Friday, May 21, 2010

Sins of the Past

It's funny, life.

Its so easy to change ourselves when it comes to a easy that we often don't see it. So why is it so hard to change ourselves back to people that we recognize and/or like? Or why is it so hard to change when its what we need to do?

For the last 6 years I have struggled with depression. I've become a person I don't recognize in many ways and made a lot of mistakes. I've come to realize that the more people that know about your mistakes, the harder it is to move past them.

Now I'm at a point in my life where I'm being forced to really look at myself. Being on my own with the kids is unfamiliar territory. I do have the support of those that love me and want me to succeed, and I am exceedingly grateful for them.
I am seeing that even though my life before wasn't perfect, I think I had a bit of a cushion from how people saw me..or that I afforded myself a chance to ignore it. I knew that who I had become was not who I wanted to be, but I allowed it to continue. I let myself get lazy with my personality...with my daily actions. I became lethargic.

I now live in a world where the focus is on me. Eyes are on how I raise my children and how I behave and I have no one else to put the focus on. I have to be responsible for my actions and be the person that I knew in my heart I wanted to be. The person I know I am.

I am reminded every day of the mistakes I've made. It is hard for people to see me as I want to be now...and I have no one to blame but myself and instead of being sorry for myself, I have to stand and be strong and say "I'll just show you".

The hard part? Showing takes time. I have to earn their understanding and appreciation...and their respect. I can not expect to change overnight...and it is not fair for them to expect it of me either...but the truly hard part for me is that it is hard to accept that I can't just wake up and be New and Perfect, lol.

If there are people in your life who are me a favor. If you see changes in them, for the matter how small...tell them that you notice. Let them know that you can see the good they are will encourage them and for a moment they will feel new and perfect and be inspired and eager to hear the next bit of praise.


Anonymous said...

this post is soo true. i feel the same way. that feeling of how your in someone elses body. doing things you hated before. i can truely relate.