Saturday, March 7, 2009

Rant

Be warned...this is a rant/self-pity kinda post. I've got so much on my mind right now and this is really the only place that I can voice that.

A few weeks ago I was on top of the world, believing that great things were ahead. Now - I'm back to wanting to sleep, not caring about the house or my weight, and thinking there is no way out of this mess. I can't seem to focus for very long and I've been smoking and drinking so much soda that I'm just a wheezing bum.

I put off ordering the postcards to send to realtor's...and now I'm back to wondering when I'm going to have the available funds. I DO have the lens to take care of business though :).

I have a ton of people that follow me, and that I follow on twitter. At first I thought it was great - now its just depressing the hell out of me. Every other tweet is about their next client, or shoot...I'm happy for them. How can I not be? Its just that I wish I had something great to tweet about.

Yeah, I know, this is all ridiculous. I sit and whine, yet do nothing about it.

That's just it...I don't know what to do. I have no motivation - and when I do, I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to do next...and the fear of failure is crippling.

I nearly got my butt kicked the other day. (Changing the subject because I'm THAT sick of myself right now.) So, these kids tried to steal my dog. The kids I watch said they'd tried to tell them that they were taking our dog, but those snotty brats just laughed. I stormed out the back door and ALLLL the way across the backyard. Nearly a block down was this disgusting trailer, and a kid (that everyone claimed was a girl) the size of a linebacker, with my Chance - with a rope wrapped around his neck. I yelled that it was my dog and they needed to bring him back NOW!. Linebacker carried him towards us, unwinding the rope, claiming that they found him in their backyard. I mumbled "not likely", but said 'Well, he's ours. Isaac, get your dog."
That was it. We got him and walked back home while I talked to the landlord's boyfriend about it.
About an hour later the landlord's boyfriend knocked on our door and informed me I came just a few apartment doors away from getting a butt whooping. Apparently, the linebacker told its mother that I had cussed out and threatened he/she/it. LB said he told her that he's never heard me cuss before and knew that I hadn't acted that way because he'd seen everything.
Me? I was just kinda hoping she had knocked on the door.
I've been in THAT kinda mood lately. To be more precise: the "not-in-the-mood" mood.

Ever seen the Tim Robbins/Martin Lawrence movie where TR thinks his wife is cheating on him and ML tries to steal his car but instead TR kinda flips out with this "Oh you're gonna mess with me? No, I'm gonna mess with you!!" attitude? Yeah...if you have you know what I mean...that is totally me.

~My neice took off her diaper the other day and got poop all over my floor. Good times.
~I searched for my shoes yesterday so I could get to the bank before it closed. Yelled to see if my son had seen them. What was his response? "Am I gonna be in trouble?"
~My shoes, the only pair I really have, are outside drying out so I can bring them in and get the mud off of them.
~I've watched Madagascar 2 and Ariel's Beginning 5 times each in the last 2 days.
~Spongebob is starting to make perfect sense.
~My husband keeps ordering horrible movies off Netflix. If you want to watch the Vietnam war, come on over. Or, poorly made movies with bad acting that sound great in theory, but no one has ever heard of before....for GOOD REASON!
~I've been stuck on K for my 365 self portrait project for 3 days - and this time I know what I want to do - I just haven't done it...because I'm lazy.
~I've called myself a 'douche' at least 10 times in the last few days (thanks Sarcastic Mom for introducing me to the term, in relevance to a human being, lol)

Well...its out there. I'm done for now...and I do feel a little better. Instead of swirling inside my head these things can now swirl around the internet. Well...as far as one person perhaps. Who knows, lol.
Congratulations if you made it this far :)

1 comments:

Photos by Amy Watson said...

Yeah, I guess we all have those days, It is hard to watch your dream pass you by, we have all been there, times like those is when I take a step back and remember why I started taking pictures in the first place. Not everyone is going to be famous. Slow and steady wins the race. Besides some people lie about having shoots and sessions just to make the potential client feel pressure to hurry and book an appointment. Try not to look at everyone, your work is amazing, You are very talented. As far as motivation maybe you should partner with someone else sometimes two heads are better than one. Just a thought. I will pray for you.
Take care, it will get better soon.