Sunday, March 30, 2008


I think Sean and I have been replaced by Pod-People...and I hope it's not ever reversed.

Guess what I just got done doing? Washing. Dishes. Dishes that were used tonight!...and, AND they were the only ones in the sink. *thud*

I KNOW! Its crazy right??

Every day that I wake up here I see new things in myself that just were NOT there before. I do laundry...and cook. OMG, I even got up this morning and fed the kids breakfast without them begging for an hour. (Don't judge We've all been there, I just kinda never left there. Until NOW!) My dishes are done, the living room floor is clean, all the trash is in a bag...I'm in awe here, people!

To some people this kinda stuff just comes naturally. Not for me, ever. I mean, yeah...I was one of those people that could have an immaculate desk at work. Everything there had its place and I drove myself crazy keeping it nice. But home? Nuh-uh...completely different story. The house always looked like some kind of major war had gone through it - every. inch. of. it.
Eventually we'd have a fight about how it looked, each blaming the other for not picking up their own mess and we'd go into some crazed, anger-cleaning trance. The house would stay nice for about a day and then just kinda pile up again.

I know that the last 10 months have changed me in many ways - I didn't realize that all of the things we've gone through could actually change this part of me though. Yes, I still have my bad days and I have been hurting like crazy (my back) since moving here - but...

I can't put it into words that make sense, lol. Ok - for me no meds means a literal black cloud. Everything has a haze...a strange graying of my periphereal vision. On my meds everything is blindingly bright. That was how I measured my life. On meds/off meds. Haze/bright.
Since I came back from my mother's house a few months ago none of that seems to matter anymore. I have days where I'm agitated so I smack myself for forgetting meds and I get back on them. Yes, I still need them, but not for the sole purpose of making my life 'bright'. Does that make any sense?

Sean and I - he's changed so much. He reminds me of my old Sean. I have changed - I can see myself for what I am now. I can look back and actually see how I've grown. *giggle* I can actually look back and shake my head at the girl I was at this time last year - at the mom and wife I was. That is a BIG thing for me.

I sit here now, in a tiny room in my little, old trailer and I'm busting with pride. So much pride that I want to keep it clean, I want to take care of my family - I want us to be whole and happy. And, not only do I want those things - I'm actually working every day to make it a reality.

I think - I believe that the selfishness of my youth is behind me now. All we've gone through HAS made me a better person and, let me tell you, suddenly waking up one day to this new person is all I've wanted for many years. And you know what? All I can, or want to say, is Thank You, God.