Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Another Pathetic Attempt (and more from my life)

Yes, I failed again. Work has been kicking my butt lately - not that I mind in the least - but it leaves little time for anything else. On my days off, with a little money in my pocket for the first time in 4 years, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of the computer. I'm going to do my best to change that, to be here more often - you'll understand if I don't make any promises, though...right?

I am still loving my job - it seems a perfect fit for me...though I have realized in the last few days that I MUCH prefer it to be flat-out, crazy ass busy than to be the slow times in between. I would rather leave work feeling like I need a few rounds of alcohol than this zoned out mess that the boredom has created lately. I need overwhelming insanity to truly thrive, apparently.

Not only do I love the job, I seem to be doing well. It helps that I have an amazing boss - a rare thing in this world.

One of my coworkers lost 2 of her friends today to the careless actions of the driver of the vehicle they were in last night...she is only 19, so I have to assume that her friends were close to the same age. If you are the kind, please pray for her and the families of the two girls who lost their lives way too young. My boss' son witnessed the accident as it happened and tried to help the girls who were in the car....it was on fire and he says he can still hear their screams...I'm not sure he has slept since it happened. Please, pray for him as well.

Another coworker called in today as her soon-to-be father-in-law had a heart attack and she needed to be with her family. I haven't heard how he is doing, but please keep them in your prayers.

It was a strange day to be at work today, as you can see.

On a personal level, I went shoe shopping the other day. Such a strange experience to not only have my own money to shop with, but to also be able to enjoy it without someone questioning why i need shoes when I already have some or making me feel like shite because I'm spending any money at all on myself. I actually can kinda understand why some people enjoy shopping.

I realize that I'm much more crazed about how I spend my money when I'm the only one bringing it in...when I can only rely on me. I'm going crazy forcing myself to not let me run out before the next paycheck comes in - its a personal level of growth. To not be scraping the last bit of change just to have fuel in the car for the morning drive to work on payday. I actually had money left over this last friday from the payday before....Astonishing!

I'm allowing myself to be proud of me. Its not easy to do when so much of my life is screwed up - but its a screwed up that now has a happy possible outcome. Working towards saving money for my own place, paying off the king size bed I have on layaway....its giving hope for a bright future.

I've had to look at myself from strange angles over the last few months...since April my life has changed in drastic, scary and beautiful ways. I'm nearly 30 and I'm finally growing up...seeing my faults and instead of letting them depress me, I'm using them to change and get better. I like who I see in the mirror now. Not because of my size, or the sheen of my hair....nothing superficial like that....just because I am seeing me in my eyes again. I'm seeing the person I lost...and not only am I getting her back, but she is becoming better than ever!

The kids are doing great in school...Ike has had no issues with his teacher, which makes me insanely proud. I got video of Lylli actually reading some of a book and I wanted to cry, for many reasons really, but I'm insanely proud of her too. I have amazing children.
Last Saturday I took them to the Titanic museum in Branson. They each got a listening device and had fun punching in the numbers and being in charge of their own tour. They loved it and they keep asking me where we are going next weekend. Being able to get in free in Branson attractions is definitely a perk to this job...as if it needed any more :). Its also giving me the opportunity to be with my kids and just enjoy the day...I'm getting the chance to introduce them to new things.
I must find a silver lining in all of this if I am to survive it. I'm not blind to the imperfection of my situation, but if I can make wine out of lemons then I will, or die trying.