Boxes of Fun

Back in October, for Lars' birthday, I bought him a subscription to Loot Crate. It is this awesome nerd subscription box that comes every month. He has gotten a new t-shirt nearly every month and stuff from Walking Dead to D&D.  Everyone here is so excited when it comes in - absolutely worth the money.

Even though I would give just about anything for my own Loot Crate subscription (momma wants some t-shirts too), right now I just can't afford it.  I did find a girly thing to get.

I know, I know - I'm not very girly.  Even though my desk area at work looks like I might be...

Wait, wait, wait...that is what it DID look like.  My fellow managers decided to decorate my new office space when I recently moved back to IT.  I'm the only girl in that department....I got asked more than once if it was my birthday.  Nope......not my birthday......

I've toned it down a little more. The name is all that remains.

ANYWAY, I desperately wanted my own monthly fun box and I found one called Ipsy. Its a 'Glam' bag.  What it boils down to is a makeup bag, some make-up or other beauty product and perhaps a brush every now and then.  Its half the cost of the Loot Crate.

I just got the bag for June today (its my second bag) and thought I'd take some pics of it.  It had been a while since I'd used my tabletop studio so I got it out and snapped a few pics.

This month I got a body butter that I can't wear to work because its Vanilla scented (it gives a co-worker migraines), brown eyeshadow, turquoise eyeliner (wha??), nail polish and foundation primer.  I have no idea what foundation primer is...and I'm a little concerned about eyeshadow that is in crayon form.  I think I'll give this a couple more months to see what kind of variations I get.  Maybe it will inspire me to be more of a girl.....:)

I still wish it was a Loot Crate....I mean, look at this stuff!!

A lot of stuff is missing - like all of the t-shits, a cool watch with numbers that are hidden until you tap the face, a blow-up crown, a pair of Groot socks, 8-bit styled sunglasses and a D&D bow-tie. You can see that here.....you can also see where it went...

In short, every month I get a girly beauty bag and Lars gets a kick-butt, awesome nerd box and I'm jealous.  The up side is that neither of the kids are begging me for my stuff :).

Coming back up for air

Yesterday was an unpleasant day :(. I ended up leaving work early because of my stupid headache.  With the pain going into my neck and shoulders...ugh, it hurt to move.  I really planned to post yesterday but it would have been quite sad.  By quite sad, I mean more sad then this post will be :).

The piece of crap car I drive is still scaring the crap out of me.  I was able to make an appointment with the place I'm getting it from.  The lady sounded concerned and wanted to see it...not that it means she will help me though.  If they didn't check all this out before I got it, then I'm not sure I trust their judgement now.  I'll let you all know when I have some answers about that one.  BUT, today Lars and I drove over and bought new brake pads so when a friend of mine has time to fix the brakes, its all ready for him.

Wow...that was a boring intro.

Here's a flower-type thing to make it better...

Lars and I took another walk around the apartments today and I shot this. I took a couple others I'd like to share...

I just had to show off a smile from Maggie :).

I enjoy taking the .4 mile walk with him, which is only a lap, its just hard for me to get into it.  I quit smoking back in November of last year - for good this time - and my lungs aren't very strong still. I actually think it has more to do with my allergies.  When I'm not having a flare-up I seem to be able to go longer and faster.
Either way, I need to pick it up over the next year.  I'm going to be participating in my first 5k!  Its an insane idea, but it gives me a goal to work for.  Well, other than being healthier, showing my kids a better way...you know, all that other stuff :).
The idea for the 5k, which I never thought I would ever do, came from a co-worker. We started a 'Biggest Loser' type challenge at work  and money is a big motivator, but she took it a step further and at first I laughed, but I'm tired of laughing. I'm tired of my health being a joke to me, or anyone else.

Lars and I are trying to eat healthier and I've got my kids on board, for the most part. Ike is in football this year so with his workouts and everything else, his eating won't be affected. He is a growing, athletic boy - I'm not worried about him right now.
Lylli has been having issues at school with bullies and it just makes me sad for her.  I want her to be happy no matter what...but I want her health to be important to her too.  She is having fun finding low carb options for us and she's been making good choices when she's here. She wants to do the 5k with us so, now that summer has started, she will be swimming a lot and going on walks with us.

                                                                 Me and my Mini-me

Poor thing...she looks so much like me :P. 

Word Vomit

I have this problem. I can be outspoken...if I'm forced to. Wait, let me start over.

