Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Epiphany (part 1)

Last night I had an epiphany brought on by Sex and the City. I rented it out of some twisted moment of boredom, and perhaps a bit of morbid curiosity. Late at night I'll scan channels and when I find it on TBS is just can't seem to change the channel...those ladies pull me in every time. Renting it was a 'what the hell, why not' kinda moment.

I'm glad I have those moments. I cried like a baby through some parts and scared the dog with my spontaneous laughter through others.

Fear not, this post is not a movie review :)...I do have a point.

See, 'chic flicks' and I do not get along. I love them and, for a few brief minutes, feel that sense of romance/freedom/friendship afterwards. Then I crash like I'm coming down off a 3 day meth high. Bring on the tears and the feeling of inadequacy and doubt.
At 1 am this morning I began to look at my life. I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered why I wasn't a strong, independant woman - why I can't seem to hold my sh*t together. I realized that my problem is this: I'm a half person. I'm just not fully anything.

Think of it this way - those that go to college for a specific reason generally go into that field. People ask what they do and they say, "I'm a doctor/lawyer/teacher." They had a course, a path, and they followed it. Career established they move on with family and become parents. They live with cofidence.
Then you have others - those that had lives that got in the way. They don't have the same opportunities in life and often just take the job thats available to them, one that might change a hundred times before they die. They often say, "I work in an office/I flip burgers/I work at a school." Its not a set path for them and, without realizing it, are half people. Or 'not quite' people.

I'm a mom, but seriously not the best. I'm a wife/homemaker...and yet the house is in a constate state of...disaster is the best word. I'm a daughter but have a horrible relationship with my mother. I'm a photographer, yet I can't seem to get out of my comfort zone and establish myself. I'm a half of everything. THAT is my problem.

So, as I rambled and cried, driving down the road to buy more cigarettes, a song came on the radio. A song that it is impossible to be sad during - I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. I've attached it to my sidebar for your listening pleasure - but couldn't find the version I normally listen to (which is much better).
I pulled into the parking stall at the gas station and sang loud in my van - and I laughed at myself.

(to be continued) :)