Just a glimpse

There is a woman. Married with children. This is her dilemma...

She has only one bra, that she must wear every day or fall over from the weight of the boulders attached to her chest. The bra is old and busted...complete with the bottom sewed together because some clasps broke. The husband and children have new socks and underwear at least every other month.....

She has one pair of jeans - which have been attacked my a jean-eating bug that has enjoyed the left knee. (It must be said that she has NEVER had a hole in her jeans before, not even when she was little...and it is quite troublesome to her.) And we mustn't forget the hole on the butt that has been there for nearly a year now. Though once patched, it is now coming apart. In addition to that one pair of jeans she has two pairs of dress slacks that are now too short and 2 sport-pants which are not really something that she'd like to wear if she got called on a photography job. Her husband, on the other hand, has acquired 4 new pairs of jeans for himself in the last 6 months.

She waited paitently for income tax money to arrive and compiled a list of photography items that she wanted to begin her business. Beginning amount was $1500. The money arrived but the family needed to wait to find out how much they'd be able to keep due to the bankruptcy. Little by little she watched the money go for her children (school was starting and the youngest child was running around in high-water pants...things HAD to change there) and for a new stereo, speaker box and amp for her husband. On top of little things that popped up here and there because life was just so shitty at the moment. It dwindled until there was 1600.00 left. Yet she still waited because their was no word from the court. In the meantime she narrowed her wishlist down to nearly $500 (the same amount spent for husbands 'accessories'). She recieved a letter...the court required just over 1600.00. Well, shit....

They decided to beg the court for the remainder....and little by little she watched it dwindle again, no matter how much she fought it, to a little over 600. That's right...1,000 dollars short.

That is where she sits now. They still want their money....everyone else got what the wanted and needed....except her. All she asks is for 80.00 so she can buy herself something that is going on sale tomorrow (for 4 hours only)...and is told no and given a guilt trip. I mean really...the money is nearly gone anyway.....

She is tired of being last...she is tired of being ignored. She feels she has grown and not quite as selfish as she used to be (though is still blamed of being the most selfish person alive).....any money she has spent during all this was for others. Money to help with someone's bills, kids needed clothes and shoes, little gifts every now and then to say she cares.

She feels used, ignored, tired, irritated, hurt and yes, broken. She knows that she she should not spend the money...except for something that just seems like a waste of money to everyone else. She is trying to rationalize with herself that it isn't something she needs.

Does anyone understand? Who thinks she's being selfish? Please, be honest...because she really needs some advice. And yes, I am talking about myself. Its just easier to talk about myself behind my back...you know? And...this is merely a glimpse into all the things that are going on in my life. Do NOT envy other people....it only makes you feel worse about your life and is usually just wishful thinking.