My mother always tells everyone that I'm outspoken, or points out that I'm always outspoken with HER, you know - to the point of being mean...and then I feel bad and want to hit something. Anyway...she's right, just not entirely. It takes a LOT. Like, but the time I tell someone off or become this 'outspoken' person, I've usually been holding my tongue for a long time and you've done one of at least two things. A)You've focused your stupidity/anger on someone I care about or B)You've become belligerant or have gotten to the point that you think you can say or do whatever you want. That's pretty much the point where you've just gone too far...and that is a different point for different people.

In my mom's defense, I am blunt. I'm painfully honest and if I don't like you, you'll know it - if you are observant....which if you are, then I'll probably like you. I'm a complicated person.

The reason for this tangent: My mother and I had a fight. As I mentioned before, my mother is getting married. Its been 6 years (Feb. 9th) since my father died and she and her fiancee were concerned about how I felt considering my father and I were so close. In all honesty, I am happy for her. She has known this guy since high school, though has only talked to him once (about 8 years ago) in a VERY long time. In January, she found him online and just wanted to see how he was doing. That mophed into catching up and, crazily enough, falling in love....at 62. So, yes, I am happy for her.
I'm not 12. Its silly to throw a fit about something when you are 28, married with children of your own....you know?

BUT - She went from saying "I'm talking to this guy..." to "The wedding is in April" within a month. Also, my mom was calling every day....and now I hear from her maybe once a week so the status changed from phone call to phone call. So, little by little, I started to get a little irritated. Why?

I've met him once, briefly. I'll get one week to meet and get to know him at the end of this month...and then she is leaving to go back to Texas with him and stay there for a week or two and then the wedding is at the end of April. I'll have a brand new Step-Father and will have known him for only a week. THAT is what I'm having the issue with, I guess.

Ok, so maybe there are others....

I've kept ALL of this inside, supporting her and being happy for her, until something just snapped a couple of days ago and I "word vomited" all over the phone. The first part (that I typed above) just kinda spewed out and all I wanted was to get off the phone before I said anything else. I clamped my jaw shut and growled at her that I needed to hang up. Course, she fought me..wanting to talk it out...then was just NOT the time.

Now she's all worried and wants to talk about it...but I don't. I just want to go back to being happy for her and get on with it. My fear - if we talk I'll vomit some more and I don't want to do that. Soon she'll be married and living with her husband in Texas and the kids will go there for some summer vacation and I'll travel there for the first time.....and I just want her to forget the conversation already.

Reflections on the Water

2 Sundays ago we took the kids (we being us and our best friends) to the lake. It was Lylli's first time fishing and the first time I've fished since I was a kid. She is an excellent caster - Like a Pro, Ya'll!!



This was Isaac's second time fishing. He was the proud user of a HUGE pole. He only nearly hooked his sister once :). Oh, and this face he's making - I SWEAR my son does smile. Really, he does. I snapped the photo seconds before his face lit up. Isn't he incredibly handsome anyway folks??



I don't understand the 'Conan O'Brian' thing his hair is doing in the middle. Oh wait, yeah I do. My mom was the last one to touch his head with scissors. UGH.
After we all got home we watched GI Joe - FanTastic Movie!! - and Lylli made us go outside afterwards to let her ride her bike. Now that she's over the fear of falling off from 2 feet off the ground she rides whenever she can.
The sky was absolutely incredible so I'll close this with 2 pictures of the sky :).





The sky actually looked like that. Breathtaking. I just wish I'd had my wide-angle lens on the camera so I could've caught more.

Tasteless Joking

Warning: This is not my normal post. It may contain material that will offend. Why do I post it then? Its my blog :). You have been warned.

So last night my husband and I went to our nephews' football games. We took a smoke break and I started talking about the tattoos that I want to get. I mentioned that I want to get one Stargate related....like getting the gate tattooed around my wrist if we could find a REALLY great artist that could do the symbols correctly.
Somewhere I had also asked something about it being sexy to have one on my lower back. I don't know how, but it got screwed around in his head that I meant my butt. I would NEVER do that, lol. I don't know what he was thinking.
BUT, he started cracking jokes about the gate on my rear end. These are the comments that had us laughing like two lunatics.

If you are not a Stargate fan you probably won't understand any of this. (I know Mackenzie's Momma will. *wink*)

• I can see your event horizon. (him)
• Let me take you to another world. (me)
• This wormhole is a one way trip only.
• Close the Iris - there's something trying to come through!
• Close the blast doors!

Dang...there were more. I'd ask Sean but he's snoring loudly in the other room. I'll ask him tomorrow and post the rest. Most of them were his anyway...I was laughing too hard and I think I might have lost some of them in my tears.

I can't believe I said that...

