Dream Time Again

With all the strange dreams I've been having lately maybe I should start a dream blog.

So I had another dream, the night after Mr. Shaw, but I can't pick out the specifics. I know what the building looked like. It was rather old with these double wooden doors that led the way in. There was a man's name over the doorway...but for the life of me I just can not remember who he was. I think it also may have been sitting next to a ball field of some sort.
I was bounding down these stairs with some friends when I saw the music teacher from Glee, at the bottom. I called to him, knowing that he was my professor, and asked him something about the event that was going on that night. I know that at this point I was trying to connect something with the name on the door so I wouldn't forget when I woke up. He was vague enough to frustrate me and then I woke up. UGH!

Did I mention that the music teacher in Glee is HOTT? Wow!

Ahem.

I've discovered Hulu lately. I have tried and tried to find something to amuse myself and it has SO MANY SHOWS on it. I've been watching season 2 of Greek....and no, I don't have any idea why.

I realized a few nights ago that I might be smarter than I give myself credit for. I was doing research for my book/dream thing and found an article on time travel. It was very technical - and I understood every word. Seeeeee?! Watching all 10 seasons of Stargate WAS good for me :). TV does NOT rot the brain after all.

PS...my dog is a freak.

George Bernard Shaw? Seriously??

Last night I had this dream where I can't remember what happened before this moment, but I was standing in a room talking to someone about a book and writing. The book was old, with a brown leather cover, gold lettering and browned pages. Just then, a man came into the room dressed from the early 20th century with a beard, glasses, hat and brown tweed suit, complete with watch chain and vest. He was very dapper.
He carried one hand inside his lapel.
I immediately knew who he was and gushed, in a very intellectual way, over him. "Mr. Shaw...its an honor to meet you." He smiled kindly and said "Thank you." I then made some comment along the lines of "I would give anything to read the early, rough drafts of your work. I bet they are truly something" and he remarked, that yes, they probably were and that he had some trouble starting out as well.

I can only think that this was a subconscious way of telling myself to take it easy and not be so hard on me. I've been working on a 'book' from a dream I had a few nights ago and I have been feeling discouraged.

Anyway, we chatted a bit longer and he gave me a hug. The thought that entered my mind was not "wow, I'm hugging George Bernard Shaw" but "Hmm, how funny, the Irishman hugging a Scot."

Now, until this morning when I googled him, I knew absolutely nothing about him. I did not know when he lived, where he was from, what he had written or looked like. All I was aware of was his name.
Imagine my surprise when the first line I read about him was that he was Irish. Holy Crap?! Then I saw his picture....same face, only in my dream it was a tad rounder, with the same beard and eyes. In the first picture on the page he is even wearing the suit that he was wearing in my dream.

This is not the first time something like this has happened to me lately. I've been having these dreams at night, so vivid and odd. Unlike other strange dreams, that I seem to have nightly, these have specific details that stick with me until morning. I wake up and google 'demeter' or 'george bernard shaw' and find things that I never thought I knew. Then, out of the blue I do random searches and find even more things that came from my dreams, I just wasn't sure what I was looking for...but I found them! All I keep asking myself is: "How do I know these things? Where is it all coming from?"

Questions

I have a friend. I call her friend - I could only hope to be thought of as the same by her. She has this blog that has this weekly theme. The theme is being naked. Not traditionally speaking - didn't mean to scare anyone there :) - but its about having a naked mind, heart - baring the soul.

She entered my thoughts today and inspired me.
I owe it to all of you to follow her lead and be naked.
Want to know why I've been MIA lately? Its because I've been thinking - too much. My thinking leads to depression and apathy and hiding and wallowing. And its always the same subject. SO, I wrote it out in an attempt to purge it.
As I wrote it morphed...and I let it carry me to a real, gut-wrenching paragraph or two. Now, I share it with you. This is my mind...naked.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I can't keep my emotions under control. Does money, or the lack thereof, affect me so much? Is it the only thing that can make me content with life? If so, why? Is it stuff? Is it the act of buying - of being able to?
Is it completely me? Maybe its that I know how my family will act - short tempered husband. Does the same issue affect him?
Is it that I'm home all day to think about it? That I see the empty cabinets and fridge, that I'm faced with my children begging for every toy on every commercial...is it that my 4 year old knows enough to ask me if I have enough money for something?

But many people have money issues. Many Happy people. Why does it affect my mood so completely, like a dark cloud?
Should a rising bank account lift the veil and make life brighter - or is that only bad because a lowering bank account makes me dark...depressed...angry?

Is it because it all feels like my fault? It started with my father's illness and burnout - then his death - my daughter's birth - then severe depression and family issues. Now I'm home because it seems like its the best thing financially.
I'm supposed to be busy now - my photography was supposed to have taken off - I was supposed to have hi the ground running...

Supposed to. Should have.

Is a dream really a dream if you will fight everyone around you to make it happen - but when it comes down to it you don't fight yourself to let go of doubt and fear of rejection, and instead let it stop you in your tracks completely?

What if I fail at the one thing I want to do? The one thing that fills every waking thought...the one thing that I have dreamed about since I knew dreams existed...

What will I be then?

I was taught to dream - to dream big.

But not to attack the dream -

to merely wait, to hope,

to believe in it.

But not how to do it.

I was not shown how to attain it.

Dream without acting, believe without being...

Is it possible to learn now?

And where do I turn to find a teacher?

That is all.

Now please, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!, can I please get back to some funny shi*??? I'm sure your answer is yes and you know what...I actually do feel alot better, lol. Its amazing how that works :).