Things Change

I have experienced a few things since the last time I posted here.

A few weeks ago I had a severe headache that lasted for three days.  That turned into severe back pain and no sleep for 5 days. At that point I went to the ER and was told I had a severe UTI and was put on antibiotics and pain meds.  I went home, happy to have a solution. that Saturday night.  Sunday I couldn't breathe.  My stubborn self continued to try to smoke, but every inhale left me coughing.  Sitting at the computer was fine, but walking to the kitchen to get water, only 10 feet away, left me breathless.  Monday was the same and I tried to be strong and pray...but ended up back at the ER on Monday...which was when I was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia...and stayed there for 6 days.

Other than having my kids, I've never been in the hospital.  I went through my mother being in frequently for her asthma and then my dad a few times before he died...but never me.  I've lived for a long time now with this "I'll take care of my weight/smoking/health tomorrow" attitude.  Its not that I didn't want to change things about my life, I just had excuses for why I couldn't..or if I quit doing something unhealthy I would find a way to justify doing it again.

I felt like I had all the time in the world. 

For 6 days I didn't have a cigarette.  For 6 days I didn't even care.  I couldn't breathe...so the thought of a cigarette just scared the crap out of me.  It has now been 2 weeks since my last cigarette.  Its hard...some moments or situations are harder than others.  I just make myself think about how excited my kids were when I told them I had quit smoking.  I think of the high-fives I've gotten from co-workers or the supportive hugs.  I think about the people I know who don't think I can quit...how I will feel when its a year later and I still haven't smoked and I have the satisfaction of being able to think to myself "HA!"

Thankfully, Dr. Pepper tastes like cough medicine to me and I can't even stand the thought of drinking it...which has helped me chug water and I am so thankful.  Soda and cigarettes were my main vices...ones that I'm not going to be a slave to anymore.

I'm also re-discovering my love for Christian radio...listening to Pastors like Alistair Begg and Lisa Harper...not cramming the noise that the world calls music into my ears constantly.  I'm finding a faith that I lost for a while and remembering who my Heavenly Father is.  Working Sundays makes it impossible to go to church right now, but I'm wishing that I could find a church family again...and that is a big step for me.  I'm realizing how much I need it...how much I miss being able to sit and hear the word of God and be around people that love Him.  I just will need to remember that they are human too and if they fail me, God does not...and not the blame Him for their human-ness.

My divorce was finalized on March 28th.  Sean and I joked with each other during the waiting time for it and it was bittersweet.  Its a strange thing to not be married anymore...

 I've been going through a 'funk' the last few days...one that I can't really get into on here...I have a lot of things on my mind....decisions that I don't know how to make and feelings that I don't quite understand.  Pray that God shows me answers....points me in the right direction. 

I'm not perfect...I still might fail in various things....I still have bad habits I need to conquer...but for the first time in my 'new' life I feel like I have a little hope and that I'm beginning the move forward.  I'm not treading water anymore...I'm in the boat and I'm heading toward the stability of the shore....Thank you Jesus :).

Scratching One Off the Bucket List

6 years ago I met someone who taught me to not be afraid of everything - and if I am truly afraid, to fight against it and do what scares me.  Out of that I made a goal for myself - ride in a helicopter.  I am terrified of heights, scared of being in the air.  I always imagined that if I got in an airplane that I'd have to be sedated or climb the walls.  I've dreamt about it all, soaring above it all and then other dreams where things are crashing down.  Flying was a deep fear - and the idea of a helicopter was the worst fear.
Then someone was talking to me and said, "If you can ride in a helicopter, a plane will be no issue for you."  So I decided right then that before I ever boarded my first plane to anywhere, I'd ride in a helicopter.  For one, its a shorter flight and can be put down directly if I start losing my mind...and 2 - you see everything.  There are no other people to block you from the windows...its just you and the world...or so I imagined.

I was right :)

(Had to add the pic of my amazing man - the one who, 6 years ago, inspired me to conquer my fear.  How perfect it was to have him next to me for my first, but not last, heli ride.)

A little before Christmas, my best friend (hope she doesn't mind me calling her that, lol) asked me if I wanted something that her husband won at a work party.  It was a helicopter ride for two - and I nearly died right there. Absolute perfect Christmas present.  Not only for me, but for Lars also. He has always wanted to ride in one as well - a first for us both :).
I was terrified, of course.  Smoked a cig right before the flight - the pilot came to the door at that moment to unlock it for us, and laughed out loud.  I must have had THAT look on my face.  By the way, she made the experience so much better than I could have imagined. Super friendly, but definitely knew her heli, explained things to me and stayed calm.  She was brilliant. (Chopper Charter in Branson, MO - ask for Joanne Boyer).
So the first part of the flight I was nervous.  Takeoff was beautiful - actually going towards water turned my legs to jelly and I was afraid to let go of the bar in front of me.  A few times we dipped and my stomach flipped...but by the end of the flight I had this huge grin on my face and I felt so relaxed.  Something I never imagined, I can tell you.
I conquered my fear...there is nothing greater than that.