The other night my husband called and asked if my best friend and I wanted to meet them in Springfield (them meaning Sean and her hubby) at the bar. I'll take any excuse to get out lately so I said yes. I knew that they just wanted us to drive them home, but whatever...I was getting out of the house!

We got there and I had to wait for 5 minutes for Sean to find the front door (he was kinda plastered) so he could pay the cover charge. Then he kept trying to buy me a drink but I was trying to be good so I kept declining, which I think freaked him out a little which just fueled my resolve to not drink. Anyway, he kept begging me to dance.

He can not dance...especially when drunk. Normally it would irritate the hell out of me, but it was just really funny and other people kept looking at me pushing him away and I was just waiting for one of them to intervene...but no one did. But it would have been funny if they had.

The night just went on like that: Sean and Chad drinking, talking with the other 2 guys that were there about work, Sean rubbing on me 'trying' to dance and get me to dance. Jenn and I rolled our eyes at each other and laughed when Sean rubbed the bald head of a co-worker - A LOT. The first time the guy was squatting on the floor and jumped up and back when he saw Sean coming - I nearly spit out my coke.

Anyway, back to my point. We decided that the 4 of us would get something to eat afterwards. I hadn't eaten anything all day...or I guess it was the day before since it was after midnight by this time. We had a tough time getting the guys in the door. They kept talking, smoking and puking.

Finally Jenn and I made it inside and ordered drinks. Sean finally came in and sat next to me. He asked the waitress for colors so he could color the placemat, spilled his drink - it was like dealing with a freaking toddler! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time :).

So the waitress takes our order but Sean can't decide and keeps asking everyone what he wants, and he's coloring and there is soda everywhere. I order him some chicken strips with fries (what my daughter usually gets) and he just looks at me and says 'Ok' with this silly expression. I was laughing so hard by this time and the waitress had this WTF? look on her face which nearly killed me right there. I blurted out: "I swear he's not mentally challenged!" Jenn lost it, nearly choking on her soda, and the waitress laughs and walks off. Sean is looking at me like I've lost my mind and I'm barely able to stay in my seat because I can't believe I just said that...or even had the need to say that.

The guys got up a dozen times to go outside or to the bathroom and Jenn and I just sat there laughing over how crazy everything was when we were the only two sober.

Then there was a sobriety check on the way home and Sean kept making pork comments before the cop came to our vehicle. I told him that if he said anything I was going to stab him....he behaved but pouted the entire time.

Point of this story: If things are this much fun when I don't drink, I'm never drinking again. Maybe next time I can get Sean's butt kicked. I have something to look forward to.
Just kidding.......maybe.

The Long Hard Road

This is my sister and her (new!) fiance:


I had so many more pictures I would have liked to put with this post - but I can't find them. Either my mom has them or they are in the box I can't reach...ugh. Anyway.

In short, my sister is amazing. There is so much about her life I can't tell you, but I can say that its been difficult. Wrong paths taken, the right ones missed by mere moments. But there are wonderful things I can tell you about her.
I've been inspired by her my entire life. She's the most creative person I know - she can sing...and would take your breath away to hear her. She is an actress and I've only missed a few of her plays - but not by choice I can assure you. She'd let me tag along, when she was in college, to all of the homecoming-type activities (Montevallo, AL - Go Purple!) and let me interact with all her awesome, artsy, drama friends. She never made me feel like an outsider. Did I mention that she won best actress more than once in college??
To meet her is to love her. Period.

Over the last 12 years, or so, I haven't seen much of her - and felt that missing part of me constantly. Every time I saw her, for only a few days at a time, I saw something different about her. I knew, though she tried to hide it, that she was sad. Her life was not what she had intended (or what she was meant for). When we are young we think we have all the time in the world, but at some point it hits us that we are running out of time and their may not be any left to fix things. I think she just went through 10 years of realizing it, day by day.
A couple of months ago I saw her for the first time in 3 years - and for once she looked over than the constant 30 that I had in my head. (Ok, that seems old**...but you'd have to know me, lol. For years she was always 26...then the shock came when someone mentioned she was turning 30 and that has where she has stayed in my mind for the last 10 years. Um...sorry Mo :))
Her life was draining her - pushing her to the limits of human capabilities.

She has since left it behind. For hope, for a future...and has someone that she can truly share it with.

She and Jeff dated in high school (and a little beyond) but things ended in a fight...which DOES happen, lol. For 16 years they both led lives that were personally taxing.

But now - They are finally together again (much to the relief and sheer happiness of all their family and friends) and will be getting married January 31st. (I'd also like to mention that this is my first wedding gig...can anyone say EXCITED!?!)

