Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Word Vomit

I have this problem. I can be outspoken...if I'm forced to. Wait, let me start over.

My mother always tells everyone that I'm outspoken, or points out that I'm always outspoken with HER, you know - to the point of being mean...and then I feel bad and want to hit something. Anyway...she's right, just not entirely. It takes a LOT. Like, but the time I tell someone off or become this 'outspoken' person, I've usually been holding my tongue for a long time and you've done one of at least two things. A)You've focused your stupidity/anger on someone I care about or B)You've become belligerant or have gotten to the point that you think you can say or do whatever you want. That's pretty much the point where you've just gone too far...and that is a different point for different people.

In my mom's defense, I am blunt. I'm painfully honest and if I don't like you, you'll know it - if you are observant....which if you are, then I'll probably like you. I'm a complicated person.

The reason for this tangent: My mother and I had a fight. As I mentioned before, my mother is getting married. Its been 6 years (Feb. 9th) since my father died and she and her fiancee were concerned about how I felt considering my father and I were so close. In all honesty, I am happy for her. She has known this guy since high school, though has only talked to him once (about 8 years ago) in a VERY long time. In January, she found him online and just wanted to see how he was doing. That mophed into catching up and, crazily enough, falling in love....at 62. So, yes, I am happy for her.
I'm not 12. Its silly to throw a fit about something when you are 28, married with children of your own....you know?

BUT - She went from saying "I'm talking to this guy..." to "The wedding is in April" within a month. Also, my mom was calling every day....and now I hear from her maybe once a week so the status changed from phone call to phone call. So, little by little, I started to get a little irritated. Why?

I've met him once, briefly. I'll get one week to meet and get to know him at the end of this month...and then she is leaving to go back to Texas with him and stay there for a week or two and then the wedding is at the end of April. I'll have a brand new Step-Father and will have known him for only a week. THAT is what I'm having the issue with, I guess.

Ok, so maybe there are others....

I've kept ALL of this inside, supporting her and being happy for her, until something just snapped a couple of days ago and I "word vomited" all over the phone. The first part (that I typed above) just kinda spewed out and all I wanted was to get off the phone before I said anything else. I clamped my jaw shut and growled at her that I needed to hang up. Course, she fought me..wanting to talk it out...then was just NOT the time.

Now she's all worried and wants to talk about it...but I don't. I just want to go back to being happy for her and get on with it. My fear - if we talk I'll vomit some more and I don't want to do that. Soon she'll be married and living with her husband in Texas and the kids will go there for some summer vacation and I'll travel there for the first time.....and I just want her to forget the conversation already.


Mackenzies Momma said...

I do the word vomiting thing too so I totally get it. It takes a LOT to push me to the point of word vomiting though but when I do? It's not pretty at all.

So *hugs* and if you need a whatever...I'd be happy to listen (or read or...)