Winds of Change

Well now..what a change I've been through recently.  Thought I'd update some.

I have found a new home. (Yay!!) Its a cute little 2 bedroom apartment near the kids.  It has a real kitchen with a real stove and I made biscuits.  I MADE BISCUITS!!  Ok...so the idea of making biscuits isn't the most exciting thing, hardly worth the use of all-caps....BUT IT SO IS!  I had only a 2 burner cook-top thing. One of those little portable stoves you'd use if your own real stove suddenly quit working.  I feel like a big girl being able to really cook now.  I was grocery shopping, now that I have a fridge larger than a very small child, and came across those huge biscuits in a can.  The ones that pop when you peel the paper off :)....which actually frightens me, every. Fricking. Time.

Anyway...

So, to honor my new apartment I did something completely unhealthy.  I treated myself to large buttery biscuits for the first time in over a year.  And they were good.  And I enjoyed them as I sat on my loveseat and watched Castle on Hulu.


I am a bad girl.

Whatever...don't judge me :).

I also read 2 entire books since I've been here.  The first one I read in a day and was so happy to have been able to do it, I nearly cried.

The second, and most recent, took me longer than a day...as it was 1149 pages.  However, its been 2 weeks in my new place and it was not so amazingly awesome.  The book was.  The being able to do it in complete silence....not so much.

The place I've moved to is out in the middle of nowhere, Missouri.  I saw 6 deer on my road the first day I moved here...and its a 2 mile road.  I love that its quiet here. I love that its safe and, thus-far, bug free.  BUT...its too quiet sometimes.  At night when I am laying down...there is no breathing (or snoring) beside me.  No one to cuddle when I have a (frequent) bad dream.  During the day there is no arguing in the other room about someone not going through the Stargate when they were supposed to.  Instead there is a silence.  A silence so deep that even the birds are quiet for me.  I look out my window and not even the wind through the leaves on the trees will make them talk to me.  It is beautiful...and it is quiet.

Quiet is good, but when it makes you face the loneliness...it can be heartbreaking.

I struggle every day with what my life has become.  Although, who I've become allows me to appreciate where I used to be....and has helped me find the error in who I was.  I have learned to grow...though I know I'm not to my full height yet (I think I lost the metaphor somewhere...)

Some days, I feel like an appreciative caged animal.  Other days, I feel the peace of moving forward and hope...which I've needed.

I long for the coming days when the voices I hear are not just memories in my mind....and for the day when I can finally take the plastic off my mattress again and realize I don't have to be afraid anymore.

Oh What a Life

Since the last time I've visited my little web home-away-from-home, things have changed in multiple ways.

My new apartment, a place I was just starting to like, showed itself to be unfriendly in a nasty way. I started getting these red bites all over my skin...mainly the part that was pushed into the bed while I slept. They itched...a burning itch that only got worse when you tried to ignore it. I'd scratch and the itch was even worse, something that before the scratch I would not have thought possible. My arms, chin....COVERED in these awful bites. 3 weeks I just dealt with it. I hoped it was a rash, an allergic reaction..anything other than what I KNEW it to be.

Bedbugs.

Yup. And the worst part? The bed was MINE...my brand new king size bed that Lars and I bought. I've had it since December of last year and Never a problem...

So, I moved out and back into my second momma's house for a couple weeks. At which time the guy that owns the motel/apartment I own said that he'd completely remodeled and I should move back it. Let me tell you...it really looks good. Faux hardwood floor, baseboards, new paint, the tacky motel art is gone...

You polish shit, its still shit.

The bed AND couch he put in here had those dang bugs too. I asked him to remove them and he did...and bought me a futon. A CHEAP futon...with thin metal bars. Its like sleeping on The Rack. I imagine...but....no more bugs. Granted, I have it in the middle of the floor and never let my bedding touch the floor. Just in case.

On the plus side of all this, as all good stories should have a plus side, I'm becoming one with my inner Voice. Well..wait..that kinda sounded like it made more sense in my head. What I mean is that I'm learning to listen to me and what I need and standing up for myself. I'm saying things to people that I wouldn't have before. I don't let people get under my skin quite the same way and I'm learning to confront when it matters. Not that I always do, mind you...or that I still don't want to punch certain people in the face when I hear their voice....but I'm getting better.

I've also spent my Monday and Tuesdays with the kids this summer. Swimming and going to shows and hanging out. Its been great to be with them. Right now I have to live with the little time I have with them...even though it kills me that we aren't together all the time. I got to watch Ike face his fear of the 8ft and jump in. I watched Lylli go from hugging the ladder to using the pool noodles to float and swim all around the 4ft side of the pool. Isaac got his first pair of drumsticks, signed by the coolest group in Branson (Jeerk). Lylli got licked by a giraffe. I fell on my butt at the waterpark. They got to watch their mother finally take her own medicine...I always tell them to be brave, and I finally showed them as well by moving out of the comfort zone in the pool. Ike said he was proud of me.

We were just busy all summer being happy in an imperfect situation.

This post was just a mashup of things...but now you know :)