** was reading over this and realized that I made 30 look old - but I'm nearly 30 now myself, so please don't misunderstand. Just to a woman, most of us always want to look 25, you know? Am I making it worse? lol

Caught

Here I was, sitting at the hubby's computer and minding my own business. I had a fresh image of my dog twisted at odd angles in a chair, trying to lick the remaining food off of my daughter's plate.

Then, my husband says, "Make him get down."

I turn around to see this:


I nearly peed myself (I say that a lot - I have 2 kids...what can I say?). He was slurping and dripping milk EVERYWHERE!

See?


And then he got his head stuck. Greed CAN do that to a body. (Or is it gluttony?)

Inappropriate Christmas Fun

In an effort to avoid my bedroom, complete with diseased husband, I decided to jot up a quick post about the Christmas conversation I referenced in my last post. It was just so...inappropriate...for Christmas - and I didn't want to forget it.

The scene: A room with my brother, his wife, the hubby, my mom, my 16 year old neice and her boyfriend and my childhood-pastor's...um...wife. (I don't think it'd be right for me to explain the 'um' there...but they are not currently in harmony....). Then we were later joined by my sister and her new fiance (!!!).
Moving on:

• Dennie (my SIL) telling me she feels sorry for the abuse I suffer (because of my husband's insanity, lol). She named them off: Physical, mental, emotional. They tried to think of more when my husband threw in Aromatically (cuz yes, he really does abuse me with his funk...often). Dennie thought he said Romantically - and the teenage boyfriend nearly passed out from embarassment. Especially when his potentional mother-in-law made us all realize that being abused romantically may not be all bad.
• I don't know how this one came up, but my sister asked about my gimp mask. I had NO clue what she meant - but, you know...had an idea. Cuz she's my sister - and she's funny like that. Wait. Like funny ha-ha......you know? Anyway, I didn't miss a beat in telling her that it was on backorder. And then my mother nearly died of embarassment.
• Drugs. Dennie had a headache and was in search of something to take care of it - and it led us down a very disturbing road. Especially when we all started sharing what pretty pills we had with us. Valium, Cymbalta, Darvocet, Percocet. Apparently we are a group of pharmecists...then we realized what a financial opportunity we had. We decided that the street name for stool softeners is Grease Lightening.
• Dennie took a valium. Through all the laughter I remember someone saying we should slip her some Grease Lightning and how she would shut down and crap in her sleep. My sister "She wake up and be all, 'I dreamed I was making snow angels". Me "Poo Angels!! And then the Neice and her boyfriend bolted.

Ahhh, Good times, good times. There was also a lot of other topics (like lesbians, small town rumors, and the fact that my mother is deaf and can't remember anything)...but, I probably shouldn't talk about those things :).

Hope your Christmas was as inappropriate as mine :)

THIS was Christmas :)

Wow, what an amazing day we had yesterday. I thought I'd throw in a few photos before I get the rest downloaded.
First - my son LOVES him some moon sand :)

Lylli got some new jeans from K-mart (thank God for a great Clearance sale. She needed these SO bad...and she is just adorable in them :))

My babies together by the tree.

After we opened presents we went to our extended Framily's house (friends/family). This is a shot of Lylli with bows in her hair. I hadn't done this in a while and I am so glad I did...isn't she just a doll??


Then, after we went there we drove out to my brother's house to see him and his family. He got out his guitar and played for us a bit. Then Becky, a friend of the family since I was a kid, showed up. Totally inappropriate Christmas conversation followed and we laughed until we all nearly peed on the couch due to our old age.

My sis and her new Fiance!!! Jeff arrived and even more (worse?) inappropriate conversation came around. I haven't laughed that hard in a while :)

Halloween!

I know that Hypothetical Thursday is late...I'll do that first thing in the morning. This has been such a weird week and I'm suffering from puppy brain :).

I thought I'd share a few pics from tonight:

This year I decided to dress up - as what I had no idea. Unfortunately, most costumes don't come in my size so I was limited to the neck up and a mask was out of the question. With the way I sweat? Yeah...right.
Obviously I decided to go with Originality. I had envisioned my makeup looking much cooler and close to that from the last movie - I ended up looking like Jack's version. Oh well, it was fun anyway.
Yes I still have green hair - and I'm going to bed with it that way...I like it so much I'm not sure when I'll get around to washing it out. (just kidding - its so stiff I expect rats to make a nest out of it in the middle of the night.)

Ike never was sure what he wanted to be for Halloween - even after I had bought the costume he told me to buy. Lylli, on the other hand, knew way back in September when she first saw the dress in Wal-Mart. OMG - its been in her closet for 2 weeks and EVERY FREAKING DAY I've had to hear about it. I'm so glad Halloween is over so it can become her attire for the next year. Hey, it means less dirty laundry for me :).

