Saturday, July 12, 2008

Hello again :)

I can't remember the last time that I didn't blog for 5 days...it seems unreal. Mainly because days seem to blend into one another lately.
In all likelyhood, 5 days doesn't seem like a long time to any of you - but keeping this blog going daily was one of my goals for the year...and I have been letting myself down quite alot lately. In areas other than blogging, as well.

Since the last time I updated I've made myself busy by plurking and I enjoyed a book,something I haven't done in a long time. I've also run my mom on errands, attended softball games...and mainly just hid.
I go through periods where something will smack me upside the head and I withdraw. I shrink away from everything around me...especially things I enjoy like this blog and my photography...which just makes the feelings worse.

I had planned to blog today about the book I just read. It was not what I thought it was, but by the time I realized it I had already been sucked into its pages and found myself unable to put it down - much like the plot of the book. Its called 'The Historian' by Elizabeth Kostova.
Then I got ready to leave for my husband's softball game and the feelings that I loathe so much crept over me. They crawled onto my skin, blending into the water drops in the shower, so easily that I didn't realize they were there until it was too late. By the time I was standing in front of the mirror in my bedroom, naked and alone, they were crawling through my veins and whispering ugly nothings in my brain.
Through them I noticed a new bulge....
By the time we reached the game and every one of my friends and family rushed off to look at a coworker's new truck, they had eaten away at every positive feeling I have about myself and I stood alone in the middle of the parking lot, watching after those I love as they raced to gawk, feeling very out of place.
And then a thought hit me...a thought I have pushed away often in my attempts to shield myself from pain...and nearly knocked me to the ground.
I am the 'token' fat girl.
She is in every group - whether she is just slightly heavier than her Barbie friends, or she is Me...quite larger than those around her. Generally she's loved because she sees life in a fun or interesting way - the sweet one, the listener.......but I am not really any of those things.
Because I live with depression...and don't take my meds often enough, I know.
But that does not hide the fact that I have allowed myself to get way out of control. I can not hide my weight like I did when I was younger. You'd be amazed how well I could hide my 200 pounds in those days. But, dear friends, I am not 200 pounds anymore...not by a long shot.

I'm scared and I'm sad and it feels so hopeless. I have my excuses and I must admit they are lame. I am also tired - tired of the remarks that I hear behind my back, tired of the the sideways glances and stifled giggles of teenage kids, tired of not having clothes that fit, tired of not seeing the woman in the mirror that I feel I am - perhaps I'm just tired enough to finally get my life under control....
Please send kind thoughts my way...pray for me if you do...

At this moment I feel like a single star in the sky - surrounded by millions of other stars, but suddenly aware of the vast distance between us and feeling so very alone.

4 comments:

Amy said...

I think I know how you are feeling. Sometimes I think I try too hard to be happy and other times, I dont know if I ever will be. Hang in there sister! :)

Teena in Toronto said...

I hope you're feeling better soon.

In the meantime, Happy blogoversary!

My Life My Life My Life said...

Lady I will definetly pray for you...just remember you are most definetly not alone. Take care.

Kendra said...

Thank you so much :)
Honestly, the only thing that gets me through those times is knowing that I'm not the only one...just wish I was surrounded by more people like me, lol.

And, I can't belive I 'missed' my blogiversary...I'm gonna have to make up for it.