Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Like a Pheonix...

Wow...let's hit the revive button, shall we? Man it has been WAY too long :). 

I've got plenty of time to let everyone know where I've been and what I've been experiencing, but honestly I'd like to start with why I'm back.

About a week ago, a friend jokingly told me that I wasn't interesting enough for a project.  I'll admit - I have my vain moments and I want to be as awesome as the next person; it hurt my feelings. The main thing is that I know he didn't mean it and I believe if he knew how it impacted me, he would feel bad.
The wonderful thing about what he said is that it opened my eyes to the fact that no one in my current life has been around with any amount of true longevity.  Well...that doesn't sound very wonderful, but let me get where I'm going :).
Now, my mom is around (lives with me, actually) but doesn't count in this situation.  My mom and I had such a strained relationship that I didn't really let her know me.  Not because she was a bad person, but because I was just so closed off for such a long, dark period. My friends from school have been reduced to facebook status updates...or I lost them in the divorce.  The man that knew me from school, and shared my life for 13 years, lives in another town now and has a new lady in his life. (I don't mean that sarcastically at all - she really is a sweetheart and I'm glad my kids know her.) Our contact consists of conversations about the kiddos and very rare walks down memory lane.  Most of my siblings are scattered all over the country and even with such amazing technology at our fingertips, we never communicate with anything more than a "Like" on facebook.

When my friend asked me if I'd done anything interesting before I got to where I am today, I was like "hell yeah!", but then asked if I'd ever been in the military, gotten over some hardship, etc.  I started thinking about those around me every day and what I know of their stories.  I knew that a lot of them were more 'interesting' than me and I let it drop with a chuckle and mentioned that one time I was interviewed for a magazine in Columbia, MO.  What it boiled down to is that the things that make me even borderline interesting...aren't things that I'd want to discuss in the light-hearted type of project he is working on. 

I went home and started thinking about all of the friends I had all over the world. I thought about the people that showed an outpouring of support that one Christmas that we were really needing it. I found that time I had the perfect afternoon...or that one time I admitted my crush on Steve from Blue's Clues....and this amazing quote that I wish I had truly held onto over the last few years.  I needed to read this:

“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks to much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”
- From
Love me, love my fool: Thoughts from a psychoanalyst’s notebook by Theodore Isaac Rubin

Now for the wonderful - he caused me to realize that the only reason in my people in my life don't know my story is because I don't share it. I don't put myself out there any more.  I don't let anyone into my world.  Sadly, that even includes my now-and-forever husband, Lars. I have let the Masterful Tyrant control too many aspects of who I am and I have lost some of my humor, my ability to love completely, and my willingness to take chances and be silly.  Even though I'm proud of who I am now...there are things about who I was that I miss...and I MISS having crazy people online to swap stories with.

I want to be my version of interesting again....will you come with me?  Go easy on me...I haven't done this in a while.

Before I go - here is a pic of me, in Holland, kissing a monkey on an orange couch.

You are welcome.