Friday, February 29, 2008

Realizations

A few days ago I blogged about (sortof) the movie "The Brave One". Melissa left a comment - and made me want to share something I realized last night :). Here's part of it: "...But I am "crushed" by stuff. Very much so. I don't "rise above" though I would like to. I know that for some people, difficult experiences make them stronger. With me, they chip away at my soul."

Being sick causes me to feel all-around crummy. Last night Sean and I were talking about our friends...how he feels closer to Chad with everything that's happened. I tried to make a simple statement...which ended up with crying and feeling like a dork. My statement was: "I feel that Jenn and I are more distant. So much has happened since the last time we lived together...I've changed so much."
7 years ago, when my son had just been born and Jenn and Chad were coming with their 2 sons to live with us, I felt like the world was at my feet. I'd just started working at the daycare. I was enthusiastic about teaching and my boss was giving me more responsibility. I felt that I had purpose.
A year later Chad was going to school in Florida and Jenn was with here dad here in Missouri. I had started college and was the Director for the daycare center.

Then my dad got sick in 2003. Now that I look back on it, I started having problems at the same time..but its taken me this long to really make a connection. I couldn't stay awake, I seemed to be sick all the time. I hated getting up in the morning and going to work, I wouldn't talk to anyone but the kids when I got there...I was not a fun person to be around. I took my daddy to Dr.'s appointments and as he spiraled, so did I.
I believe I was in mourning. I knew what was happening. I pretended to be strong so well that I fooled myself that I was fine...but my body was taking a toll.
I believe that the day my father died...a large part of me died as well. Every change, everything that we've been through - especially me emotionally - can be traced back to the summer of '03.

Its funny to be able to look back and know that part of you is no longer there...like watching a movie - I'm sorry, I just can't find the correct words to express this right now.

My point - the other night when I wrote that post I was thinking about myself being the one that 'rises above'. But...when it came to my father's death...it has crushed me and left me as a shell going through the motions of life and sometimes it feels like there is nothing making a connection inside me. No electrical current - no machine gears turning...just quiet, empty space.
And I know its because I no longer have him asking me to run to a flea market with him...or garage sales. I don't have to wait for him to stop talking to the cashier so we can leave the store. I don't get to hear his insane sense of humor (which I tend to share...but its not the same...) come from nowhere.
He was such an integral part of my life....

I realized, also, the reason I have not posted my blog of him.
I don't think I could honor his memory properly. I wish so much to make him come alive for you...and perhaps for myself. I wish that you could know the man I knew through my words....

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Interesting how perspective and time changes how we look at others. Willie's memories of his dad are quite different.
Tonya

Kendra said...

Tonya - I realize our memories are different. I wish every day, and especially at the funeral, that all of my father's children could have known him like I did. I don't know everything about him from before I was born...but I've heard it is a stark contrast. I do know, without a doubt, that the father of my life regretted the choices he had made in the past and loved every one of his children. Unfortunately, it truly was more than they would ever know in this life.