Sunday, February 17, 2008

Discouraged in Missouri

I wrote this last night as I waited for Sean to get off work. We were planning to go bowling, out to eat and Chad wanted to get a tattoo...I would have actually gotten mine as well. Turns out we did eat but the tattoo will have to wait until Monday, as will bowling. Anyway, here is what I wrote on the back of a hospital bill:

Don't know when I'll get to blog today, so I'm writing this. Mainly its to keep my 365 obligation, but also to remember some things I wanted to blog about.
I realize I still haven't blogged about my dad - I need to do that.
Another is my photography. I now have all the stuff I need to get going, but I'm faltering. I have to remind myself that I've done this before...and that I LOVE it. Doubts still linger like a bad taste.
The other night I took some pics I was proud of - used the new light gear and everything. Then last night Jenn and I were going to have a photo-session and I blanked. I had no ideas. I told myself I was just using the time to mess with settings and learn. But, the more I messed with settings, the worse I felt, so inadequate.
I feel like every good shot I've ever taken was an accident. Yes, I'm taking my meds...but I guess I'm still having Nothing is ever as easy as we think it will be. Right? Just like nothing is ever as bad as we think?
I begin to wonder if I'm just one of those people who can take a decent snapshot and gets lucky every once in a while. The only thing keeping me going at the moment is kind words I've recieved in the past. I must hold onto those.
Honestly, all I see myself doing now is, a year from now, selling everything and resigning myself to flipping cows or typing memos. I am so discouraged.

After a night of sleep I can say that I still feel this an extent. I am able to realize that many great photographers will take more than one shot to get the ones they want...I'd be fine with that. Mine seems to be from session to session. Once I may get the camera out and be able to accomplish what I had in my mind...the next time is crap.
I feel like one of those people who desperately wishes they could become a singer and sings whenever they get the chance hearing their beautiful voice....but everyone else around them knows that this person is tone deaf and sounds like a screeching howler monkey. I have to my dream an illusion? Do I have what it takes to REALLY do this?


Marylin said...

yes you CAN really do this! I think part of this is nerves that you'll mess up... well you'll never know until you just go ahead and start up will you?

Believe in yourself hun, I know you can do this - you've dreamed about it for so long now it can finally become a reality, as long as you want it to be!