Thursday, September 29, 2011

Winds of Change

Well now..what a change I've been through recently.  Thought I'd update some.

I have found a new home. (Yay!!) Its a cute little 2 bedroom apartment near the kids.  It has a real kitchen with a real stove and I made biscuits.  I MADE BISCUITS!! the idea of making biscuits isn't the most exciting thing, hardly worth the use of all-caps....BUT IT SO IS!  I had only a 2 burner cook-top thing. One of those little portable stoves you'd use if your own real stove suddenly quit working.  I feel like a big girl being able to really cook now.  I was grocery shopping, now that I have a fridge larger than a very small child, and came across those huge biscuits in a can.  The ones that pop when you peel the paper off :)....which actually frightens me, every. Fricking. Time.


So, to honor my new apartment I did something completely unhealthy.  I treated myself to large buttery biscuits for the first time in over a year.  And they were good.  And I enjoyed them as I sat on my loveseat and watched Castle on Hulu.

I am a bad girl.

Whatever...don't judge me :).

I also read 2 entire books since I've been here.  The first one I read in a day and was so happy to have been able to do it, I nearly cried.

The second, and most recent, took me longer than a it was 1149 pages.  However, its been 2 weeks in my new place and it was not so amazingly awesome.  The book was.  The being able to do it in complete silence....not so much.

The place I've moved to is out in the middle of nowhere, Missouri.  I saw 6 deer on my road the first day I moved here...and its a 2 mile road.  I love that its quiet here. I love that its safe and, thus-far, bug free.  BUT...its too quiet sometimes.  At night when I am laying down...there is no breathing (or snoring) beside me.  No one to cuddle when I have a (frequent) bad dream.  During the day there is no arguing in the other room about someone not going through the Stargate when they were supposed to.  Instead there is a silence.  A silence so deep that even the birds are quiet for me.  I look out my window and not even the wind through the leaves on the trees will make them talk to me.  It is beautiful...and it is quiet.

Quiet is good, but when it makes you face the can be heartbreaking.

I struggle every day with what my life has become.  Although, who I've become allows me to appreciate where I used to be....and has helped me find the error in who I was.  I have learned to grow...though I know I'm not to my full height yet (I think I lost the metaphor somewhere...)

Some days, I feel like an appreciative caged animal.  Other days, I feel the peace of moving forward and hope...which I've needed.

I long for the coming days when the voices I hear are not just memories in my mind....and for the day when I can finally take the plastic off my mattress again and realize I don't have to be afraid anymore.