Realizations

A few days ago I blogged about (sortof) the movie "The Brave One". Melissa left a comment - and made me want to share something I realized last night :). Here's part of it: "...But I am "crushed" by stuff. Very much so. I don't "rise above" though I would like to. I know that for some people, difficult experiences make them stronger. With me, they chip away at my soul."

Being sick causes me to feel all-around crummy. Last night Sean and I were talking about our friends...how he feels closer to Chad with everything that's happened. I tried to make a simple statement...which ended up with crying and feeling like a dork. My statement was: "I feel that Jenn and I are more distant. So much has happened since the last time we lived together...I've changed so much."
7 years ago, when my son had just been born and Jenn and Chad were coming with their 2 sons to live with us, I felt like the world was at my feet. I'd just started working at the daycare. I was enthusiastic about teaching and my boss was giving me more responsibility. I felt that I had purpose.
A year later Chad was going to school in Florida and Jenn was with here dad here in Missouri. I had started college and was the Director for the daycare center.

Then my dad got sick in 2003. Now that I look back on it, I started having problems at the same time..but its taken me this long to really make a connection. I couldn't stay awake, I seemed to be sick all the time. I hated getting up in the morning and going to work, I wouldn't talk to anyone but the kids when I got there...I was not a fun person to be around. I took my daddy to Dr.'s appointments and as he spiraled, so did I.
I believe I was in mourning. I knew what was happening. I pretended to be strong so well that I fooled myself that I was fine...but my body was taking a toll.
I believe that the day my father died...a large part of me died as well. Every change, everything that we've been through - especially me emotionally - can be traced back to the summer of '03.

Its funny to be able to look back and know that part of you is no longer there...like watching a movie - I'm sorry, I just can't find the correct words to express this right now.

My point - the other night when I wrote that post I was thinking about myself being the one that 'rises above'. But...when it came to my father's death...it has crushed me and left me as a shell going through the motions of life and sometimes it feels like there is nothing making a connection inside me. No electrical current - no machine gears turning...just quiet, empty space.
And I know its because I no longer have him asking me to run to a flea market with him...or garage sales. I don't have to wait for him to stop talking to the cashier so we can leave the store. I don't get to hear his insane sense of humor (which I tend to share...but its not the same...) come from nowhere.
He was such an integral part of my life....

I realized, also, the reason I have not posted my blog of him.
I don't think I could honor his memory properly. I wish so much to make him come alive for you...and perhaps for myself. I wish that you could know the man I knew through my words....