Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Questions

I have a friend. I call her friend - I could only hope to be thought of as the same by her. She has this blog that has this weekly theme. The theme is being naked. Not traditionally speaking - didn't mean to scare anyone there :) - but its about having a naked mind, heart - baring the soul.

She entered my thoughts today and inspired me.
I owe it to all of you to follow her lead and be naked.
Want to know why I've been MIA lately? Its because I've been thinking - too much. My thinking leads to depression and apathy and hiding and wallowing. And its always the same subject. SO, I wrote it out in an attempt to purge it.
As I wrote it morphed...and I let it carry me to a real, gut-wrenching paragraph or two. Now, I share it with you. This is my mind...naked.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I can't keep my emotions under control. Does money, or the lack thereof, affect me so much? Is it the only thing that can make me content with life? If so, why? Is it stuff? Is it the act of buying - of being able to?
Is it completely me? Maybe its that I know how my family will act - short tempered husband. Does the same issue affect him?
Is it that I'm home all day to think about it? That I see the empty cabinets and fridge, that I'm faced with my children begging for every toy on every commercial...is it that my 4 year old knows enough to ask me if I have enough money for something?

But many people have money issues. Many Happy people. Why does it affect my mood so completely, like a dark cloud?
Should a rising bank account lift the veil and make life brighter - or is that only bad because a lowering bank account makes me dark...depressed...angry?

Is it because it all feels like my fault? It started with my father's illness and burnout - then his death - my daughter's birth - then severe depression and family issues. Now I'm home because it seems like its the best thing financially.
I'm supposed to be busy now - my photography was supposed to have taken off - I was supposed to have hi the ground running...

Supposed to. Should have.

Is a dream really a dream if you will fight everyone around you to make it happen - but when it comes down to it you don't fight yourself to let go of doubt and fear of rejection, and instead let it stop you in your tracks completely?

What if I fail at the one thing I want to do? The one thing that fills every waking thought...the one thing that I have dreamed about since I knew dreams existed...

What will I be then?

I was taught to dream - to dream big.
But not to attack the dream -
to merely wait, to hope,
to believe in it.
But not how to do it.
I was not shown how to attain it.
Dream without acting, believe without being...
Is it possible to learn now?
And where do I turn to find a teacher?
That is all.
Now please, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!, can I please get back to some funny shi*??? I'm sure your answer is yes and you know what...I actually do feel alot better, lol. Its amazing how that works :).