Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Journey to Motherhood: Part 1

There are a few women that I 'read' on a daily basis who are living lives of joy and sorrow in the motherhood department. I'm very happy for Veronica, who is newly preggers and I share in the feelings of Lotus who is still reeling from loss.
So...I have been inspired to share something that I found when we moved into our new place. When Sean and I decided to try having children I began a 'journal' type notebook in my purse. I wrote down my 'cycle' and documented the pregnancies.

Something most of you don't know about me is that I have 2 lovely children - but I have been pregnant 3 times. Lets begin there.

~Confirmed pregnant on Feb. 14th. Gave Sean positive test as Valentine's day present. Appointment March 17th with doctor to do paperwork and have first exam.
~March 14th night, begin having cramps, not bad though.
~March 15th day, 1:00 (about) lost 2 black clots about the size of a quarter. Later felt something come out about 2-3 inches long and solid. Bled heavy and steady for rest of night.
~March 16th, bled all morning, not as heavy. At 12:10 lost a clot with possibly some purple-ish tissue. Bled all day.
~March 17th still cramping and bleeding. Dr. put confirmed miscarraige, drove (to different town) where I had internal and external sonogram to see if it was complete. Was. No DNC.
Dr. put me on birth-control pills for 2 months. Stop end of 2nd. By endof 3rd, start trying again.
~March 29th still bleeding, but pain is gone. Dr. had me on 600 mg of Ibuprofin, 3x a day. Bleeding isn't heavy though.
~April 30th Hate the pills. Can't ever remember to take them. Have decided not to take them anymore

From May 1st to June 25th I charted my cycle with little sad faces. Though this 'diary' of events seems somewhat clinical - it was the only thing keeping me sane. What is not listed on here is what happened on the 15th when I went home from work early knowing I was losing the baby that Sean and I already cherished and feeling like it was my fault for having such a physically demanding job (housekeeper for a hotel). I never wrote about calling Sean as soon as I got home and asking him to come home so I could talk to him - or of us sitting on the couch and me choking back sobs as I told him that I'd lost the baby. I will never forget the look in his eyes. Pain and disappointment (but definately no blame)...a little grief.
I also never mentioned that this was only days before our 1 year anniversary.

When we found out we were pregnant we called Sean's family. His younger sister (my age) was pregnant with the 1st grandchild and his mother was pregnant with the last of his brothers. His mother and I shared a due date in October - his sister was due in July.
When sil's baby was born - the 4 hour drive to see them was painful. I knew that I would have to hear about the joys of the first grandchild and see a new mom holding her infant. I wanted to be supportive...but I wanted to die. I knew that I would see his mom's expanding tummy and that she and I should be lovingly competing over belly size.
I did have to deal with sil adding a middle name to her new baby boy - one that Sean and I had intended to use for our own son (and did anyway, lol)...I still think it was because she felt like we lost 'right' to the name, or that she was just trying to rub it in that she was first. Sad thing is - its the Spanish form of Sean's middle name. Geeez.
I was NOT happy.

That is the end of the first child's story with me, but I have comfort in the fact that I AM a mother of 3 beautiful children - I'm just blessed that one is growing up with God, and now my father. Isaac, and Lylli though she doesn't understand, know about mommy's other baby and are excited that they will get to meet he/she someday.

Something to end on: After my miscarraige my mother had a dream. She was at a grocery store buying baby items and had reached the checkout line. Formula and diapers were thrown into the bag and topped off with 3 items - baby sweaters. The colors are the most amazing thing: The first was black, the second blue, and the third was yellow. I KNEW in that moment that I would hold a baby in my arms - that I would have a boy...and then I would be surprised. I had hope...a hope and comfort that could only come from God, and I am so grateful that he thought of me in my despair and gave me peace.


Veronica said...

This was beautifully written. So sorry to hear about your miscarriage though.

Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) said...

That last part is quite beautiful. It's good to write these things down - both for yourself and others.

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

Kendra said...

Veronica: I know you requested stories of happy pregnancies, lol...but I had to start at the beginning. Tomorrow's will be better :).

Lotus: Thank YOU for sharing your story...it inspired me to share mine.

Melissa said...

I love how you think of your miscarried baby. I think that's really beautiful.