Sunday, November 4, 2007

I NEED out of this house...

The funk I've been in lately just won't seem to go away and I'm contemplating going back on the medication. If I'm forced to be alone with myself, I need to at least be able to not make myself want to ram my head into a brickwall.
Because of my feelings lately I really need to get out of this house. Away from kids, away from the baby gate, away from t.v. and computer. I knew yesterday that a breaking point was coming if I didn't breathe fresh air that existed beyond my front porch and I knew that my husband would be off today (Sunday) so maybe I could take a break. 5 minutes after he walked in the door he said "We're gonna take the boys to (a friend's dad's) tomorrow."
I can not even begin to describe what the little cartoon character version of myself was doing at that moment. She was screaming, crying, throwing a fit in the floor...and then her head exploded. I, on the other hand, tried to remain cool and not freak out because I knew that my husband doesn't understand things like that and I'd end up feeling worse because I had started another fight with my utter selfishness. Tried was the key word there. Tears sprang to my eyes and I busied myself with emptying the dishwasher. Darn him though...he noticed and asked what was wrong in that 'Oh My God, she's crying AGAIN' attitude. Now ladies...what is the automatic response in this situation when you KNOW its only going to become a fight?? "Nothing" He asked again and I then became the martyr "Nothing...I'm fine." He walked away, typical.
Supper came and went and while outside for a smoke he asked again, "What was wrong with you earlier." This time nothing would just not be enough and I was right. We had a huge fight where I was told that I had him last weekend...that should be enough for a while. Does he not understand what its like being the only adult in the house for the majority of 5 days, with 5 kids...when I know they have a day off coming I'm super excited because I can look forward to speech without being accompanied by screaming, crying or excessive whining.
Well, this led to other topics to be argued and ended with me crying, alone on the front porch telling God that I just can't do this anymore. I don't even have a chance to photograph anything...the moment I think about stealing a few seconds Baby H will get into something, Lyll will be crying because she is in a room she doesn't want to be in and I need to open the gate so she can get wherever she's destined to be. Big H will be throwing a fit because I asked him to stay in the living room with the baby...which he was doing anyway, but now that I asked him to be there its a living hell. Ike and P will get into a fight because they can't keep their body parts away from the other one. Its just never ending and I NEED TO GET OUT!!!

Know what I mean? (btw, that is a phrase that annoys me. You know, when someone uses it over and over again in the same sentence??)


Indada said...

I know you like to take pics... go check this out, you might be interested!

Kendra said...

checked it out and signed Thanks :)