From the day we got him - I think minutes after Sean walked in the door - I knew I had to get Chance a costume. I was thinking something a little...well, more - but Sean and the kids picked this out and it actually turned out to be a hit.It has a hat to go with it, but he was having NONE of that. Watching him try to bite it off was the funniest thing ever though - and the rider got it at least once during the night.
You can't see it that well, but its a saddle with a cowboy on it.

Another Introduction: Chance

Oh gosh, I have more amazing news. Sean and I have wanted to add to our family for a long time - something small and cuddly. We've held off for various reasons and Sean just didn't seem like he was into it.

UNTIL - Last night Sean came in as I was on my way out to take Ike to his parent-teacher conference (you don't want to know - but good thing is my son is a spelling genius...like is mother, lol). He was covered in dog hair. I assumed it was from the dog's at his work but asked him anyway and he said "Our dog." Yeah...it took me a second to catch on. I started to flip out with the excitement and was a little nervous to what he was getting out of the truck. Then I saw this face:

Love at first sight people - seriously. He just cuddled up in my arms like he's known me forever *gush gush*.

After Ike and I got back, the family drove out to Wal-Mart to get the needed supplies and argued over what his name should be - Isaac went through every boy name he's ever known from school and finally we decided on Chance. Like: This is his second chance.

Apparently, someone Sean knows through work just found him wandering around their neighborhood - and its getting cold out there.

Sean loves him - and its definately mutual. He loves just curling up in Sean's lap and sleeping.

(though he's not sleeping in this pic - he saw the camera and just sat up and posed for me *more gushing*) Then after photos were done he curled up around my camera - a dog after my own heart :).
I gave Sean some puppy dog eyes of my own last night and Chance got to sleep with us - and slept by me ALL NIGHT! I'd move and feel this little furry body and go 'awwww'.
We have no idea how old he is but discovered last night that his teeth are still small and sharp - and he only has a few of them. I did some research online today and I think he's a Japanese Chin (type of Spaniel) but his hair hasn't grown out yet (or he's mixed with something). He's potty-trained as far as I can tell - he hasn't gone in the house and has gone out with us when we smoke and potties then.

I'm in LURVE!!

My Sis

So I've written a post about my parents and being the youngest in a family of 9 kids - but I haven't talked about those kids a lot. Why? Because I hardly know any of them...and I hate it more than any of them could ever know.
Out of the 9 I have only lived with 3 for any length of time. One of my father's daughters and 2 of my mother's children (though my family never seperated it that way). Of course, I was unkind to my father's daughter, Jeannie, when we would fight. I said horrible kid things like "you're not really my sister"...things I'm ashamed of now. (I'm really sorry, Jeannie.)
Monique is my sister, and the oldest child I grew up with - yet that statement seems so strange to me. With her being 12 years older she was away at college before I began to love the fact that I had her around. She was crazy in high school - dressed up like Boy George, wore trashbags to school with a belt, and would wear one nightgown to bed and put on a different one to wear to school. I hear my parents were a permanent fixture around the school (but don't for one second think that my brother wasn't ever the reason for that, lol).
Everyone loved her - everyone always has. She has that magnetic personality that no one can resist. That and she's super talented. She's a singer and an actress - bigger than life. Oh...and a klutz. She has sat down at a table only to have it collapse around her a second later and at my grandmother's funeral she wrapped one foot around the chair leg and it fell asleep. When we got up to view the body she forgot and the chairs from where she was and back toppled over like dominoes. I once watched her performing in college as the evil stepmother in Snow White - she fell off the back of a platform on stage during a big 'mirror' scene.

And I wanted to be just like her.

She's been married twice - to men that did NOT deserve her and broke her heart. For the last 15 years or so she has lived a 'lost' life - jumping from one place to another and losing her happiness...her soul, along the way. I've seen her age more in the last 4 years than in her entire pfmmmm year life.

But...now there is hope. Forgive me for not being able to post more about 'hope' now...but I will :).

While she was here we went bowling (sooo fun). I'll post pics as soon as I get them edited - I've been in a funk lately (broken record). Sean had a little more to drink than he normally does which resulted in a lost 20 minutes while I gave him my food order - a pretzel with cheese. That man nearly caused me to lose what little mind I have left. No more drinky-drinky for him.
He did nearly take out the annoying teenagers next to us with a bright orange bowling ball when he was dancing before he rolled and lost his grip.
I can't wait to see her again - she wants me to take photos of her...and with her background I can see some really creative shots coming your way :).

