is start with June 2010 and work my way forward and fill in the holes :).  I think writing about what he and I have been going through as a couple, and as a new family, will be a nice direction to take this blog :). 




Sunday, June 14, 2015

Boxes of Fun

Back in October, for Lars' birthday, I bought him a subscription to Loot Crate. It is this awesome nerd subscription box that comes every month. He has gotten a new t-shirt nearly every month and stuff from Walking Dead to D&D.  Everyone here is so excited when it comes in - absolutely worth the money.

Even though I would give just about anything for my own Loot Crate subscription (momma wants some t-shirts too), right now I just can't afford it.  I did find a girly thing to get.

I know, I know - I'm not very girly.  Even though my desk area at work looks like I might be...

Wait, wait, wait...that is what it DID look like.  My fellow managers decided to decorate my new office space when I recently moved back to IT.  I'm the only girl in that department....I got asked more than once if it was my birthday.  Nope......not my birthday......

I've toned it down a little more. The name is all that remains.


ANYWAY, I desperately wanted my own monthly fun box and I found one called Ipsy. Its a 'Glam' bag.  What it boils down to is a makeup bag, some make-up or other beauty product and perhaps a brush every now and then.  Its half the cost of the Loot Crate.

I just got the bag for June today (its my second bag) and thought I'd take some pics of it.  It had been a while since I'd used my tabletop studio so I got it out and snapped a few pics.


This month I got a body butter that I can't wear to work because its Vanilla scented (it gives a co-worker migraines), brown eyeshadow, turquoise eyeliner (wha??), nail polish and foundation primer.  I have no idea what foundation primer is...and I'm a little concerned about eyeshadow that is in crayon form.  I think I'll give this a couple more months to see what kind of variations I get.  Maybe it will inspire me to be more of a girl.....:)

I still wish it was a Loot Crate....I mean, look at this stuff!!







A lot of stuff is missing - like all of the t-shits, a cool watch with numbers that are hidden until you tap the face, a blow-up crown, a pair of Groot socks, 8-bit styled sunglasses and a D&D bow-tie. You can see that here.....you can also see where it went...


In short, every month I get a girly beauty bag and Lars gets a kick-butt, awesome nerd box and I'm jealous.  The up side is that neither of the kids are begging me for my stuff :).