Thursday, July 29, 2010


A wise woman and I were talking tonight. She told me that there are people who get out of turmoil and turn around and go right back into it, because that is what they know. That is where they feel comfortable. She's right. We all know those people, the ones that drama seems to follow around like a chaotic doppleganger.

I realized something about me in that instant. I've always been proud not to be one of those people, felt sorry for them even - but they and I have more in common than I had ever realized. Depression is my crutch. I go back into it because its easy. Its so much easier to put a blanket over your head and hide than it is to get up and face the day. Depression is something I know, and while I wouldn't go so far as to say that it's where I feel is my doppleganger.

Then I realized something else. For years I have been begging God to release me from my depression so I can be a better mom/wife/friend/sister/daughter. I've been praying for a miracle and comfort for a weary mind and heart. I've been praying that I could just wake up and be the person that I wanted to be.
With every depressing day that went by, the highs and lows, I got discouraged...afraid that he wasn't listening to me anymore and that I had just finally gone too far from him to even see me anymore.

My life now? I no longer live with my brother and his family - people have things they need to learn in life and I have learned much more about myself, and how I interact with others, over the last few weeks. Now I live with a family friend, a woman that has always been like a second mother to me. I have no job...still. My van isn't doing the greatest...but I thank God that the transmission is holding out. Worst yet, my kids are not with me. They are living with their dad...
In other words, most things are pretty crappy. Last night, I had a rough time of crying into my pillow and praying. I prayed for encouragement and I asked God to at least hear my prayers for my family, even if I had lost his favor for my life.

Tonight I realized, yes, my life is an absolute mess. But, when I stood back and looked for a positive...something to hold onto...a silver lining to the mess - I see that this is exactly the answer to the prayer I've been praying for so long. I am being forced to deal with work on me. I'm at a place of decision and I know I didn't do the best I could to take care of the things God gave me. I've lost so much in my life....and I checked out of life so long ago. I was depressed when dad died...but there has to be a point where I pick myself back up and live the life he would have wanted me to live. Yet, I kept going back to depression because it was easier than living without him.

I must take baby steps. I must ease myself back into the world of the living and instead of looking at all this and feeling sorry for myself, or licking the wounds of my injured pride, I am the only one who can pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other. I scaled a great mountain in my life...more like rode a helicopter to the top, it was so easy...but I hit some loose gravel and fell back down the other side very hard. I'm a little broken and a little bruised...but wounds heal over time and I have to press on. I might still carry some scars, but they make me who I am...they give me character. I have to stop saying 'woe is me' and start saying 'I'm ready, bring it on'. I will get the job, I will get the place to live, I will spend time with my children....I will live my life as I've never lived it before.
I might have forgotten how to walk and talk...but I will learn it all again. It won't be easy. I will have to work hard...but at least I know now that my prayers have been heard and it may not have been answered the way I wanted, it has been answered. Some people are harder to get through to than others...I've always been told I'm bull-headed and stubborn...God knows what he's doing and I will trust in him.

Pray for me :)


bethany said...

Hooray for epiphanies and answered prayers, even though they may not be pretty. Sounds like a really rough place to be, and I sure know what crutches are like, mine are frustration and anger. Easier to be angry than deal. May things go up from here! Hugs.