Family Reunions Part 2

Sean and I drove to Oklahoma on Saturday to see his step-sis. (I love seeing them!) We left later than we had planned to and then this happened:

THAT is the photo of a blowout on HWY 44 at mile marker 24, lol. We had passed someone and were moving back into the right lane when we kinda heard a little pop and the van felt slightly funny. Even he wondered what it was, but by the time that we got to the side of the road we knew something was wrong. Thank goodness we had a donut AND he was with me when it happened. Yes, I am one of those women that can not change a tire.

We finally got there around 1 to a great surprise. Sean's step-mom, that he hasn't seen since he was 9, and 2 brothers (that he's never met before) were there. I have always wanted to meet Rosie and he has ALWAYS wondered about his brothers and wanted to meet them. As soon as he could he got them in the car with him and they went to Wal-Mart to get a tire. He was on cloud 9.

Willie is on the left and Roy is on the right. This shot is funny because we had put them in front of a bush - one of them spied the neighbor's dirty truck and said they should stand in front of it. We all laughed...then someone noticed the duck on the antennae and all was lost. See the duck above Roy's head?? They are definately brothers, lol.

*Sigh* There is so much wrong with this :). But this one is worse:

This is a shot of everyone. From left to right: Rosie, Willie, Sean, Roy, Erica and Baby E.

Oh, and if you've ever wondered about the pockets on pants like Willie is wearing: They can carry a 2 liter bottle of coke, no problem. I think he could have put Baby E in there, lol. We had SUCH a good laugh over the soda. What I wish I had gotten a photo of was his coat. He had a trench coat that kicked totally a$$.

And last, but NEVER least, I don't know if any of you remember, but Sean lost his half-sister in March of this year. Her name was Gloria, and while I still will not talk about the details of that day, I wanted to share something special with you. Rosie is her mother and brought this with her:

Gloria was cremated and this is one of the few 'urns' that hold her. Sean is the one holding the heart in the photo. I choked back a tear as I took this - but HAD to take the shot. You are missed Gloria, even by those who never got to meet you.

Oreo's Debut

At 2 am, when I was trying to fall asleep, I realized I had not blogged yesterday as promised. I fought with myself about getting up and blogging right then - but it would not have been the entry about Oreo - it would have been a rant...one that I may write in a day or two. But, now that I've had a few daylight hours alone to watch real tv, I've decided that I must make good on the words of my last entry.

When I described Oreo, I should have said that she's nocturnal - and that wheel sounds like a coffee pot brewing when she's running on it. My kids LOVE to stand by her cage and say (in cute baby voices) "Oh, she's a cute wittle baby...Awwwww....such cute little feet". Its adorable really.

When Isaac was holding her the other day she nestled into his hands and cleaned her fur. I noticed that he is the only one she will do that with and I mentioned that she feels safe with him. He lit up like a Christmas tree.

Ok..enough teasing :) Here she is in all her tiny glory:

And that is 'nearly' actual size, lol. You can see from the photo that she has a black face and white middle. She also has a black tushy - which gives her the name Oreo...like an Oreo cookie.

Ignorance and The Fool

So, tonight Sean and I were going to go see Hancock. My mother called about 4 to tell me she couldn't watch Lylli tonight. I thought, 'No big, we'll just take her with us.' I even told her all about the movie and got her excited and by 'excited' I mean I had to answer the "We're going to a superhero movie?" question a thousand times on the way to Springfield.
Since Sean and I had to drive seperate vehicles I told him to go get the tickets and Lylli and I would meet him at the restaraunt. When he finally got there he told me that there was a sign at the theater that said "Children under 7 will not be admitted to PG-13 (and above) movies after 5pm". WTH??
Shouldn't it be my right to not take my child to a PG-13 movie? And, when most adults work until 5, when else are they supposed to take their child to the movies? AND if you won't allow my child into the PG-13 movie why don't you show at least one child's movie after 4 pm??

So, we ate and headed on over to Toys R' Us to use Lylli's birthday card from Geoffrey the Giraffe. That trip would have been more exciting if they hadn't stuck the Star Wars stuff right at the entrance. Once Sean caught sight of it we were stuck there for a while. By the time we got to the Princess and Barbie aisle the store was closing :(. But, Lylli got a cute birthday balloon and crown and used her $3 off coupon for a Barbie purse and necklace set (Sean's idea).
In the car, as we were leaving, Lylli said it was the 'best birthday ever'. Gah, she is just so cute!

BTW, Lylli, my little Princess, will be 4 on the 13th. I can not believe that she is that old already. She amazes me every day. She is addicted to poop/fart jokes and loves to smack people's butts. Its like her greeting.

