Monday, May 7, 2012

Things Change

I have experienced a few things since the last time I posted here.

A few weeks ago I had a severe headache that lasted for three days.  That turned into severe back pain and no sleep for 5 days. At that point I went to the ER and was told I had a severe UTI and was put on antibiotics and pain meds.  I went home, happy to have a solution. that Saturday night.  Sunday I couldn't breathe.  My stubborn self continued to try to smoke, but every inhale left me coughing.  Sitting at the computer was fine, but walking to the kitchen to get water, only 10 feet away, left me breathless.  Monday was the same and I tried to be strong and pray...but ended up back at the ER on Monday...which was when I was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia...and stayed there for 6 days.

Other than having my kids, I've never been in the hospital.  I went through my mother being in frequently for her asthma and then my dad a few times before he died...but never me.  I've lived for a long time now with this "I'll take care of my weight/smoking/health tomorrow" attitude.  Its not that I didn't want to change things about my life, I just had excuses for why I couldn't..or if I quit doing something unhealthy I would find a way to justify doing it again.

I felt like I had all the time in the world. 

For 6 days I didn't have a cigarette.  For 6 days I didn't even care.  I couldn't the thought of a cigarette just scared the crap out of me.  It has now been 2 weeks since my last cigarette.  Its hard...some moments or situations are harder than others.  I just make myself think about how excited my kids were when I told them I had quit smoking.  I think of the high-fives I've gotten from co-workers or the supportive hugs.  I think about the people I know who don't think I can I will feel when its a year later and I still haven't smoked and I have the satisfaction of being able to think to myself "HA!"

Thankfully, Dr. Pepper tastes like cough medicine to me and I can't even stand the thought of drinking it...which has helped me chug water and I am so thankful.  Soda and cigarettes were my main vices...ones that I'm not going to be a slave to anymore.

I'm also re-discovering my love for Christian radio...listening to Pastors like Alistair Begg and Lisa Harper...not cramming the noise that the world calls music into my ears constantly.  I'm finding a faith that I lost for a while and remembering who my Heavenly Father is.  Working Sundays makes it impossible to go to church right now, but I'm wishing that I could find a church family again...and that is a big step for me.  I'm realizing how much I need much I miss being able to sit and hear the word of God and be around people that love Him.  I just will need to remember that they are human too and if they fail me, God does not...and not the blame Him for their human-ness.

My divorce was finalized on March 28th.  Sean and I joked with each other during the waiting time for it and it was bittersweet.  Its a strange thing to not be married anymore...

 I've been going through a 'funk' the last few that I can't really get into on here...I have a lot of things on my mind....decisions that I don't know how to make and feelings that I don't quite understand.  Pray that God shows me answers....points me in the right direction. 

I'm not perfect...I still might fail in various things....I still have bad habits I need to conquer...but for the first time in my 'new' life I feel like I have a little hope and that I'm beginning the move forward.  I'm not treading water anymore...I'm in the boat and I'm heading toward the stability of the shore....Thank you Jesus :).