And now, for the second part of the title: I found this quote tonight and fell in love with it. Its my new mantra, lol.

“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks to much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laught and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”
- From Love me, love my fool: Thoughts from a psychoanalyst’s notebook by Theodore Isaac Rubin

Extreme Heat

Since my last post I feel better, though my son's attitude seems to be getting worse. I look forward to, and yet dread, school starting. Ike's teachers have already said that he should have counseling this school year. He is kinda OCD about things and they (and I) am afraid its affecting his relationships. Other than that is his weird temper, brought on by frustration. I just have this vision of him telling a counselor that he hates me, that I'm horrible and mean...God only knows what else...and then them calling social services or something. I really just don't know what I should do. And, quite honestly, I don't want them telling me he needs medication. I'm on the fence about this - I've seen where it has helped kids, but that was one case out of many. (I was a childcare center director for 3 years) I've seen plenty.

In other news, our house has been unbearably hot. Its been in the high 90's here, but the interior of my personal breadbox has been hotter than the outside temps. Part of it was due to our AC not wanting to work all the time and the other part was our fault. When we put our furniture in we stuck everything on the outside walls, which meant that our couch covered one air vent. So, the other night my husband and I got ambitious and changed the whole living room area around - and NOW it finally feels like a living room. Now it feels like home :). I'd take a picture and upload it if my entire family wasn't in various sleeping positions in it, lol. I'll wait on that one.
Sunday, since it was so hot in the house, I took Lylli to see Wall-E. I thought it was okay, but Lylli proclaimed it was AWESOME! as we were leaving the theater. Its funny because I don't remember her watching a whole lot of it. Most of it was her pacing around in our empty aisle.

Honestly, though - it was so hot outside and in our house that I would have watched PeeWee's Playhouse...I was desperate for a cool place to sit for a few hours.

Day after Day

Day after day...they merge into a week and before long the month is over. And what do you have to show for it? Nothing.

Obviously, I've been down lately. Some days the fight is harder than others and when you add extreme heat, headaches and breakdowns into it - well, its not any easier.

I decided to blog about Ike's breakdown that happened at Sean's final softball game. It started when I saw him push a kid down in the sand pit. I told him to come sit down beside me for a while. He argued and ran from me. Eventually I got him to sit down on the grass...but he kept moving from the spot I put him in. I tried to not let it get to me by watching the game and dealing with Lylli - I even tried to get a few pictures. At some point in that 3 minutes he felt a raindrop (they were extremely sporadic) and asked if he could go get his shoes. I told him yeah, but to come right back to his spot. A couple of minutes later and he had not come back.
I'm not totally sure how long it had been...it was not long - 2 minutes is a stretch.
Anyway, I looked around and he was nowhere to be seen. I kinda freaked out. You see, Ike is always telling me he hates me or that he's going to run away and pretty much anything else he can think of to scare the crap out of me.
I asked H if he'd seen Ike and said that he had gone to the bathroom with Jenn's other son. I waited until P came back...and didn't see Ike. So I asked him and realized that Ike was now hiding under the bleachers. I brought him out of there and made him sit beside me on the bleachers. When I touched his arm he freaked out like I was squeezing him to death.
He kept scooting from bleacher to bleacher and the point was for him to just listen to me and sit where I told him to. Listening was the problem, get it?
Anyway, Jenn and I each took an arm at one point to move him closer to us and he freaked the f*** out. Jenn's boys were playing with a frisbee thing and I got up and stood in the middle while they through it over my head, trying to distract myself from Isaac. He freaked out again because he wanted to play. Lylli had to go pee so I started walking away with her and told him to just stay there and I'd be right back. The whole LONG way to the bathrooms I could hear Ike screaming behind me a variation of this:
"I Hate My MOTHER!!"
"MY MOTHER is the Worst Mom in the world!!!"
"I wanna Play!!"
And when I came back Sean was talking to him and he was sitting quietly on the bleacher, but people, I had enough. I escorted him and Lylli out to the van in the parking lot and tried to talk to him.

I got in the truck with Sean, while Jenn and Chad drove all the kids home, and cried the whole way. (even after their van broke down and Sean drove 90 trying to get home so he could get our van and go pick everyone up.) I didn't even realize he was going 90! I was that upset.

I'm at my wits end. Every day he wakes up and it seems like he's waiting for a reason to scream or have a sarcastic tone. Him hating me happens for many reasons: I don't let him pick the movie, I ask him to pick up his toys, I don't buy him the hundred dollar toy from Wal-Mart, I won't let him go to someone's house (for any reason). I have tried EVERYTHING...literally. Well, short of beating the crap out of him or leaving him in a box in the park, lol (chipmunk's reference).

If anyone has any good ideas I'd be happy to listen...otherwise, thanks for letting me vent. Please someone tell me this is a 5-7 year old thing and that he will grow out of it soon. He is such an amazing little boy when stuff like this isn't going on.

Stretched Thin

Summer is definately getting to me. I had hopes that the sun would rejuvenate me, and things were going well until summer actually hit us. Spring was a dream filled with water-hose fun and minor sunburns. The days were perfectly warm...

and then HOLY $HIT ITS HOT OUT THERE began.

I'm stuck in the house all day with the kids, but give me a day off and I will STILL stay in the house. I just don't do well with the whole 'sweating eyeballs' thing. Oh, and staying in my house isn't much better. Our A/C is junk. I can't do laundry during the day because the dryer and A/C together trip the braker (breaker?) and you *think* the A/C is on, but it tricks you by blowing warm air. Then, about 5 pm it gets unbearable in here...like an oven. I can just feel my liver cooking!

and heat gives me migraines....so yeah, that sucks.

In addition to the heat wearing me out, my mother lives here now. Every day or morning...or afternoon, that I have *off* she's calling me wanting me to take her somewhere. I'm ok with going places every now and then...but I'd like some time to myself where I don't have to focus on someone else.

Oh, and one other thing - I'm having some issues with our best friends. I won't go into it here like I'd like to - I don't think they ever read it, but I need to talk to them before I tell the rest of the world, you know?
Its just that it has been going on for a while and I'm just too passive. I can get hot-tempered and angry but I usually hold it in, tell Sean about it...and then eventually blow up. I'd like to take care of it before I lose my $hit all over the place....but I know me better than that.
More than anything I'm worried I'll say something stupid and make the issue 100 times bigger than it really is...and there is a certain person involved who can blow things out of proportion. I just don't need to be blamed for ruining a 15 year old friendship, lol.

Hello again :)

I can't remember the last time that I didn't blog for 5 days...it seems unreal. Mainly because days seem to blend into one another lately.
In all likelyhood, 5 days doesn't seem like a long time to any of you - but keeping this blog going daily was one of my goals for the year...and I have been letting myself down quite alot lately. In areas other than blogging, as well.

Since the last time I updated I've made myself busy by plurking and I enjoyed a book,something I haven't done in a long time. I've also run my mom on errands, attended softball games...and mainly just hid.
I go through periods where something will smack me upside the head and I withdraw. I shrink away from everything around me...especially things I enjoy like this blog and my photography...which just makes the feelings worse.

I had planned to blog today about the book I just read. It was not what I thought it was, but by the time I realized it I had already been sucked into its pages and found myself unable to put it down - much like the plot of the book. Its called 'The Historian' by Elizabeth Kostova.
Then I got ready to leave for my husband's softball game and the feelings that I loathe so much crept over me. They crawled onto my skin, blending into the water drops in the shower, so easily that I didn't realize they were there until it was too late. By the time I was standing in front of the mirror in my bedroom, naked and alone, they were crawling through my veins and whispering ugly nothings in my brain.
Through them I noticed a new bulge....
By the time we reached the game and every one of my friends and family rushed off to look at a coworker's new truck, they had eaten away at every positive feeling I have about myself and I stood alone in the middle of the parking lot, watching after those I love as they raced to gawk, feeling very out of place.
And then a thought hit me...a thought I have pushed away often in my attempts to shield myself from pain...and nearly knocked me to the ground.
I am the 'token' fat girl.
She is in every group - whether she is just slightly heavier than her Barbie friends, or she is Me...quite larger than those around her. Generally she's loved because she sees life in a fun or interesting way - the sweet one, the listener.......but I am not really any of those things.
Because I live with depression...and don't take my meds often enough, I know.
But that does not hide the fact that I have allowed myself to get way out of control. I can not hide my weight like I did when I was younger. You'd be amazed how well I could hide my 200 pounds in those days. But, dear friends, I am not 200 pounds anymore...not by a long shot.

I'm scared and I'm sad and it feels so hopeless. I have my excuses and I must admit they are lame. I am also tired - tired of the remarks that I hear behind my back, tired of the the sideways glances and stifled giggles of teenage kids, tired of not having clothes that fit, tired of not seeing the woman in the mirror that I feel I am - perhaps I'm just tired enough to finally get my life under control....
Please send kind thoughts my way...pray for me if you do...

At this moment I feel like a single star in the sky - surrounded by millions of other stars, but suddenly aware of the vast distance between us and feeling so very alone.